My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

I have similar issues. I won't go bare legged unless on the beach, and clothes shopping often reduces me to tears. Fun times!

Sending her a selfie of my new haircut a few years ago:
"Oh dear, not the best photo of you"

Similar comment recently on an old photo of me in a swimsuit aged 15.

Just before going out to dinner in my 20's:
"Do you wear black tights because you think it makes your legs look slimmer? Because I'm not sure it does."

Wearing a new skirt aged 14 which I loved:
"Umm... are you going to try and hold your bottom in somehow?"

Wearing shorts as a teenager on a ridiculously hot day (at a family party in front of all my cousins):
"Gosh! Very brave of you to wear those!"

I was briefly engaged a few years ago and I showed her some pictures of me in a bridal shop trying on a few dresses. I was sort of prepared for her to say something nice or get a bit emotional (too many romcoms!), but there was total silence. A day or so later she made a comment to someone else, in front of me, while looking at one of my bridal magazines. It was along the lines of:
"I don't understand these very tight dresses some women wear. It shows off every lump and bump, it's very unforgiving. Imagine wanting to show off your big bottom on your wedding day!"

Plus lots of talk at meal times along the lines of many other posts here.

In a way I think she thinks she's being helpful. As though I'm completely unaware if my hair looks awful/teeth are crooked/I've put on weight etc. and if she helpfully mentions it to me I'll magically be able to change the way I look. I know it's more about her insecurities than mine, but it still hurts.

I just say, I like food, I like being healthy and I like to eat enough to be healthy, and then ask why would anyone not want to do that in a puzzled voice. No one comments twice on my portion sizes

Surely you can be quite happy with your body shape and still be pissed off when someone makes comment about what you eat or look like compared to them?

What a shame it is for women to treat each other this way. One commenting on the others food so they can feel good that they're slimmer and have greater self discipline. The other smug that the once beautiful one is now only 'ordinary'.
One of these you have no control over. The other one you do, so just stop it. Stop caring about how thin or beautiful your SiL is, act true to your words that the only race is with yourself, and free yourself from the competition with another woman. Once you do that, properly, her attempts to engage you in competition will be water off a ducks back. She'll ask if you're eating all that, and you'll reply, 'yes, I love my food', with a big smile because you are fine with yourself and you won't care.

I had a colleague like that. We had to have staff lunches. I was the youngest in my mid twenties and still quite skinny. She was about average. The comments...'You're not going to eat ALL THAT, are you?' You don't look like you eat that much. I could never eat that bread!' Always in front of the whole table. Insinuating I was a greedy pig for having a normal lunch! Food police and passive aggressive comments are annoying.

Ugh at all the big bottom and tummy comments. These women must never have enjoyed good and carefree sex in their lives!

I hope girls these days have a better time of it with body positivity but I bet there's some other rubbish they have to deal with

I've known a few women like this but particularly my fil's wife who eats like a bird and hates fat people. She likes to comment on how much other people eat...always 'so much'.

I'm a healthy weight but I do a lot of activity so I'm ALWAYS HUNGRY.
I thoroughly enjoy telling competitive under eaters how HUNGRY I am ALL THE TIME. I am completely unabashed about it.
Takes the wind right out their sails. Try it.

To be clear - I don't care what she looks like. I care that she keeps acting like a lady chimpanzee trying to be troop alpha on the basis of what she looks like. She once said to me "it's so awful when a girl is ugly - I feel so sorry for their mothers". I mean. How can one not be at least a LITTLE annoyed by this sort of thing?

You can say that about yourself but saying it about someone else is mean-spirited. I wouldn’t say that about anyone I know

OMG🤬, I'm raging on your behalf.
Fuck her, you're beautiful!💐

So challenge her on those comments. Make it clear that you're a woman who doesn't think women's physical appearance matters. People only tend to compete with those they think are in the competition. Show her you're not remotely interested. Of course it's annoying, but you can't stop it, only disengage from it.

I’d think they were a bit of a twat I don’t see what it’s got to do with me. Why would anyone would care if someone comments on what they eat?

Everyone you know is just as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they were in their 20s?

I wouldn’t say that about anyone I know, is what I said.

So challenge her every time. Say ‘I don’t understand. What do you mean?’ When she says ‘Oh, you know what I mean!’ say ‘No, I don’t. Do explain.’ Make her spell out her internalised misogyny clearly.

Worst case scenario, you get to annoy her back. Best case, she actually faces up to her pathetically reactionary beliefs.

I remember my friend's mother telling her she shouldn't wear a miniskirt. I'm sorry I didn't say something. It would have been very awkward, but so what? The mother is very domineering, and tried to police every aspect of her daughters' behaviour. Her sons can do no wrong. 🙄

A relative of mine used to dread her mother visiting. There would be constant talk of weight and weighing herself. My mother banned weighing scales from our house when I was growing up as she didn't want this to continue to the next generation.

In fairness it’s not like it’s every day, and she has also said some very nice things to me too. But she definitely has issues around weight and body image. I’m sure she’d be mortified if she knew how clearly I remember these offhand remarks made so many years ago. They really stick with you.

Yep, have a relative similar to your SIL. Performative undereater (although she's size 18, so clearly only 'performative'). Constant running commentary and put-downs.

For years she tried to find a way to bite me, but never could, she's 5'1 size 18 and I'm almost 6' size 6/8, so it would be ridiculous for her to criticize me for being too fat or eating too much. However, she finally 'figured it out', ha. I weight 56kg, so she announced that 'no woman cannot actually be slim weighting nearly 60kg'. Apparently, only 50 and bellow would do. Matters fuck all to her, that she's shorter than my 11 year old daughter, and I'm taller than her husband, brother and father, taller than an average man, basically. Apparently, I'm still 'fat on paper' 😂

I just 'smile and wave/tinkly laugh' now.

Even completely anonymously, when it's true, and relevant?

Ok. But according to OP, this woman feels quite at ease making horrid comments about people's looks (did you see what she said about unattractive girls?) so I think most of us will find it hard to take great offence at OP giving us what she thinks is the reason for SIL being so utterly obnoxious.

She’s not anonymous to OP. Where you see offence I see someone who’s quite fucked up. I can’t imagine taking her comments seriously or personally.

She's anonymous to us and she has no idea OP is saying this, although from her behaviour it sounds as though secretly she agrees. Why wouldn't she? Who's as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they were in their 20s?

I'm glad for you that you can't imagine taking performative undereating, aka trying to spread your horrible disorder, ruin family occasions and shit all over other women's self confidence, very seriously or personally. You are very lucky. Most of us do have a reaction to obnoxious and antisocial behaviour. The good news is that one can learn to stop giving a shit about the effect they're trying to have on you, but I haven't yet learned how to stop disliking such obnoxious people.

OP’s saying this about someone she knows really well - that’s what feels blb.

Of course women can be as beautiful in their 40s as 20s. Some women look pretty much the same, but you don’t have to look young to be attractive.

Also talking about EDs as “your horrible disorder” is really off.

Once you realise that what people say is really about them and their issues you don’t take this kind of stuff personally.

Well sorry for anyone who has to suffer comments. Metaphorically pissing on your chips…

I was brought up that commenting on food except to say you liked it was a big no-no and very bad form.

Try taunting her with a massive piece of chocolate cake until she bursts into tears & runs out of the room. That’s how I dealt with my brother’s painfully thin ex over her repeated attempts to police what I was eating.

At family meals he would always make snide comments about what & how much I was eating. I tried hinting that she was out of order, but eventually she picked the wrong moment when I’d had a few drinks & my patience snapped. Unsurprisingly, she never commented on my food again. Not to my face, anyway.

In fairness to myself, at the time I genuinely didn’t know that she had an eating disorder or understand the true seriousness of such conditions and I wouldn’t do it again.

In the nicest possible way; with all her comments to you previously re your outfits….are you just overweight and she has been trying, tactlessly as your sister, to tell you it doesn’t look good/get you to reassess?

she clearly has some weight issues, but to me this whole thread reads like it bothers you because you are not slim and therefore you do see it as a dig/aren’t happy with your weight.

people who always comment on food etc are very tiresome, but it’s also tiresome when people are overly sensitive due to being overweight!