My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

Stare them in the eye and say why do you want some ? When they pearl clutch and say nooo say good then yeah I’m eating all this 😂

When I first started off in the corporate world with another grad, we had one of these. She would actually go through our desk bins (remember when they were a thing?!) to ask if we had really eaten that whole sandwich / bag of crisps / whatever it happened to be. She would then hold the pack out and say to everyone else 'ooh don't know how she doesn't weigh ten tonnes eating this everyday'. Bonkers behaviour.

As long as the SIL keeps her opinions to herself then the OP should do the same though I doubt the SIL keeps quiet, she'll consider herself to be on the moral high ground.

Don't ignore, say something along the lines of 'It's like brains, I prefer to have more than other people'.

Did someone have a word with her? Apart from anything else, it would have made her unpopular.

I remember all the young women in my office competitively dieting - none would eat any sandwiches so lunchtime meetings would mean loads of curling sandwiches left over. It always made me uncomfortable, I felt like I was constantly being judged.

Oh god my former mil was one of these and her equally dull as dishwater daughter 🤦🏻‍♀️ “Oh I’ll be full all day now” after Sunday lunch and giving me looks because I’m having a pudding. She make a bag of crisps last 3 days and her daughter starves all day and then eats chocolate at night.

Dh and I were the slim ones because we actually ate healthily.

I would feel sorry for her. What a miserable way to live and to define yourself by thinness.... What a thing to be known for. Is there a way you can just tune it out and continue to enjoy what you eat?

think that constantly counting calories and weaponising food is disordered. Sure it's not the most severe kind but these things are a spectrum.

She may well have disordered eating. Eating disorders are not a spectrum, they are recognised serious mental health conditions with criteria that need to be met before diagnosis. Of course she may have an undiagnosed eating disorder and yes there are of course different severities.

In any case, disorder or not, you don't have to accept someone behaving badly towards you.

My sil is like this too

One of those who says, do we really need to eat dinner?

Yes. Yes we do.

That doesn’t really tally OP. People who are “at one” with themselves tend not to “hate” other people or be affected by “downers”; nor do they make snippy comments about someone being “beautiful” in their youth but “pretty ordinary” now.

I don’t buy it, I don’t know what’s going on but it sounds like you’re as competitive with her as she is with you.

Haha, I recently had someone do the "how can you eat all this?"

I am older now so I respond.

I looked back with a serious face and said: "Discipline, x. You've got to have the discipline."

Best. Ever. Answer.

I'm going to say it: an eating disorder is no excuse. She knows exactly what she's doing.

I have ARFID, which is nothing to do with wanting to be skinny: I know I'm too underweight, its not healthy and I know it looks bad, but due to my autism a lot of the sensations around eating are very uncomfortable and I have a limited range of safe foods (though wider than it used to be). I never comment on anyone's plate or body size because I know how uncomfortable and shaming it is when people do it to me. You can have an eating disorder and still have empathy for other people. Just like you can have an eating disorder and also be a nasty piece of work.

Also, I've been close with someone who had anorexia and the absolute last thing she would do is draw attention to how little she ate. She wanted to give the impression that she ate more.

Hmm... maybe say, "Yes, I'm ordering plenty of food because I don't want osteoporosis when I'm older [tinkly laugh]. You need to watch it, Thelma, or you'll end up all bent over and weedy [tinklier laugh]".

That's the best response!

I agree @Mirabai
Op says 'who cares?'. But to comment like that sounds very much like she does.
Reading through the thread I think there is an awful lot of disordered eating being described. It doesn't always manifest in quietly eschewing food. People who eat in a disordered fashion do exhibit odd behaviours. And frankly can be annoying - destructive even.

Me too - the feeder part anyway. I have always been self conscious and never liked my body, probably because of comments my mother made when I was a teenager (in the 70s). Such as:

You should wear a roll on (corset) to hold your belly in - I didn't have a big belly
You have got footballers legs i.e. big thighs
You should wear such and such style dresses as they are more slimming.

I was about 9 stone and a (1970s) size 12 at the time and, in hindsight, had a decent figure. My mother was always on some weird diet or other - the grapefruit diet, the egg diet etc. We had a very similar figure but she was a size bigger at the time.

Her comments have impacted me all my life. To this day I won't go in communal changing rooms, wear a swimsuit or bikini, let anyone see me undressed.

OP's done an anon post.

SIL actually says this shit to their face, so she's the horrible one.

Codswallop. I was beautiful in my youth but I'm pretty ordinary now. It's not a criticism, just a fact of life.

And no one likes a downer.

Solidarity, OP. My family is full of these. People on here have been unable to believe some stories I've shared and you know what, I don't blame them, but they're as true as I'm posting here instead of starting dinner.

The only thing that works is to carry on eating as you want and making it clear you do not care, do not give it all the worthiness that they give it and refuse to engage. It takes a while and it is really, really irritating trying to enjoy your food while some tiresome twat witters on and on about how much you're having. But they are trying to win a game and the only way to win is to show you aren't playing. Eat what you want, ignore all the commentary or just say "I don't care, I enjoy it, I don't care how much anyone eats." Are you going to eat all that? "Yes, it's delicious." I couldn't eat all that! "Poor you, it's delicious. So, about the football..."

It's absolutely obnoxious. You have my sympathy. Be comforted that everyone hates these people.

My.mum is a bit like this. Lots of comments about not needing anything else for the rest of the day if we have a lunch that's anything bigger than a sandwich. Always chooses two starters rather than a starter and a main as she "couldn't possibly eat more than that".

She is very petite, but she thinks both she and I are bigger than we are. So if we're in a clothes shop she'll insist on trying on a size 12 because in her head that's what she is, even though in reality she's a size 8. Then if i pick up a size 14 for me she'll start saying "I don't think youll fit into that" even though I am a bog standard 14 in most shops.

She raises her eyebrows if she thinks I'm eating too much and polices my plate like I'm 5 when in fact I'm 57.

However, when my (now adult) kids are around, they can do no wrong. One is a very picky eater and the other is a very healthy eater who enjoys his food. Neither of them can do any wrong.

I've absolutely met someone like this. Every single bloody meal was a smorgasbord of "Oh, I can't believe you eat all that. I couldn't eat three full meals a day. If I ate all that I'd feel so full! A snack? You only had breakfast three hours ago. Goodness me, are you eating again? I don't know where you put all this."

It got very wearing very quickly and made me feel very self conscious of what I was eating (which was an entirely normal amount of food).

It is sad when women - and it is always women - feel the need to show that they're undereating. I know it can be a generational thing as in the past women were sometimes brought up to eat less, leave food on their plate etc. in order to look dainty and feminine, as well as not taking resources that could go to men. It's a shame that still persists.

The bottom line is: don't comment on what other people are or aren't eating unless you have a serious concern for their health, in which case do it discretely and privately.

I would say in an extremely polite detached tone, "I'm sorry? What is it you are trying to say?" and "I don't really understand the relevance." Over and over again every time she makes some kind of remark. It should (hopefully) fade off if she has to keep explaining her rudeness.

My mum does it and always has - since I was very young.

Anytime we eat together 'oh that would fill me for a WEEK'. After her tiny portion 'oh my GOSH I am so FULL'.

It's really quite miraculous I've not ended up with an eating disorder tbh.

I think she's just annoyed her beauty doesn't have the capital she thinks it ought. I definitely don't compete with her - I'm a walking Baz Luhrmann. Sometimes you're ahead. Sometimes your behind. The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.