To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

[DesTeeny]

Very long story short, but MIL was very unpleasant to me whilst alive (she has recently died, and FIL died many years ago). We are very fortunate that MIL has left us her house, and DH wants to move in.

I really don't want to, I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me, but DH is saying it's his family home and he doesn't want to sell it, he wants to live there and will not be swayed. He lived there from age 5-25, when he moved into our current home.

We'd 'gain' nothing by moving there, it's almost exactly the same as our current home (which is too small for us) and is less than 500 yards away from our house. Granted there is a downstairs toilet, but we'd lose a driveway and have to park on the (very busy) road.

AIBU to stand my ground a bit and ask that we buy a house together that is our family home, rather than moving into his mother's (we will have enough money to buy a much larger house, and still put money aside for our children)? I moved into his home before this (gave him some money to make it equal), and have never chosen my own home. I'd like us to find a family home together that is better suited to our needs rather than trying to shoehorn our family into a house which is no bigger, no better, than the one we have currently.

YABU - Let him live in his family home
YANBU - You deserve to find your own family's home

Tell him his 'family home' is the home where he lives with his family and if he wants to go on living with them, he has to take their needs into account.

You don’t avoid inheritance tax by living there.

The ONLY compromise i could think of would be a total decorate and remodel / extension possibly change walls and layout downstairs all their posessions and furniture would need to be removed

It's not a bad idea on the face of it, but would likely led to multiple arguments in place of the initial one ... "My mum always treasured this", "would never have allowed that" and so on, as each new idea was suggested

Better perhaps to rip the plaster off and downright refuse to live there, though maybe when DH has had more time to come to terms with his loss and hopefully developed a more balanced view

I thought there used to be a rule about living in it for a certain number of years, but maybe I am wrong?

So your husband is effectively saying that his memories and associations matter, but yours don't?

@DesTeeny I think I would say something like this.

"DH, you are grieving. MIL only died last month. Now is not the time to be making big decisions. I understand that this is a really difficult time for you and you need the time and space to deal with your emotions. I am worried that this idea of wanting to move into your childhood home is really about wanting to return to the place you were when you were a child and you felt safe and your mum and dad were still alive. But moving into their house will not bring them back. Living there in their house with their possessions would be living in the past, almost like living with their ghosts. I don't think that's healthy for you or for any of us. From my point of view, you know how I feel. I don't want to live there. It will never feel like my home. I have never actually had the opportunity to choose my own home because I moved into your house. If we are going to move now, I want it to be somewhere we have chosen together. Somewhere that is suitable for us as a family. I understand that you don't feel ready to sell your childhood home just yet, so I suggest we park this until the beginning of next year and then we can start discussing how to move forward. I love you."

If he 'won't be swayed' and is so 'stubborn' he won't listen to his own wife then I would let him know he will be moving into his mum's house on his own until he learns not to be such an entitled arse who thinks he is the 'head of the house' who makes the decisions. Fuck that noise.

From HMRC below, I wonder if you’re getting the 7 year rule mixed up.

Passing on a home
You can pass a home to your husband, wife or civil partner when you die. There’s no Inheritance Tax to pay if you do this.
If you leave the home to another person in your will, it counts towards the value of the estate.
If you own your home (or a share in it) your tax-free threshold can increase to £500,000 if:

• you leave it to your children (including adopted, foster or stepchildren) or grandchildren
• your estate is worth less than £2 million

Giving away a home before you die There’s normally no Inheritance Tax to pay if you move out and live for another 7 years. If you want to continue living in your property after giving it away, you’ll need to:

• pay rent to the new owner at the going rate (for similar local rental properties)
• pay your share of the bills
• live there for at least 7 years

Otherwise it counts as a ‘gift with reservation’ and will be added to the value of your estate when you die. (A gift with reservation is where you give something away but continue to benefit from it.) You do not have to pay rent to the new owners if both the following apply:

• you only give away part of your property
• the new owners also live at the property

If you die within 7 years If you die within 7 years of giving away all or part of your property, your home will be treated as a gift and the 7 year rule applies.

Repeat after me, do NOT give up a house with offroad parking.
One of our neighbours did this, left a house with parking for 3 cars and moved into one with street parking only. They've done nothing but moan about it ever since, despite the pitfalls being pointed out on many occasions. Best way forward is to sell both houses and buy a nice one without the spectre of your dead MIL around it

Is there inheritance tax to pay? Not asking for details, but if so, how will it be paid? Normally through the sale of the inherited house, unless M in Law left enough money to cover?

Is he presuming you will sell your current house and use the funds to pay inheritance tax on his inheritance?

Will it come from joint savings?

Not sure about your stamp duty requirements. Do you pay that on an inherited house if you put into your names?

I agree that moving into the house would be the wrong thing to do but as you say the bereavement is recent I have some sympathy with your DH. I'm guessing his emotions are all over the place at the moment and the idea of selling what has been his family's home is probably more than he can cope with now. I suggest giving him time to work through his grief, help him clear the house, this often takes some time and probate will also take a while. Its recommended that you give it 12 months after someone dies before making any big decisions so maybe keep repeating that for now. If after that time he still can't bear to let it go then you could suggest he lets it.

It sounds like moving into her house would be a move sideways rather than a move forwards.

Is there any point in that ?

Like the pp, I would wait for a bit. In time your DH might realise it is not a sensible move.

Very few of us live in our childhood home as adults, it is in no way necessary and your husband's obsession with doing so is downright unhealthy. Time for him to grow up and put away childish things.

If this is not mutually sorted and agreed (to NOT move there for all the practical and other reasons mentioned) then I get the feeling that the marriage will suffer, maybe even end.

Brace yourself for that one, and sorry for being so dramatic.

I would suggest that you agree nothing for a year but maybe rent it out if possible on a short term rental.
In that year you can gently suggest the benefits of selling both and moving into a larger more suitable home for you all.
Its probably far too soon for him to be able to let go of his memories, he needs time to grieve and for any guilt he may feel (I had it after my Mum died about things that could have been done differently) to go and then he may feel differently about a fresh start.

We've spoken to someone who does probate and seems to think we might just miss the threshold because DH is an only child and the house is being passed to him? If there is any to pay, she had enough cash savings to pay any, unless the bill is enormous for some reason. No idea about stamp duty.

If you are in England, it does not have any allowances for an only child. He may not have to pay because of value.
You need to speak to someone with more knowledge of probate!
See below - not asking for details, just for you to think about.

There’s normally no Inheritance Tax to pay if either:

• the value of your estate is below the £325,000 threshold
• you leave everything above the £325,000 threshold to your spouse, civil partner, a charity or a community amateur sports club

Actually, taking the emotion out of this, you may be better off moving the thread to Legal.
Advice such as letting the property while you decide has tax implications.
When you consider your options, you will need to know the legal and tax implications.

The lady we've spoken to literally does probate for her job, maybe I misunderstood what she said, but she's said she doesn't think there's inheritance tax to pay because MIL was a widower so the threshold was increased? We need to send her the full details to be sure so she can complete all the paperwork etc. for us.

I don't think we're going to rent it out regardless of what happens. We both have stressful jobs, don't need to he landlords on top of that.

I’m with you. I’d sell both houses and find the right home for your family.

If your FIL left everything to your MIL (assuming they were married) then she would have a double tax allowance £650k. If he left money to other people then you take that off so for example he gave £100k to his sister then it’d reduce to a £550k allowance

YANBU. In that situation I’d never feel that it was really my home.

Absolutely no way will you live there. He can go and live there if he wants.

If he really doesn't want to sell it then you could remortgage it on a buy to let mortgage to raise funds and then use these funds and the equity in your current home to pay for your next family home. Then he gets to hang onto the house for the memories and it can go to his kids.

You'll have to pay higher stamp duty unless you gift it to your kids.

Well it isn't his family home any more is it. His family home is the home he shares with you and your children.

He's clearly not in a logical frame of mind at the moment and is completely disregarding your opinions and wishes, as pps say, these kind of decisions are not to be made under such circumstances.

Pp suggested moving into MIL's house but completely redecorating it. Tbh I suspect he would want to preserve the house exactly as MIL left it. So not only would you be moving into a house that has bad memories for you but you'd also be stuck with all her old stuff around you.

You really need to dig your heels in over this.

You are also absolutely right about not giving up a house with a drive for parking on a busy road.

One of the main reasons I moved from a house I had several years ago was because I had to park on a busy road. I would often end up parked up to four streets away from my house as it was all that was available. The relief when I moved to a house with its own drive was enormous.

Agree with pps, sell both houses and buy something that gives you more room, and has its own drive.

Definitely trust your own instincts. I didn’t. I allowed myself to be persuaded and that house never felt like mine. Other relatives were super twitchy too if I ever moved anything around.
We are divorced now.