To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

[DesTeeny]

Very long story short, but MIL was very unpleasant to me whilst alive (she has recently died, and FIL died many years ago). We are very fortunate that MIL has left us her house, and DH wants to move in.

I really don't want to, I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me, but DH is saying it's his family home and he doesn't want to sell it, he wants to live there and will not be swayed. He lived there from age 5-25, when he moved into our current home.

We'd 'gain' nothing by moving there, it's almost exactly the same as our current home (which is too small for us) and is less than 500 yards away from our house. Granted there is a downstairs toilet, but we'd lose a driveway and have to park on the (very busy) road.

AIBU to stand my ground a bit and ask that we buy a house together that is our family home, rather than moving into his mother's (we will have enough money to buy a much larger house, and still put money aside for our children)? I moved into his home before this (gave him some money to make it equal), and have never chosen my own home. I'd like us to find a family home together that is better suited to our needs rather than trying to shoehorn our family into a house which is no bigger, no better, than the one we have currently.

YABU - Let him live in his family home
YANBU - You deserve to find your own family's home

No way to add in a driveway, the house goes directly onto the pavement and then the road. Also no way to extend any further than it has already been extended as the house is on a corner and extended already.

Just as well because honestly trying to do any work to your mils house would be a nightmare with your dh, I suspect he’d struggle with every change. Just stick to your guns on ‘I won’t live there’. I too wondered why you were cleaning it, I couldn’t even clean our own house with a newborn and 3yo! Send him around/ tell him you’ll need to hire a cleaner.

MIL's siblings live 150+ miles away and they have been coming up to see us since her death. However, because our house is too small to accommodate them comfortably (and our house is full of toys and kids who don't sleep...!), they've been staying in MIL's house. I couldn't let them stay if it was dirty or messy, so I've been going and changing the sheets, cleaning and tidying, slowly starting to throw some things away etc. Plus, DH wants to go down there once or twice a week to 'check in' so I may as well clean whilst I'm there.

I wouldn't move there. Quite frankly if he insisted on it, then that would be the end of us or he can live there on his own and come to visit.

You're entitled to a home that you both decided to buy.

You need to be very clear, that you living there would be triggering and traumatising for you.

If he loves and cares for you, those words will suffice.

"Pig-headed and stubborn" is usually code for someone used to getting their own way by wearing people down by refusing to negotiate. It's a form of bullying.

If he's often like this over things he wants then be aware of it and if something is important to you don't give in just for an easy life.

OP, with all due respect, but it looks like you are making a rod for your own back. You husband is hosting his family in that house. He ought to be the one to clean and to look after them.

My own mother was a lot like you. She never felt she deserved rest and even later in life, when she could barely walk, she would push herself till she nearly fainted with pain, because things "just had to be done" or "I might as well do it". Because actually sitting down and enjoying herself for once was somehow not allowed to her.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

I would encourage him to let the house out to tenants or just leave it vacant, until his emotions have settled.

It sounds as if he would benefit from some counselling. It's hard enough to have a dysfunctional parent and hard enough to lose a parent; the two things in combination must be incredibly difficult. And you said you have a 3yo and a newborn, so you must both be very busy and tired, I'm sure it adds to the emotions.

Could you try to encourage him to wait a few months before considering it? For the next few months he needs to focus on getting through the funeral and dealing with the will/probate etc, not to mention grieving. If and when the time comes to discuss it properly you can point out that the two of you have to consider the needs of the whole family and not just him and his emotions.

It's good of you to clean it btw... I'd be less inclined to do that if he continued to insist on moving in!

You said their house is full to the rafters. Maybe that's where you need to start.

1. clear it, sell it, tip it. You can't move your all their stuff into your home.

2. don't keep going around cleaning it. 1) resolves that, empty, then one big clean.

3. your OH has letting go issues. He needs to be involved in both the above.

Once MIL home is cleared, it will give you some perspective. You can't move all their stuff into your home and visa versa. Sell their house, invest the inheritance, and then decide what to do later that benefits you both. You could even extend or improve your own home as an option, to selling both and moving elsewhere.

@DesTeeny I would argue that the home he created together should have more emotional value to him than his childhood home at this point in his life.
Grief can change perspectives on matters like these though. Did he express a desire to live there before she passed? If not this could be something that is important to him in a time of grief.

i moved in to MILs house and she was quite unpleasant to me. She was still alive and we had essentially swapped homes. I got petty revenge by changing everything, she was very house proud and fussy and hated it because we basically gutted the house and started again !

Buying a family home together is a far better idea, but I can also understand his emotional attachment to the house. As others have said, give him time, it’s a very recent bereavement. Perhaps quietly start looking online for more suitable houses.

Legally, you would also be in a precarious position if the house is solely in his name. Yes, you could be added to the deeds, but personally, I think it would be far better to buy a house jointly.

Maybe having a look at properties that you think would work better for you as a family would help him to see the reality of what you can afford, how you could be living and how it could benefit your children.
Getting excited about your future might help him in dealing with his past?
I agree it is recent so many grief counselling but it also depends what type of person you are as to how you see things. Our great grandparents instilled us to "look after the living, the dead can look after themselves". This applied in lots of situations including when making decisions about holding on to things like opportunities v properties /places/stuff with sentimental attachments.
It also sounds like there is a lot to sort out in her house and you have a young family as well.

There is no time limit on grief. You have a young family. Everything is very emotional. Sometimes, dealing with practical tasks of clearing out, property can help work through the grief. It's stuff, memories are kept, keep some bits.

You say MIL has siblings that visit and stay in the house. Have you asked your DH if they're willing to help? Would he let them, if he was there too to oversee everything being cleared, sorted etc?

The idea of you having to keep 2 homes running, with such a young family, to please everyone else is a lot.

An inheritance isn’t part of a divorce . It belongs to the person who inherited it

@DearDenimEagle Thats what worries me, the OP could be in a vulnerable position if they move into MIL’s house. Far better to buy a house together.

I think in the uk inheritance is counted in divorce, this is a long relationship too.

My colleagues parents changed their will while she was divorcing then back again when it was over.

My mum died unexpectedly in late 2022 leaving me (only child) her beautiful bungalow on a large plot of land. I (and my DS) would have loved to live there, as it was my childhood home too, but DH felt it would always be my parents home (who he loved) and didn't feel he could live there (which I sort of understood). There's a few other practical reasons why it's not right for us as a family right now so I took the difficult decision to sell last month. 12 months ago I couldn't have even contemplated taking that step, but as it's got emptier it feels less like 'mum's house' and it needs to be lived in again. Hopefully, given time, your DH will come to feel the same way. We are now planning some long overdue improvements to our family home once the sale goes through (including a much needed downstairs loo!).

Exactly . There is no IHT advantage to moving in . We’ve just sold my MIL house . Very happy to see it go . She was a bit of a witch to me and it was the world’s most uncomfortable place to stay . Quite the opposite of warm and welcoming . Glad I don’t have to go there again.

I am so sorry @DesTeeny that your DH is thinking this way . Where you choose to make your family home is absolutely a joint decision . He might be grieving and finding it hard to let go of his childhood home . But I also have a DH that assumes no comment equals consent so I would be pushing back on this if it were the case too . In our case DH is very happy to have the cash ( post tax )

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wanted to share a story, a friend of mine's father was murdered in his house. The house was then left to the friend and her mother, her mother (who is awful) insisted on living there even though the friend, who was about 24 at the time, didn't want to live there at all. She wanted to sell and buy somewhere else, but her mother insisted so she either had the choice to live there or without a lot of money find somewhere else to stay. She decided to move in but did LOADS of renovation to the place so that it didn't feel at all like the old house. I went to see it and it felt like a completely different place. Perhaps that could be a third option, move in but make it your own so completely that it doesn't feel like MILs house.

I’m sure it’s still quite raw for your DH so I wouldn’t rush into anything. Eithe way. I wouldn’t try to convince him of anything g just yet.

When my father died I was convinced I wanted to buy the house - buy my siblings out that is. It’s in a different country and was always my base when I went home as well as being the house I’d grown up in. I had even started renovating it and redecorating it in my head. Even had a Pinterest board!

After a few months I gradually realised it wasn’t a sensible move.

DH had just let me work through it all myself. And I did come to realise it was a complete knee jerk emotional reaction to want to buy it and keep it. I still miss it terribly but it was the right decision to let it go.

Im sure your DH will gradually come to the same realisation.

I'm with OP on not moving in. At the moment though her husband is not only grieving but has emotional attachment to the property. A compromise could be to let it for a year or so and regroup on the moving discussion when feelings are not running so high.

Can he not clean ‘whilst he’s there’?

honestly OP, have take this opportunity to assess your relationship. Yes grief is hard, but he needs to remember and pay attention to the living!!

Worst part about my house is we don’t have a drive and have to park on a road where people drive like maniacs!!! It is a constant worry for me, with a wee one who loves to open doors!

next home will have to have a drive, that’s a deal breaker.

so I completely get your concerns. I’d either stay put or find a house that ticks all of your boxes!

It isn’t. I divorced last year. His house bought and paid for by him before we married and the sizeable inheritance from his mother were out of bounds