No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

[Tenaciousbeyondallthings]

My DH has severe physical and MH problems after a botched operation.. (he can no longer work but has been handsomely compensated - as was high earner) We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m ..

I am 56 and haven't had sex since 2019.. previously we had a fantastic sex life ..

I have a 'no strings attached' opportunity. With someone I like (but do not love like I love DH)

Would I be wrong to just enjoy the physical gratification ?

Morphine addicts usually function fairly well- but if OP’s husband has disabilities, this is probably worse than the sedating effects of the morphine.

Mum’s GP was a morphine addict-he delivered her as a baby- he ran a practice single handed ( 1950’s) but was eventually found out.

Was able to work hard.

What a difficult situation. Please treat yourselves to some counselling. You can build up a full and satisfying life without a conventional sex life. If you miss being touched, find a good massage therapist. Make sure you make time to see friends you love. Really attend well to your well-being

And treat yourself to the best sex toys…. See how it all sits and keep talking with your therapist.

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings well done for reasoning through it all yourself. I think if your DH was mentally damaged and didnt recognise you etc, then fine (that happened to a friend of mine, her 30 something hubby feel down the stairs and has been in a care home since leaving hospital).

I'm so sorry your DH and your lives have been so badly damaged, the money is in no way compensates either of you esp as he's in pain.

You may already do this, so apologies if you do... good porn or book and a dildo/vibrator. I know it's not the same but it def helps.

Sending a hug x

I really think you should go for it. You get one life. This is an exceptional circumstance. It's not like you wouldn't prefer things to be different. But ultimately, they aren't. If you're not careful, all this passion and desire you're capable of could be past you. Not to mention that one day, you too could be infirm and incapable of participating in sexual activities.

Seriously, I'd live your life and only tell a few trusted people. Too many people are judgemental when they can't possibly understand what they expect you to give up just to satisfy the institution of marriage. It's not fair on you.

I’d do it. Do you really want no sex until you die. If the answer is no then do something about it.

I hope @Tenaciousbeyondallthings has read this post. I totally agree.

Why get married if you can’t stay faithful until “death do us part?”

OP really really hard but have you tried some alone time with "toys" and your own thoughts? I couldn't cheat on my partner but do totally get the desire. When I was single (was a lone parent for years) I had a FWB as sometimes the need for intimacy was so strong.

If she wants a sex life then she should end the marriage. Why do people get married if they can’t stick to being faithful “in sickness and in health, until death do is part?” This is what you sign up to.

Oh OP. I am so sorry for you and your DH. What an awful thing to happen.

From the other perspective that would be:
"I am disabled and unable to have sex, my OH and I enjoy the wealth but they sleep around and tell some of their friends about it."

Personally, I wouldn't but that is because I have a fairly low sex drive so could live quite comfortably without that form of intimacy. For some of my friends, this situation would be untenable.

No judgement here. But a word of caution: physical affairs tend to become complicated. Are you sure you won't end up hurt? That your lover won't end up hurt? That your husband won't end up finding out? How will you feel afterwards? Is it sex you are craving or something else? Is having sex really more important than the risk of it all going pear-shaped?

Think really carefully about this - no one can answer these questions for you.

Out of interest, how did you end up with this understanding?

All the people with their black and white thinking....who think it's cheating and its wrong full stop. How far would you take this? What if in your twenties, your husband became seriously mentally and physically disabled and living in a care home? Would you live the rest of your life in celibacy?

That's difficult, OP.
I think, however, if you enjoy sex ...
I stopped at 42 and am extremely grateful that my husband is three decades older and I can live in peace.
😳
Everyone is different.

Have you ever had a discussion with your husband about the lack of intimacy and sex?

I'm the same as a few others who posted,if it was me who was too unwell to have sex I would have a discussion with my partner about having an open relationship if they wanted.

Can you speak to your husband about you having an open relationship/polyamory/ENM?

I'd be really sad if I couldn't have sex ever again so I'd be wanting an open relationship.

I wonder what would happen if you asked your husband. Going behind his back is wrong. You say he wouldn't be able to do anything else because of the morphine - does that mean that he can't do anything physical (even non sexual)? In that case I think a discussion might be on the table.

How are you able to live a lovely life style if he is so out of it you can’t have any kind of physicality?
Is he affected so much that you are just caring for him and have no relationship? If the relationship is effectively over I think you are entitled so seek happiness elsewhere. But if you are still able to have a relationship just minus the sex you should stay faithful to your husband.

We separated for a couple of years over it. Then realised that wasn’t actually what anyone wanted and over a course of about six months had a few nights where we drank a bit too much and said some things we could pass off as being wine fuelled but both of us knew were true. We haven’t talked about it since then but that’s not unusual, we’re not big emotional chatters.

To be clear though - if someone was mysteriously away overnight or obviously talking to someone else that would be unacceptable. A second relationship of any kind is not on the table.

I would miss sex with my DH but I couldn't have sex with someone else, as the thought of him doing that if I was in that position would be unbearable.

That's what you need to consider. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if he went elsewhere?

No I couldn’t do that. Poor dh is in a position he didn’t choose and he is going to be punished for it too. Get a toy. If you truly loved him you wouldn’t even entertain the thought but that’s just me.

No. If you aren't happy you need to talk to him or reassess things. You don't just cheat whatever the circumstances.

If knowing would destroy him then it is too risky to break his trust. You would be so sad.
You could lose your self respect.
Can't you visit an adult sex shop with DH and experiment with gadgets, music etc. Your husband being on Morphine would have some times during the day that would be more suitable than others perhaps. I think lateral thinking is needed from you both.

Definitely not ok.
If you really need sex (which definitely isn't an unreasonable need) and DH can't ever again then you need to end the relationship.
Cheating is not the answer.