No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

[Tenaciousbeyondallthings]

My DH has severe physical and MH problems after a botched operation.. (he can no longer work but has been handsomely compensated - as was high earner) We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m ..

I am 56 and haven't had sex since 2019.. previously we had a fantastic sex life ..

I have a 'no strings attached' opportunity. With someone I like (but do not love like I love DH)

Would I be wrong to just enjoy the physical gratification ?

Ten years, so before his operation?

Can’t you ask him? If i wasn’t able to function in that way I wouldn’t want my husband to have a life of celibacy.

You're lovely and generous. However, my husband did expect that sigh ..

no , do not. It would be awful. Sickness and in health

Yes, definitely tell a few trusted people. Like your hairdresser, family members, tennis partners, that nice woman in the coffee shop…

Yes, that is what most cheating men think. Quickly move on, it was just a quick shag….

I'd say 'No' as it would be betraying your husband. Your 'no strings' option with someone you like but don't love could easily result in you falling in love. If you were comfortable with availing of the opportunity, you wouldn't have contacted mumsnet. I do sympathise with your situation but several people are in sexless relationships.

Laughing so hard at some of the pearl clutchers on here who gave up on sex a decade before the OP, and want to get a dig in at the OP even daring to have any sexual needs whatsoever.

Quoted wrong post

Nope.

It's nothing to do with being prudish. Some people treat relationships seriously. When you commit to someone, you stand by them in the bad times as well as the good. Many people seem incapable of understanding that you shouldn't always put yourself first. It's just me, me, me. So long as I get what I want, everything's OK – nothing else matters. And if people get hurt in the process, too bad.

There are other things in life that matter you know – like love, loyalty, honour, etc. If the OP betrays her partner for an afternoon of awkward (and probably mediocre) sex, then she'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life.

Well said.

Maybe she didn't have a crystal ball when they got married 🤷‍♀️

Why is she going to have awkward and mediocre sex with this other person? I get you might disapprove morally, but I'm not sure why the sex is going to be rubbish?!

I've been on MN for over 20 years so I think I am on solid ground in saying that on threads where a woman has stopped having sex with her male partner for years, refuses to discuss it and there is no prospect of change, the thread will definitely include some responses suggesting that the man can consider going outside the marriage (though a lot more advising him to leave).

Where there are young children, the frequency of sex is lower than one would like but the couple still have a sex life, the responses will be different, because that's a different situation.

As for taking relationships seriously - so do I, and I should think the OP does as well, since she's already kept going for ten years. I take my dp's wellbeing seriously enough to care more about his happiness than an idea of fidelity that doesn't seem human.

It seems like sex needs its own little disclaimer in the marriage vows. If for any reason a partner is unable or unwilling to meet the others carnal desires, you may go forth and fuck whomever you please. You may now kiss the bride.

If the partner was concerned about his wife's desires, then he'd be discussing it or initiating the conversation about how this was going to work going forward. It's not many people who can just cope with a complete cessation of everything, I also wonder if that includes other types of intimacy and bonding in which case, I wouldn't want to go without touch and hugs and caring of any type for 40 years and I would consider splitting up. It is a difficult situation, but 'in sickness and in health' goes both ways in the marriage, and I think marriage counselling would help enormously to open up these conversations, to make the situation liveable for everyone.

It's also important to acknowledge it as a genuine loss, even if it's one you can choose to live with.

Ironically of course men are far more likely to leave their wives when they get sick with cancer or other illnesses, wives are, and are expected to be, far more dutiful when that happens. It's about six times more likely for wives to be abandoned after chronic illness than the other way around.

No I didn’t say he couldn’t make an informed decision, I’m talking about the other physical things posters are suggesting which OP said he’s not up to

Does anyone? 🤷🏼‍♀️That’s the risk you take…. In sickness & in health.