No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

[Tenaciousbeyondallthings]

My DH has severe physical and MH problems after a botched operation.. (he can no longer work but has been handsomely compensated - as was high earner) We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m ..

I am 56 and haven't had sex since 2019.. previously we had a fantastic sex life ..

I have a 'no strings attached' opportunity. With someone I like (but do not love like I love DH)

Would I be wrong to just enjoy the physical gratification ?

Would it be in secret or would it be discussed with DH?

What would your DH’s view of it be?

If your husband is okay with it, then go for it.

is the other person definitely single?

I would.

I wouldn’t tell DH as I wouldn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t go without sex.

I don't think it's a good idea. Even talking to him about it is like saying "you have to live without sex and you can't give me what I need so I'm going elsewhere." In your husbands shoes, I'd feel like you have a foot out the door.

Personally, I don't think a weighty secret and betraying a man i love for an hours fun would feel as good as it might in a fantasy.

It would be a secret.. couldn't tell DH it would destroy to him .

Would you be happy for him to go off shagging someone else behind your back?

If he could - then he would be shagging me !

Go for it

I couldn't

Oh wow no! Im sorry but I can't believe so many people are ok with this. Imagine the tables were turned. You were injured in an operation, something totally out of your control and your husband started cheating on you because "he needed sex" that's awful. I'm sorry, sex toys exist, and can't you have other forms of intimacy still?

I'm sorry but the only way this would be in anyway in my view was if your husband has lost his cognitive ability and wouldn't be able to be hurt by this.

if that's the case then maybe, but to hurt your husband for your own selfish needs is pretty bad.

Does sex with DH have to be penis in vagina? Could you experiment with other ways to be intimate?

Ah op, that's difficult, I'm so sorry for what your dh and you have been through it must have and continue to be very hard at times.

I think if you love your dh and value your relationship then honesty would be the best way forward here. I think this is really a decision that needs to be made jointly but if he's in a low place at times I can see why that might be a very difficult conversation to have in an open and healthy way.

Have you ever had couples counselling? I'm just wondering if there might be scope to discuss it in a supported and mediated setting if you had a counsellor you already trust.

I think for me the guilt would eat away at me and I don't think as others have said, the reality would be as good as the fantasy.

I don't want to pry in any way but I'm wondering if there is any scope to build on the intimacy you do have in more creative ways? Is this something you've ever been able to talk about together?

Sadly not .. up to his eyes on morphine ..

I’m sorry that you both have to deal with the consequences of the botched operation. It sounds awful.

But OP, you’ve made vows to your DH. In my opinion you’ll regret a seedy fumble with someone else.

Have you tried focusing on what is possible in terms of intimacy with each other? Can/will he turn you on in other ways?

If it were me, I would want to work on trying to find satisfaction with dh as a priority rather than risk breaking up an otherwise happy relationship.

I appreciate sex is a big loss though.

Just be mindful you may fall for him or someone eventually or your DH might find out.

I understand your temptation though.

2019 isn't ten years ago?

I haven't had sex since then either because I'm single and haven't met anyone I want to be with since then. Nobody has a right to sex or a guarantee. If you get married you do vow to be in sickness and in health and forsake all others. Depends if you meant it or not.

I'm not unsympathetic but I think if it would destroy your husband then of course you should not do it.

I couldn't do it because I wouldn't want my husband to do that that to me.

I don't know, really. I would never do this to my husband, but I'm not sure how I would feel at 40 if I knew I had potentially another 40 years of no intimacy at all.

My grandad is actually in a similar situation (probably quite different) he's 74 one day 5 years ago he kept falling over, he'd slipped a disk in his back, they tried to operate 4 times and ended up paralysing him.

he has a long term girlfriend 30+ years and they obviously lived together, after all of this happened he's moved into an assisted living bungalow and she still lives in her house, they live very separate lives now but she visits a few times a week and they're still together, I obviously don't know nor do I want to if they're still intimate but I do know he would be crushed if she was with someone else

I understand the difficulty you face, OP, but no. I wouldn’t do this. If you cannot abide by the conditions of your marriage then you should leave the marriage.

aslojg as you wouldn’t complain if he did that…

I appreciate how you feel.

But, if something happened and it got found it would be pretty devastating to your dh.

Theres actually a thread from a woman in your husbands position where she has stumbled upon her husbands cheating. It’s been pretty shocking and upsetting for her.

Its awful to be in your position, I get that, but this really isn’t the way the resolve this issue. I can see why it feels like it is. But it has the potential to cause huge harm to you all.

As you in a position where it’s has happened yet, I would talk to him to your dh.