My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

Do we have the same mother??

Seriously though, mine is almost identical. Makes huge portions and insisted we clean our plates as children, but constantly goes on about how she can’t finish her dinner, how much my husband and I eat, laughs if I eat dessert or butter my bread (“well I see you love butter just like your father!”)… I love her but she can be SO insufferable, and as a chubby kid growing up, she gave me a huge inferiority complex and I am still bearing the insecurity and lack of confidence as a result of that today, decades later. Recently she remarked on my postpartum figure as I’d bought a dress in my prebaby size, but it was huge (definitely fitting two sizes bigger). She looked at it and then at me and said, “you’re not THAT big!” I pulled her up on it and then she was all apologies, insisting she didn’t mean what it sounded like she meant… sigh. The list is endless.

I have a daughter and I really hope I can break what I think was a maternal cycle for her.

Perhaps suggest that very thin women are particularly prone to osteoporosis after the menopause, generally tend to look older with gaunt faces and health is far more more important than being thin? Or ignore her

Maybe we’re triplets…

‘Are you going to eat all that’

”yes I am ” (Paddington hard stare)

don’t engage with crazy / rude people re. Your food intake. You eat what you want and bugger them - no one else’s place to judge what you do / do not eat.

don’t give them any bandwidth - most definitely their problem not yours .

commenting On what others do / do not eat is just so RUDE .

short answers and don’t engage with people like this is the only way to go,

Thinner women are at a higher risk of osteoporosis, but it's weight loss, and the subsequent excess skin which can make a face look gaunt. I think a woman who has always been thin will not necessarily look gaunt as she ages.

Sorry to hear you've had similar. It's so hard to be 'normal' around food isn't it. I'm overweight now and have had huge food issues all my life. I feel horribly self conscious as a result and hate being naked. I see myself in the mirror and just automatically think 'urgh, you're ugly/fat'.

I too have a DD and I've made sure my hang ups around eating and food are not her hang ups. She's a healthy, perfect weight for her height thank god with no issues around 'good/bad' foods so I've done that right at least.

If I were to tell my DM of how I feel, all the issues she's caused me, she'd be devastated...she had no clue whatsoever how damaging her remarks and actions were to a young girl. So sad. But hopefully I've broken the mould! 😊

My SIL could probably say the same about me as I lost a lot of weight (we were all overweight before) and to keep it off I just don’t say yes to the really huge portions they prepare. I try not to eat at their house at all as I know everything will have been prepared with as much oil and salt as possible.

i don’t say anything except no thank you, or I already ate, but I’ll sure someone will take offence. You can only be responsible for what you eat tbh, not anyone else, and this works both ways.

I feel your pain. My mother is also like this, very judgmental of everyone’s eating habits/portion size/choice of food/dress size. With her it is some sort of moral judgement, like she is more morally worthy because she is a smaller dress size. In her lifetime she has been quite underweight to fairly plump, for her height (say size 8 - 16 UK), but whatever weight she’s been, has never been happy. I think I have certainly inherited her disordered relationship with food, so am happy we live too far for regular visits with my own DD. I’m delighted that she has a ‘normal’ (whatever that is!) relationship with food and isn’t endlessly dieting/self critiquing like I was in my teens.

There are so many of us in this thread!! It’s kind of comforting but also infuriating and sad. :(

Thin and thinner have become judgy words too imo. I much prefer slim or slimmer, or healthy weight.
And slim women who do healthy things like lift weights mitigate against osteoporosis.

I know what you mean. I have two sister in laws exactly the same, they are now in their late 50’s and don’t look so good, really gaunt. It was always raised that they were a size 6/8 whilst I’m a size 12/14. What I didn’t find out until many years later is that one was bulimic and if the other ate something like chocolate she’d go on the exercise bike to immediately burn the calories off, crazy.

It as though it’s a competition between them, it’s really not healthy or attractive. Going out for meals isn’t pleasant, in fact I don’t do it anymore, it isn’t enjoyable seeing them pick at their food commenting about how much we’re all consuming.

I have a SIL like this and any family meal has always been accompanied by drama that there is nothing on the menu she can eat and comments about what people order. The menu has to be read out loud with a comment on each item so everyone knows her opinion on their choice. Her own teenage DD is now quite ill with bulimia so we've not been out for a while but I swore I'd never go again after she started advising my DD she shouldn't eat a salad as it had dressing on it.

@Pinkpurplespongebob short answers and don’t engage with people like this is the only way to go,

I disagree. I think asking them why they are commenting on what people are eating and arguing with them about their answers is the way to go. They continue to do this because no one ever tells them to stfu.

Nobody knows what has gone on in someone's background to make them like this.

One of my friends has very disordered eating habits, and I found out their DF used to weigh her and her sisters every week and cut their food if they were gaining weight. She never mentions her eating though, just quietly does what she feels she needs to do.

Doesn't mean you need to listen anymore banging on about it though.

My XSIL was the exact same.

I dealt with it by turning it into a secret joke. All the more enjoyable once the DC were older and started to notice and comment on it.

So when she had a spoonful of rice and said “Oh! I’m so STUFFED!” we were all smiling inside rather than getting uptight.

Play SIL bingo with yourself (and DH if he’s onboard, not sure if SIL is his sister or your brothers wife) and mentally cross off all her ridiculous comments. It helped me anyway.

And they look skinny, not slim.

Oh my goodness. Ii don’t blame you for swearing you’d never eat out with her again. Why the hell should one person be allowed to dictate?

@Mirabai because, as has been quite plainly outlined in this thread, a lot of women grew up around older women who seemed determined to shame them for not being perfect, and these things can be deeply ingrained.

Plus it can ruin a mealtime, and that's irritating and boring.