To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

[DesTeeny]

Very long story short, but MIL was very unpleasant to me whilst alive (she has recently died, and FIL died many years ago). We are very fortunate that MIL has left us her house, and DH wants to move in.

I really don't want to, I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me, but DH is saying it's his family home and he doesn't want to sell it, he wants to live there and will not be swayed. He lived there from age 5-25, when he moved into our current home.

We'd 'gain' nothing by moving there, it's almost exactly the same as our current home (which is too small for us) and is less than 500 yards away from our house. Granted there is a downstairs toilet, but we'd lose a driveway and have to park on the (very busy) road.

AIBU to stand my ground a bit and ask that we buy a house together that is our family home, rather than moving into his mother's (we will have enough money to buy a much larger house, and still put money aside for our children)? I moved into his home before this (gave him some money to make it equal), and have never chosen my own home. I'd like us to find a family home together that is better suited to our needs rather than trying to shoehorn our family into a house which is no bigger, no better, than the one we have currently.

YABU - Let him live in his family home
YANBU - You deserve to find your own family's home

DH wanted to keep MILs place after she died as a ‘holiday home’. I didn’t like her and I didn’t like her home. DH also wanted to keep it the same as it had been. It was very uncomfortable and badly looked after and it was just unpleasant.
Its his home town and not somewhere you normally would go on holiday, so really would only have been used for going to funerals. We sold, it’s 5 hours away so unmanageable.
DH saw online it was gutted and changed about for the rental market and got really upset about it.
Id just tell him it’s a hard no, you don’t want to live there, it would make you miserable.

He is totally unreasonable.
Do not back down and dont not blink.

If you have to...
The ONLY compromise i could think of would be a total decorate and remodel / extension possibly change walls and layout downstairs.
all their posessions and furniture would need to be removed.

Failing that given they are 500m apart let him move in there and you stay put.

You can't fix the parking issue.

It's just a non starter.

Once you start discussing renovations it's a slippery slope as to why spend the money if you are not going to move there.

The best thing is to stand firm. As the house is not maintained it becomes a less appealing place to move to.

One option might be to get an estate agent valuation of both houses and get in black and white an independent comparison to why the old family home is the lesser house and "encourage" the EA to "push" the opportunities of selling both to buy something better in terms of family needs and long term financial benefit.

You're not being unreasonable, but give your husband time to come round to the idea of not living there. My husband was adamant that we'd move into the bungalow he inherited from his parents. It was a massive no from me - not from any ill feelings, but a) there was only one toilet and b) not much of a garden. With multiple boys, both aspects to me are important. Gently give him the pros and cons and let him come round in his own time - hopefully, he will.

He does know how badly she treated me, he was in the house for some of it, she said things about me directly to him, he heard her berating me and shouting at me. He didn't stand up for me at the time though as it was a very difficult time (FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we moved in to their house to care for him, he deteriorated very quickly and died within a few months), their relationship was also really messed up, but as time passed he has become much stronger in standing up for me and maintaining boundaries.

Then she upped and blooming died, and he feels guilty for putting boundaries in place.

After the dust has had a chance to settle and for your husband to hopefully be more rational, I would very calmly say to him that you would never expect/demand him to live in a home that holds so many traumatic, abusive memories for him, and you know he would never agree to live in such a home, either. It is completely unfair of him to think you would be happy to do this.

How recent its his mum died?. Just please dont make big decision. Ask him to think again and talk again about this next year. Now he is still too emotional. By the time next year he might open for discussion. If i were you i will sell both of house and get bigger one if you need more space or rent MIL house for xtra income. Just wait until next year. I’m sure he is better by then

It doesn’t matter whether she was a combination of the Archangel Gabriel and Ma Walton, the house is too small for your needs, has no drive and is on a busy road.

As a bloke , I never understand these men who’ve got a fixation with living in their dead parents houses.You’ve got bad memories from being there and you simply don’t want to live there.
Even if you didn’t have bad memories, perhaps you still wouldn’t want to live there anyway, and I get that too. Your husband should respect your views.

Why not sell it and buy somewhere you both like ? That’s what I would do if I was your DH.

I wouldn’t want to live in my parents or in-laws house.

What an awful situation to find yourself in OP, I really feel for you, and would like to tell you about what happened when my MIL died. For the whole time that me and my now EX husband were together, his Mother hated me (I was taking away her little boy) and was absolutely foul to me, she even assaulted me on a couple of occasions. As we grew older, my ex learned that his DM wasn't always right, as he'd been brought up to believe, and so gradually started to put in boundaries, and stand up for me, which led to a couple of spells where we went no contact with his parents. However, after she died, his DM suddenly became a saint overnight!! He would no longer hear a bad word about her, (not that I was constantly badmouthing her or anything, but the slightest reference to her having been difficult, by me or anyone else, would send him ranting about what a wonderful mother she had been, etc.) he literally re-wrote history. Ultimately his DM was able to achieve in death what she was never able to do in life and that was cause the breakdown of our relationship, and ultimately our divorce.

I do hope that you manage, given some time, to make your DH see that moving into what was his childhood home, would be a very bad move for you OP, for practical reasons if nothing else. However sadly, I'm really concerned that whatever happens, your MIL may also achieve in death, what she failed to do in life, ie, split you up. You will either give in to his demands to move into her old home, and be desperately unhappy there, leading to rows and the deterioration of your relationship, or you will have to dig your own heels in, and refuse to do what he wants, which could also lead to the end of your marriage. I really hope that I'm wrong about this OP, but maybe it's something to be aware of, and take into consideration when discussing the way ahead. I wish you luck!

It's too soon to be having these conversations with him. No matter how reasonable you're being, if you start mentioning horrible memories of your MIL or wanting to sell her house (and what was his house) so you can choose your own, you're going to come across as the bad guy. And quite rightly.

Just keep making soothing noises about how you understand he's grieving and let's not make any rash decisions until he's feeling better. Don't discuss it until the emotion is gone and you can both be practical about what you need.

Have him practice for a few days living without a driveway.

And if you’d died hopefully he’d be feeling guilty for not having put more boundaries in. I would not move, agree I’d think carefully about how to say it. But it’d be a no. ‘Do you think it’s fair to ask me to move somewhere with unpleasant associations? I swore to myself when we left that I would never ever go back, and I feel just the same way.’
what if I insisted we move into my parents? We’d have to wouldn’t we since you think I have to go along with your decision here?’
‘Do you think this is a decision one person can make on their own for their partner without the other agreeing?’

do you have friends who can be honest- mate if I told my wife we were moving into my parents home she’d say sure but on your own. Your wife already has done it once and it was awful- you were lucky she did the first time and you are really pushing your luck here. I wouldn’t if I were her.

No fucking way would I. This is the hill to die on.

This.

Rent it out temporarily while dh works through his grief and use the proceeds to overpay as much as possible on your current mortgage. Having tenants in might lessen his attachment to the house.

How do you dc feel about the house? Is it a happy place for them? Would they be worried about ghosts or it being where their dgm died? Would dh want to move in quickly so they can acclimatise to the new house before the autumn term (even with no change of school). Not querying this to weaponise your dc but so that you are prepared if your dh starts to do so.

Think about planning for being a single parent at some point. The best advice, "hope for the best, prepare for the worst"

Presumably he is concerned by inheritance tax, which you could avoid by living there?

Focus on the practical side of the move rather than the emotional negative it has for you. You will just end up in emotional one upmanship otherwise. So where would your furniture go? How would you park the car? Is it in good décorative repair? What is the kitchen like?
This is all recent does he even own the house yet ? Presumably still applying for probate etc.
You could just say let's discuss once the will etc is settled.

Your solution is the sensible one. There's no way you're ever going to feel like you can make it your own home when it was his family home, it will always feel like HIS family home.
YANBU to want to start fresh in a bigger place that you can put your stamp on.

Can you afford to rent it out and buy a bigger place? Rent is very secure these days and that could be the ‘money aside for dc’ though I don’t believe in giving DC any money! That way DH might be happy at the thought that one day his DC might live in it.

Living in a house of a woman that was horrible to me? Being reminded every day? Nope. I would die on this hill.

You are entitled to make it absolutely clear that you will not be moving into his mother’s house. But I don’t think you can insist he sell it (I know you said MIL left “us” the house, but I presume she left it to your DH). I suggest you tell him plainly that there is no way you are moving into it. That leaves him free to rent it out if he wants to (which will benefit the family) and hopefully eventually sell it when he has come to terms with his loss.

how long ago did your mil pass away? My mil died earlier this year and my DH also suggested this. It was also his childhood home. However as the months have passed he realises it isn’t a great idea and the thought of selling it is less traumatic than it was.

You’d still pay inheritance tax if it was over a certain amount regardless of whether you sell it or move in.

I like pp idea of showing him what you could buy if you sold both homes.

“Will not be swayed” - he is not the boss! Where you live has to be a joint decision. He does not get to dictate. Tell him if he wants to live there he’ll be living alone.