No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

[Tenaciousbeyondallthings]

My DH has severe physical and MH problems after a botched operation.. (he can no longer work but has been handsomely compensated - as was high earner) We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m ..

I am 56 and haven't had sex since 2019.. previously we had a fantastic sex life ..

I have a 'no strings attached' opportunity. With someone I like (but do not love like I love DH)

Would I be wrong to just enjoy the physical gratification ?

Does your husband miss sex and talk about it? Or is it an unspoken thing

Can you live like this forever?

Can you have a conversation where you ask him what he would want you to do?

I don’t have sex in my marriage and in theory, either one of us might be having sex elsewhere. I don’t want to know about him and I wouldn’t tell about me. But there’s some understanding between us on it. I don’t do it - not to say I never will, but I haven’t, and I don’t think he does either. But it does take a level of faith between you that if you did, it wouldn’t matter. It took us a long long time to get there.

I've certainly met a number of spouses who were fulltime carers to a disabled spouse that did this.
Disabled person did not know, carer had no intention of leaving, cared for them enormously but the sex and emotional life had gone and no chance of it coming back.

Health care were generally very sympathetic, it was clear the carer spouse had been going over and above for years.

Hiring a prostitute? I've heard it all now...

If he is high on drugs 24/7 to manage pain you have my full sympathy.
But don't think fucking some bloke will change much.
I'd probably invest part of his send off money into therapy for both of you.
And magic wand turbo speciall edition with 25 options and long battery life.

No judgement from me OP. My sex life with DH is sporadic due to his physical issues so I have to satisfy myself alone the majority of times - BUT I know at least we will have sex even if it's just a handful of times per year. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I knew I'd never have
Physical sex with my DH ever again.

Life isn't black and white. Yes it's cheating but would either party be happier to split up so she could have sex without it being considered cheating? No. This is a shit option but there's not an abundance of good ones. I imagine this happens all the time when one partner becomes severely disabled or incapacitated in some way.

How many sex toys have you tried out? The entire female section of Lovehoney? Or whatever has replaced them.
Because that’d be my go to before I thought about shagging someone else.

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings

I'm glad to read you have decided 'no'. I read so many posts on MN where people do not respect at all their marriage vows.

My wife and I took the traditional wedding vows "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

Believe me, we had all those conditions in 47 years of marriage.

Male escort? At least you won't fall for them

Absolutely do not do it

A few mins of fun (potentially - it could be shit) risking destruction of husband and marriage. It would definitely not be worth it, even if it were Brad Pitt. And the guilt would eat away at you.

Suggested the same but got shot down. I think in this case she fancied the bloke who was willing to break those vows.

If it can be done in such a way that DH never finds out then go for it.

fwb is riven with it's own risks though so think hard about how you'd go about it

It happens a lot.

Tbh if I had a health condition that meant I either couldn't or didn't want to have sex with my partner, I'd open the conversation with them. I always wonder what people expect their partner to do. Imo it is incredibly selfish to know your partner has a sex drive and just ignore the situation.

You’re honestly here asking for permission to cheat on your DH? The brass neck of some people.

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings Have you ever openly discussed the options with your DH?

I think knowing it's all over for you sexually at 46 (so 10 years ago) is pretty harsh and I don't blame you for wondering if you can carry on like this.

I think it's a shame that your husband has so much morphine he can't do much else either, and wonder if this has knocked onto other intimacy, so hugs, chatting, feeling close to the other person or whether that has all died a death as well.

I have been where you are and it was hard but some things made it bearable, one was my husband was very up front about it and assumed I had needs and second we had a lot of hugs/other ways of feeling quite close physically and that made a big difference.

If I didn't have that, I don't know what I would do in this situation, as it is a real and genuine loss as well as the loss of the life and the relationship you would have had as well.

I don't condemn you for wondering.

I was you. Botched prostate op. I cried quietly in the shower sometimes.

I did once ask him what he would do if I took a lover. He said he'd divorce me.

It's made my marriage much harder. Because he was bitter about it for a long time. Now he's 73 I guess we're both past it but at the time being a younger wife it was heartbreaking. I really missed that closeness.

You're a good woman @Tenaciousbeyondallthings

A lot of these responses seem naïve and idealistic.

Realistically I'm sure a lot of people looking after a severely ill or disabled spouse do have affairs, probably for the emotional release as well as physical. I'm sure a lot of people also leave the relationship.

People on here suggesting it would be better for the OP to leave than to have an affair, are you really thinking that would be in the best interests of the disabled husband to be alone and divorced? I'm not so sure.

I wouldn't judge anyone for considering it. I also don't think any amount of money can compensate for an unhappy marriage. You only get one life.

I still think theres got to be a solution that meets DHs approval. Those suggesting various electronic aids, it just isnt the same and you know it!

I would, but I'd be VERY discreet

OP there's more options than just a sexless marriage or divorce. I don't think you're a bad person for considering it - sex and intimacy is a huge part of healthy relationships and we all have needs - yours are going unmet and it's making you unhappy - that's neither your fault nor his. I do think you could speak to your DH about it. Tell him how you feel, that intimacy is important to you, and you're not sure what to do now that you've lost it. Lots of people have open relationships, and if he is open to something like that then it could be a good and honest way to keep your marriage, and have your needs met too.

On another note - does your DH want to be able the have sex? If he has a long term condition, is he under a medical team or a consultant at all? I work in medicine and this is something that often gets discussed with the patients if it's an issue for them, as I deal with people who have lost physical abilities. Sex and relationships is something consultants and physiotherapists can also advise on - and there are medical managements that can help / drugs can be reviewed, physical positioning for intimacy can be explored.

You're not out of options, don't despair just yet!

We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m

If he spends most of his time doped up on morphine and out of it, are you sure that it's both of you who enjoy a lovely lifestyle because of his compensation... or is it mainly just you?

This was a fairly unedifying read.

I thought this!

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings Buy a Sybian or something similar- Not tried one, but they are meant to be phenomenal!