My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

Both my mil and sils are like this. It is extremely tiring and annoying. When I first met the three of them 20 odd years ago, they immediately pointed out how big I was (then a size 12) and how much food I could eat. Little did they know that I had suffered for years with an ED. They would literally eat some lettuce for lunch and then watch with horror as I tucked into meat, veg etc.

Now I am in my 50s I couldn't care less what they eat, what they think about my size or the comments they continue to make about my eating, although it bothered me terribly when I was younger. For the record, they are now all suffering with osteoporosis and look far older than their years.

I do actually believe this. I've been quite badly unwell this year and couldn't enjoy food at all, could barely eat, for about a month, so I'm vowing never to undervalue my appetite and the possibilities of food as a source of pleasure ever again! One day I might not be able to relish it so seize the day.

So annoying and I would be tempted to point out how tiresome it is to her. Or just absolutely gluten myself at the next event whilst she looked on in horror. Underweight 40yo women turn into frail and wrinkly 60yo women.

My MIL does this to an extent so I do understand ‘oh I could never eat that much’ ‘I don’t eat very much you know’ ‘I used to weigh six stone I’m so big now’ ‘I don’t know any other ladies who drink beer!’. I just ignore it really and eat whatever I feel like as a principle.

There isn't much you can do except try to ignore it. I'm sure you can't be the only person who has noticed. If it's a general comment aimed at whoever happens to be listening, don't engage. If it's directly aimed at you, just give a vague, noncommittal answer. If she tries to push for a response, change the subject/get up and go to the toilet/suddenly remember you left your phone in the car. I certainly wouldn't be trying to play her at her own game or playing any sort of game at all as a couple of pp's have suggested. There isn't anything much you can say out loud in front of others that wouldn't humiliate her. And personally, I wouldn't be going down that road if she is struggling with disordered eating.

How bizarre. You'd think if someone was thin then it's obvious they are thinner than the others. What difference does it make if they order 3 courses plus cheese or just a salad? The person is the same size regardless?!
Does she think she'll suddenly double in size before your eyes on consumption of one calorie?
Just totally ignore any chat from her about food. It's a really weird way to be in public. I suffer from anorexia and would never behave in this way. If I don't want to eat much I just don't. I don't impose it on other people or talk about it at the table! She just sounds really rude tbh.

You’re always worried about portion size Sarah. My friend did Weight Watchers & learned a lot, you might find it helpful!

I work with some of these people, I make a point to eat more and enjoy my food around them. Especially as I'm a healthy weight and enjoy the looks of horror as I have a 2nd helping of pudding with extra cream 🤣 best way to shut them up is show them you do not care.

Omg yes the "are you eating ALL of that??" office lunch police.

The best response is 'yep!' and just tuck in. Sod them 🤣

My mother is like this. I used to just ignore it then we had more young women in the family and it became a real concern to me that they would pick up on this.

So now I say things like ‘yes I’m lucky to have a good appetite’ and I say and do only positive things around food.

Really? - That was just plain nasty. Would you say the same to someone who was bipolar? Or had severe post-natal depression?

Would drive me absolutely bonkers. My mil is like this. I didn't see her much during my pregnancy because I couldn't stand hearing the unwelcome comments about how enormous I was... I wasn't and haven't ever been fat but she makes me feel like I am!! 🤔

I have the opposite in my wider family - people who eat loads and then keep commenting on the ones that don’t have the same large appetite, they competitive over eat. 😂
I agree it’s grating when people do things like this. I don’t know why people can’t just concentrate on what they are eating and enjoy it, rather than make other people feel bad about what they are eating.

I think I would go out of my way to eat as much as I could in front of her whilst giving her a hard Paddington Bear stare.
Her eating disorder is her business, your life and mental well being is yours. She can then like it or lump it.

I hate this so much. People having a pop at the OP have obviously never been on the receiving end, although I think the comments about her looks were unnecessary, no need for armchair psychology.

I agree try to sit as far away from possible. Once a month is a lot!

Each time she asks if you are going to finish your plateful, just enthusiastically agree, say that you are really going to enjoy it and give a big smile. Keep on doing that, show you don't share her hangups around food.

I suppose if you wanted to "get your own back" on her, you could do a whole faux concern thing every time she talked about being "stuffed" or her small dress size. So instead of it being a "good" or "enviable" thing to be underweight, it was called out for not being healthy. (I'm assuming you aren't concerned about her eating/size from your comments)

Hahaa. No I'm definitely in the call them out camp.

Nice time she mentions dress size say something like "yes Fiona you are still amazingly tiny ( she's insecure and needs positivity) . You don't eat much though and I've eaten loads . I just love the decadence.".

So she knows you are actively choosing to eat exactly what you do.

Why does it have to be about you, she has issues so leave them to her

Can I ask gently if you also have weight issues.,as I find these comments often hit harder when the listener does.

Omg. You have my SIL.

She's constantly sneering at me while she picks at her food. The correct answer to this is 'I don't have a problem with my food thank you' and crack right on.

I avoid mine and make sure I don't sit anywhere near her.

Also order extra portions of the bill is being split equally. She can at least compensate you for her shitty behaviour.

She sounds very sad. I’d feel sorry for her. Life can be very difficult for people who have always been judged purely on their appearance as they begin to change with age.

Honestly, I’d just smile and ignore the comments. It’s only competitive if other people buy into it.

honestly, particularly if you have daughters, I would address it straight out, ideally in front of others.

'SIL, I don't know if you realise but you make comments about how much everyone eats and everyone's dress sizes at every single meal. Can you please stop bringing it up? Not only is it incredibly boring but I don't want my dd to grow up hearing that and start focussing her worth on what she looks like or how much she eats. If you want to talk about calorie intake with friends or whatever that's fine but it's not a suitable discussion for a family meal.'

Then every time she tries again. 'SIL remember I asked that you not make comments about that?'

There's not really any come back to it that she can make without sounding like a dick. If she whines 'I didn't mean to upset anyone...' you can just say. 'I've never suggested you have upset anyone.' If she says 'It's a free world, I can talk about what I like,' you can say 'Yes, of course, but I'm sure we all agree there's a time and a place. For example we wouldn't discuss the war in Palestine when the kids are around, and I wouldn't bore you all with ranting about [insert your hobby or issue specific to your job]. If she carries on 'SIL I don't understand why you are so insistent on wanting to talk about dress sizes. Let's be honest it's not a very interesting conversation topic, is it? There are so many other things to talk about. Emily, how is your new job going?'

I would call her out each time. If she hadn’t actually got an ED.
”here you go again, trying to police other people’s food again, that’s really worrying you feel the need to do that.”
”why do you always need to be the one who eats the least or weighs the least, have you gone to your gp about this? It’s worrying.”

I have a colleague like that, she says all kinds of inappropriate and downright bizarre things, it can be very draining!