My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

This made me laugh as sounds like my own lovely mum
She wasnt really a competitive under eater and was always overweight but always used to insist she struggled to finish meals and rarely ate a biscuit or cake....but actually she just left a few salad leaves on the side of her plate!

She'd read a diet magazine and say she wasn't sure how she lose weight "eating all that" because it was more than she usually ate (it wasn't!)

Oh God this sounds utterly tedious. Yes, I do empathise with her having disordered eating - so many of us do! But I don't think I could tolerate this at every family meal.

I thankfully don't have in-laws like this, but I did work with a group of people who did the whole "sooooo much food, I won't need any dinner now" thing when eating a small plate of food. It made no sense either as none of them were what you'd call skinny (neither am I but at least I can eat a normal meal without going off on one)

No - I am one of those people who is perfectly at one with my body. I hate downers and I don't think anyone is impervious to that kind of negativity, though. Plus I do feel bad for her daughter.

MIL does it sometimes. She has dieted for years and is slim now after being "fat" as a child (a bit solid but not really fat) and overweight in her middle years. I have some sympathy with perhaps a buggered metabolism, osteoporosis and poor muscle tone but she has a real hang up about large people and doesn't always appreciate how much others need to eat and that we are not just being greedy! The thing is I really thought she looked better plump too.

I like this. It is actually more polite to be direct with stuff like this.

My Mum used to have a friend who was like this and it was exhausting. She would make a massive song and dance over how she wouldn’t have a slice of cake because it was “too rich” and “she couldn’t possibly eat all that” - but then she would eat it all. I think it was an attitude that was expected in the 1950s / 1960s - women were supposed to act as though they ate like birds. The world has moved on - commenting on what others eat or don’t eat is now quite rude.

""the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s"

What a thing to think!

Well she is open about considering herself the beautiful one! She looks fine but she's not Salma Hayek or something.

People like this are so irritating. And the opposite of actualy anorexics, who don't want to comment on what anyone's eating, find group eating situations pretty awful and would be mortified if anyone commented on what they were eating or not-eating.

Ignore her totally. Apart from, every time you see her, tell how how well and healthy she's looking. That'll really get her goat.

I would (and have) just calmly say “to be honest I prefer not to comment on anyone’s weight or food and eating choices”.

On Repeat , and then grey rock, change the subject and don’t let it penetrate your Teflon mind shield!

If she ever asks why, tell her in a brief factual way, (e.g “I find food, weight and body image is such a sensitive subject for young women, I prefer not to perpetuate what could be an unhealthy focus. And for myself I am not interested. As long as I am healthy, that’s fine. Obviously up to you what you are interested in but I am the wrong audience for discussing what anyone else chooses to eat”).

If she weren't divorced, I'd swear the OP's SiL was my DSis.

I have learnt to filter out her constant comments are her looks/we, mine looks/weight

OMG my sister, though not vain, but did (does?) have and ED and when we go out to eat always monitors what we are ordering, complaining the portions are so big, the food will go to waste, we 'don't need' it, and so on. She once said I give my kids too much bittersweet (I actually don't give them hardly any, a block of butter lasts weeks). Her fridge has hardly anything in it as she seems to worry she'll just eat it all.
It makes going out with her a bore as I feel I can't eat without her judging me. I do cut her off if she starts on my kids (19 and 20) though, my son does have an ED and my DD is a normal healthy weight and does not.

You have my sympathies. My MIL and GMIL are like this. If we go out as a family they share a children's meal and still complain of been stuffed. It's actually embarrassing seeing 2 grown women order a child's portion and a spare plate as they are going to share.

Us and BiL and SIL don't eat out with them any more or visit at meal times as it's just boring listening to the running commentary of how stuffed they are because they looked at dust earlier in the day.

Christmas is always a mare as when they host everyone gets teeny tiny portions. The best one to date was boxing day tea at MIL's which she plated and served for us. We all got half a slice of ham, half a slice of bread, 1 slice of lettuce, 2 slices of cucumber, 2 cherry tomatoes, 1 teaspoon of sweet corn, 1 pork pie that was cut to serve 16, 1tsp coleslaw, 1 mini party sausage. That was it. There were no leftovers or anything. She made out she had made a feast so we were to go hungry, us, BIL, SIL and the nephews all had KFC on the way home.

I find the obsession with thinness a bit odd. I used to be like that as a teenager and in my early 20s. I starved myself so much I was underweight and my periods stopped for a year.
As I got older I thought it was all ridiculous. Basically I want to be healthy and nourish my body which means I am a healthy weight but by no means skinny. I very much enjoy food.
I find it weird when older women are still so obsessed with being thin. I have a friend who's 60 and all she talks about is her weight. She seems to live on a selection of kale/spinach smoothies and chopped raw vegetables. She often says thing like "Oh God, the doctors going to weigh me. I've put on lbs this year. He'll tell me off". If anything she's underweight, certainly not remotely overweight. I think come on! You're 60, you're healthy, why the obsession with being thin?

My sister chose to leave school at 16, against all family precedent and expectation, and declared "I'll get by on my looks". In her 50s and divorced now, she's finding out at this is not a particularly long term strategy.

I'm afraid I would not be inviting her, and saying why. Comments like that cause others t doubt themselves and cause poor body image, and I would not want that sort of behaviour around my pre teen daughters.

My MIL Like this and it’s totally exhausting. Every time she put some small amount on her plate, everyone else will help themselves then she’ll say oh I’ve not eaten very much. Why is there no so-and-so left? Because you took so long to eat it other people thought you’d had enough.

I have a father like this. He is constantly commenting on portion sizes etc etc it's so exhausting. I just talk about our business and working long hours and our achievements to shut him up. Puts me off seeing them though. Shame we can't choose our family!

I know a woman like that. I always order dessert and look at her as if I don’t understand what she is talking about.

Are you sure your SiL doesnt have an eating disorder?

If she does, you need to know it's a horrible thing and a horrible way to live, and food will dominate her waking thoughts. I wouldn't wish it on anyone

My mum is like this, I ignore the topic completely now

Ignore her stupid games, just refuse to engage. If you have children and they pick up on this nonsense in her company you will really be angry.

People who want to undereat can get on with it all they like - bearing medical conditions I don't want to hear about it and I'm not at all sympathetic.

Every time they open their mouths to talk about food or weight I walk away. Pathetic!

My SIL is like this and I agree it is soooo annoying !!! Not to mention she has allergies so I bend over backwards to accommodate and then she won’t eat it anyway or will have the teeniest slither of cake & then go on & on about how fat she is going to get. So bloody boring !

Oh I know this VERY well. I worked with a woman, she was very petite and thin and I am absolutely neither of those things but don't really care. She loved to talk about how her bones protruded and how she would skip lunch and just have another cup of tea all that crap. I lost about three stone due to health and personal life being shite once and she was LIVID with me - I was nowhere near as slim as her but my god, it was so weird. People would come in the office and comment on my weightloss, which in itself isn't something I agree with, but she would butt in all the time with weird little comments about how it wasn't a competition, or come and look at what I ate for lunch and say "careful with all that processed crap" (I was actually eating sliced pepper when she said that hahaha). We ended up having a huge falling out when I piled a load of weight back on and she told me I should be ashamed of myself haha. Fucking boot.

Strong possibility that we have the same mother 🙃

I used to know someone like this so I made a rule - talk at mealtimes could be about whether or not you enjoyed the food, or would have it again. Not about shaming others for their choices.
She just switched to being nasty about other things. Its not just food she has an issue with, she needs to put other people down to make her feel like she's the best.