No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

[Tenaciousbeyondallthings]

My DH has severe physical and MH problems after a botched operation.. (he can no longer work but has been handsomely compensated - as was high earner) We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m ..

I am 56 and haven't had sex since 2019.. previously we had a fantastic sex life ..

I have a 'no strings attached' opportunity. With someone I like (but do not love like I love DH)

Would I be wrong to just enjoy the physical gratification ?

I don't understand how your husband being physically incapable of sex in any form can be compatible with an amazing lifestyle. I'm kind of stuck here. And also it hasn't 10 years of no sex.

Poor bloke. It's an awful situation. I guess nobody can tell you what to do.

You're thinking of it already. It's likely to happen whether we forbid you or not.

Gosh, that sounds very hard OP. I'm sorry you're in this position.

The only thing I would say is, you don't know the consequences of this one act. You might fall for the guy, you might decide you can't live without sex after all, your husband might find out and be devastated by it:

So I'm not saying yes or no. Just be aware that you can't necessarily control where this will take you.

Isn’t that 5 years, not 10?

2019 was 5 years ago, not 10. Is this just made up? 🙄

Some scummy people above.

Husband was injured... HE got compensation for it. You've been living the highlife off his injury, and now that (potentially) the money is depleted, you're looking elsewhere.

You knew you'd miss sex, so a good person would have said "sorry, I can't live without this, I know it's harsh, but I'm leaving you. Keep this money, it's yours."

Instead, it's "you're suffering, I'm going milk as much as I can until I can't handle the lack of sex any more, and then I'm going to cheat on you"

The worst part is you're considering doing it behind his back.

Leave him, as you're already looking. Don't take a penny of the money, and maybe you're a decent person.

Your husband can do so much better

Isn’t that 5 years, not 10?

Honestly I would but I know I never had an issue separating emotions from sexual attraction.

Are you confident in being able to keep emotions out of it ? Are you confident in the person's discretion?

So you know it would destroy him, but that still isn't enough to stop you wanting to do it just in case he somehow found out afterwards? That doesn't sound like any kind of love I'd want, but if you already cheated in 2019 you can probably convince yourself that it's all fine.

Not only are you shit at maths, you also aren't a very nice person.

Why on earth would you do something that you know would destroy your husband, presumably the man you love?

If you miss sex and it's that important to you, leave your husband and go for it. Don't betray him.

Also, the mention of money in your OP is gross.

No clue about your husbands disability but if he can still work his tongue, then get a decent vibrator and have him work the little man in the canoe. But if he's one of those guys that "won't go down there" then you need to have a talk.

There was/is a thread running earlier about a woman with a long term health condition that prevented her or put her off having sex and had recently found out her DH has been having sex with women on the side for years but had no intention of leaving her.

A lot of people suggested she turn a blind eye - a few also said that, being realistic, it was bound to happen.

Aside from the money this sounds similar but with the genders reversed.

OP may wish to have a read - if she hasn’t already.

I wouldn't judge you if you went ahead.

Wouldn't be ok for me. Is cheating plain and simple.

I have taken everything on board.. and have made a decision.. ultimately I made a vow.. in sickness and in health.. .. they weren't just words . They were a solemn promise.

He would be as devastated as I would be in the same circumstances,

So it's a no , End of . Time to keep it as fantasy ..

If I'd been in a similar situation to my
husband I would not want him to remain celibate from age 40something until one of us dies. I just wouldn't.

Going behind his back is another matter. Sticking by him because of a vow written centuries ago is and taken years ago is not a reason to stay. That's why divorce exists.

Yet many mumsnetters insist that marriage is purely a legal contract!

Sorry typo .. botched op was 2014..

Nope. It's cheating and sleazy as fuck!

Meant to say if I got injured like OPs husband, I wouldn't expect my husband to remain celibate.

Wow no way!! Am glad you’ve realised you’ve made a horrible selfish suggestion. Although the fact you want to do it, is bad enough.
I’d happily just use a vibrator. Your poor husband.

Part of you dies when you don’t have sex and want to. Do it.

I am guessing OP's DH is in the same boat... except he isn't capable of having sex. It must be worst for him, seeing as he can't just have an affair and sort his needs out.

I can't have ses because of severe hip arthritis. It's too painful. We do other stuff but I cant have sex. Luckily my DP is very understanding. I'd be devastated if he was off having "no strings attached" stuff on the side. Everything has strings.

Christ this just put me off oral sex for the foreseeable.

It does beg the question is there some solution that doesnt leave OP unsatisfied sexually? Cheating not the answer. Perhaps DH would be more amenable to hiring a professional so it's strictly business or enlisting a willing volunteer. It's the 21st century after all.