My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

I have someone in my family like this; recently when I ordered pudding and they laughed that I could eat pudding on top of dinner I was very direct and said “do you mean to make me feel rubbish about what I eat”. I’d tried ignoring it for years or making little hints but being direct appears to be the only way. The person certainly has issues with food and weight and I’m fed up of being also made to feel greedy or rubbish

Thats quite a horrible thing to write about your SIL. Just enjoy your dinner when you’re ant family event and ignore what she eats or doesn’t.

Your feelings are your feeling but sour doesn’t feel or look good!

Is it the competing under-eating that’s annoying? Or does she have to a running commentary e.g. “oooh, the portions are so big here!”. “I could never eat that much, surprised you can!”. “That could feed 2 people!”

You have clearly not met someone who actively makes every meal time fucking purgatory

Comments about weight, the constant policing of everyone else's plates and the snide remarks about children and their parents' eating habits

I avoid one member of my fairly fucked up family after she screwed up her own children, encouraged them to do the same and they ended up sectioned

It really is not horrible to write that about a SIL who is like this if she voices it and it's making others uncomfortable it's the truth and I would call her out on it. I have a mother that does this to me... I was in hospital with suspected meningitis and she visited and bought me a slimming magazine as it was far better for me to loose weight and not be a burden on the NHS ( I was 5'6" and 12st) she has to be the one who monitors what everyone eats so she can eat less.
I'm with you OP it's bloody wearing and frustrating

Who cares about her current or former appearance or what she eats? Sure, ‘Are you really going to eat ALL that digestive biscuit by yourself?’ is a bit tiresome to be around, but just sit at a distance, and ignore.

Having an eating disorder is horrible and it does take over your entire life. I dont think anyone would choose to be that way.
One of my aunts was like this. She'd only eat a jam sandwich if the rest of us had lunch. She died far too long due to health complications and osteoporosis directly linked to her restricted diet.
Just try and look at it as a mental illness/ compulsion, and be glad it's not you!

I ignore people like this - I appreciate that is very hard do, but I give myself a hard enough time as it is about my fluctuating weight and binge eating disorder without letting other people also make me feel bad!

My MIL tends to make comments like “oooh that’s a big portion” or “ooh I possibly couldn’t eat anymore after this” and I just change the subject as I refuse to engage with it from anyone.

My sister is like this. She is in a different country but when we meet there is always a question ‘how much do you weigh?’. It’s annoying as i’ve had an ed when i was young, she knows that but it doesn’t matter to her. It’s all about weight and how much exercise you do and quite a bit of silent judgement because i don’t do as much as she does.

She even asks my mom what is her weight, a 70 year old, and compares who is skinnier🙄
There’s definitely some unhealthy dynamics going on but as i’m countries away it doesn’t bother me much anymore. I can see how having your SIL constantly go on about it is dragging you down, i would feel the same if my sis was nearby. And i’m size 10 (who cares btw) so it’s not like i’m huge.

just dont get drawn into the competition

I think more info is needed here.

What is she actually doing/saying that suggests she’s ’trying to drag you down’?

I have definitely known some competitive under eaters who are clearly judging others and yes, it’s a pain. I also have some experience of being around people with eating disorders and it’s bloody hard when they’re in denial and trying to validate their own eating by pretending their under eating is normal and everyone else’s normal eating is excessive.

But I have also known some people who project their own insecurities on to others and think other people’s choices are a dig at them. I lost five stone a few years back and despite the fact that I never, ever said anything negative about anyone else’s (or even my own!) food, weight or bodies, I still encountered a few people who somehow thought it was about them.

I've voted YABU not because she isnt being unreasonable/annoying, of course she is. But she obviously has a mental issue with food intake and low self esteem. Show offs always have underlying issues and lack self confidence. So YABU to let it bother you when really you should feel sorry for her and also YABU for lettig it be an issue when its so easily solved - dont go for meals with her or, if you have to, position yourself as far away from her as possible.

The commentary (which is the competitive part), for sure. I wouldn't mind if she just drank black coffee and smoked a gauloise (metaphorically, not a fan of passive smoke). It's the "oo we'll all be STUFFED for the rest of the day after that!" and then somehow working in a comment on who has the smallest dress size.

My DM is like this. I had to hear it all whilst growing up. Things like 'oo you know how to tuck it away don't you!' 'I don't know where you put it all!' 'Have you got hollow legs?' And if I serve her up a meal, she'll say 'I can't eat all that!!' and then proceeds to eat it all. Drives me nuts but I ignore it all now.

(As an aside, she was a 'feeder' too...'if you loved me, you'd eat it all' kind of message...giving a 12 year old a plate of food the same size as my DF (manual worker) at the time. But then she'd give herself much smaller (proper sized) portions. I remember once, she took me shopping as I needed a new outfit for an occasion, I was around 10 I guess and during the time, the fashion was to wear jumper dresses. I came out of the changing room wearing one and she sniggered behind her hand at me saying 'hold your tummy in!' and 'the hem at the front goes right up because the material has to cope with your big tummy'. I'm 54 now and that still stings.)

I’ve got an aunt like this.
Everything gets a comment.

my cousin (her son) married a lovely lady who is a private chef and not thin as a credit card, and I think she’s genuinely a bit disappointed. Very strange.

My mum still tells tales of how solid I was as a baby 🤣

The answer is to ignore and know it comes from a place of insecurity, I know, it's just so arggg

Have you tried playing her at her own game? Eg let her order her food first so say she orders roast chicken dinner THEN you order the tuna salad, no dressing or a bowl of soup etc etc and if she leaves some on her plate you leave more etc etc
It'll wind her up no end! And you'll feel better for getting your own back. It also proves she can't win.

But she does win if I end up not just having what I want!! I just want to enjoy myself. Food is one of the few reliable pleasures in this world.

My mother is a size 22. Fuck knows how as she claims to have never been able to finish a meal. It's the weirdest thing ever.

No matter what she eats - 'oh, there was too much, I couldn't get through half of it.'

Rightio. This is the woman who criticises me every time she sees me for being too thin.

This is my ex mil. She’s is basically a bag of bones. Prides her self on eating 2 roast potatoes in a day. Then will gasp ‘ you’ve eaten ALL THAT!’ When it’s just a normal plate.

She is massively under weight and her son my ex was obese - until he had his stomach done.

I actually said once after she basically calling me greedy and my ex calling me a ‘machine’ regarding me finishing my dinner that I was the only one in the room with out a eating disorder

Does she actually have an eating disorder?

If not, YABU for diagnosing her with one (it's quite possible to just be annoying about wanting to be the slimmest etc).

If so, still YABU for not having more sympathy because eating disorders are very serious things.

How many times do you eat with her anyway over the course of a year? If she's getting to you this much, cut down on eating together.

Yeah it does sound tiresome. She probably won’t change so it’s just a case of working at not letting it bring the mood down, for you. Maybe even make sure you’re at the other end of the table or something.

I think that constantly counting calories and weaponising food is disordered. Sure it's not the most severe kind but these things are a spectrum.

We eat together at least monthly because of wider family events. It's remarkably hard to avoid food related social awkwardness!

This sounds like my sister and it got to the point after seeing how screwed up one of her children is about food that I reduced contact drastically so my daughters were not exposed. Her son sits there and says he can't eat that because he'll get fat and asks how many calories are in everything. My sister says it is due to a 'healthy eating' lesson they did at school.... 🙄 She says she's always told him it's her issue and not his to take on...

She was anorexic as a teenager but still she announces she won't be eating the family meal. She brings a little pot of granola to pick on but makes a massive show of it. She sapped all enjoyment out of a meal time and time and time again. I grasp that living with an eating disorder isn't fun, but bloody hell, at 45 years old do it quietly so that the children don't hear it all.

Never again.

I'd go the other way then, and make a massive thing about how much you eat, how life's too short to deny yourself. Really trowel it on.