No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

[Tenaciousbeyondallthings]

My DH has severe physical and MH problems after a botched operation.. (he can no longer work but has been handsomely compensated - as was high earner) We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m ..

I am 56 and haven't had sex since 2019.. previously we had a fantastic sex life ..

I have a 'no strings attached' opportunity. With someone I like (but do not love like I love DH)

Would I be wrong to just enjoy the physical gratification ?

I'd say you have no choice but to say no, but are you really happy in the marriage?

Why is it sleazy?

And leave him on his own?

I think she's sticking to a pretty important part of her wedding vows

And she does still love him and wants to stay

In the circumstances then I would just say the only person who has to be ok with this is you. The moment it’s all over, will you be able to carry on as if nothing happened, or will it play on your mind? Will you be able to forgive yourself?

No judgement here for feeling the way you do and for considering it. It must be hard.

on balance I think you’ve made the right decision.

If she sleeps with someone else and is discreet about it...why is better for her to leave him? His life will be worse and I imagine he will be much more unhappy if she's leaves him. Honesty isn't always the best policy.

For the sake of abit of sex I don't think it's worth it.
Many things to consider. I might not be as simple as you think.
You might get attached to them, they might get attached to you.
What if it finishes. Would you then be looking for someone else. Where would it all end.
You'd be trying to navigate all these emotions, while trying to keep it from your partner.
What if you wanted to stop it and the other person wanted to keep it going and started hassling you?
Is it worth upsetting your mental health for?

Dare I say it, have you tried a nice dildo (willy shaped, rubber - feel v good), one of those clitoral suckers, and a bit of the right kind of porn? During a drought they can be most effective

Fortunately I've never been in your situation op, and hopefully I never will be, so my advice is worthless.
However, the question you need to ask yourself is how would it sit with your conscience. If you go ahead, would you be able to look your husband in the eye without guilt or would your conscience blurt it out, destroying both your husband and your marriage?
Think long and hard about the possible consequences.

Is there really absolutely nothing you and your dh can do to develop your intimacy? No therapists who might specialise in this type of situation?

Are you with DH for the Money and lifestyle?

Be honest with yourself.

Are you mortgaging your life in exchange for products and goods?

If you:
"I'm with DH because I love him....."

Then the thought of betraying someone you love should be horrifying and offensive to you .. but it isn't is it?

Leave DH. Go shag a rugby team.
Or be faithful.

Just one to put out there... I'm estimating maybe a third are saying no, never... a third are saying yes... and a third are 'ask'.

How is this any different than, say, a woman who has had children, and her sex drive plummeting? At the end of the day, an unplanned physical (or hormonal) change has debilitated a sex drive. It is unlikely to change, and one partner is suffering.

That third saying they would cheat, and keep it secret... isn't that essentially approving the man's infidelity in that situation?

'no strings'

In theory - it would just be a physical experience in company (like a sports hobby activity).

In reality, most people just don't see sex in this way - even if they think they would like to. There are reasons why there are so many taboos and restrictions about sex and why it is regarded as part of a deeper more exclusive relationship.

We've all heard of people (in real life as well as in books and films and games) who move from person to person to person without stress or guilt or committment or 'strings'. They are complete free spirits and sexual freedom is part of this. It used to be a sort of ideal that all women could now do this and be just like men.

I've come to the conclusion that even if there are people who can be this free about sex and relationships, most people can't. They form normal attachments and sex becomes part of a bonding - of affection/pleasure/and of time spent on each other. Sex is a string!

In your case, in addition to all that, you would need to keep it a secret from your DH. It seems likely that the secret would bind you to your partner-in-sex and would separate you from your DH . + Most secrets do leak out.

I was thinking the same thing.
All those posts on relationships from women with no desire to have sex yet their husbands are missing it.
Usually they're told they're disgusting sex pests with no entitlement to sex.
Certainly very few people say it would be ok for them to cheat.

Yes, this is what I'm wondering too.

If DH had the horrendous accident that led to him getting compensation, but then OP is benefiting from that compensation whilst not having suffered herself (other than the loss of a 'normally' healthy DH, I suppose), there definitely are certain big advantages in this for her.

It does seem like, if she doesn't want to keep her marriage vows, she should end it, so she would be free to pursue love/sex with somebody else.

Although it might be slightly unusual, it's far from unheard of for couples to divorce but still remain friendly. There's no reason why they couldn't come to some kind of arrangement whereby she could stay there and look after him as his carer, rather than as his wife - still very fairly financially rewarded for her work, which is presumably one of the reasons why he was given so much compo, to meet such costs - but no misunderstandings of where they stand between her, him or any new partner. Of course, she likely wouldn't be in such a privileged financial position as she is now, if their money is joint and as much hers as his.

Lots of carers feel great affection and compassion and become very close friends to their charges - but there are clear boundaries, including that they don't have sex with them.

I couldn't the guilt wld eat me up and I'd end up catching feelings for the other man.

How can you know you won't end up having a full blown affair possibly end up falling in love. Can u also trust the other person to tell no one?

I'd be mortified if I was found out too. The risks for me wld never be worth it.

Personally, I think you're playing with fire. Do you really want decades of guilt in exchange for an afternoon of awkward and mediocre sex? Because let's be honest here, these things hardly ever live up to the fantasy. Besides, sex without love or intimacy is generally unfulfilling. Then again it could be mind-blowing, in which case you'll probably launch into a full-blown affair and get your heart broken.

Honestly I think if one person unilaterally decides sex is no longer going to be part of their relationship and they aren't willing to discuss or attempt to change that situation, then yep I wouldn't blame the other person for cheating...

So you’d be willing to risk destroying your husband? Don’t be so disgusting! If you want to have sex end your marriage and go have as much sex as you like but do not stay with your husband and betray him in the worst possible way. Shame on you

Yes, absolutely.

Along with the bizarre double standards that, if a woman doesn't want sex, it's always because of one or more of a multitude of worthy, noble reasons; whereas if a man doesn't want sex, it's because he's having an affair, suffering from 'death grip' from watching porn and/or secretly gay.

As they age, most couples eventually end up in a position where they are no longer having sex. According to some people on this thread, that automatically nullifies their 40, 50, 60-year marriage and relegates them to 'just friends who live together'.

I'm sure the age at which this starts to become your new reality will vary considerably for different couples - and, more significantly, for the two people within a couple - but I can't believe that most people will expect/want/be capable of a full-on sex life until the day they die.

I couldn’t do that to my husband.

There are many things other than penetrative sex. You and he need to explore them.

OP made her mind up several pages ago, does nobody read anything?

I still think there's a happy medium somewhere. Fab swingers, male escort, involve DH, his body may be gone but his mind is still there.

“his body may be gone but his mind is still there.”

Do you also not read anything? OP has already said her DH is on morphine so not up to anything

Often they don't; but often a thread extends beyond the specific circumstances of the OP only, and towards people wanting to consider the wider moralities/practicalities/realities of many others who have found/may find themselves in similar circumstances.

It's a discussion forum, not just a closed-ended 'Dear Deidre' letter.

So he can't make an informed decision any more? If you're saying he's that far gone he's totally out of his mind then the OP would just do whatever she wanted but she said cheating would destroy him so clearly he has some understanding.