For being upset at what DP said to his friend?

[summerOnes]

DP is asleep on the sofa and his phone was next to me charged up. He kept getting messages from his best friend, like one every second saying “reply quick” so I went onto the messages to see if it was anything serious so I could tell DP.

Long story short I’ve just read a conversation that went like this.

His friend “how was Amsterdam, did you go to the red light district” (we went amsterdam last week week)
DP “yeah there were so many fit birds there”
His friend “There is isn’t there🤣”
DP “yeah I’m so glad I went with (my name) otherwise I’d be skint🤣”

Ive come upstairs because I am fuming. He’s still asleep downstairs and I know when I mention it to him he will say he was joking. But would anyone else take it as a joke? Am I over thinking and just put it down to lads having “banter”

The “banter” between him and his mate is pretty gross. Personally I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who talked about women like that, nor one who made offhand jokes about cheating on me. They were just jokes, however. He didn’t actually cheat.

But it’s not ok that you snooped on his phone for no good reason. If you were genuinely worried something was wrong then you should have woken him up.

My ex went snooping through my things once and then confronted me after reading something extremely private that was nothing to do with him. His excuse was “I needed some writing paper and I knew you keep paper in that drawer” (underwear drawer containing diaries and old correspondence). Why didn’t you use the notebook on the desk or paper from the printer? “Oh I thought we’d run out!”

If your curiosity got the better of you or you suspected him of something, just be honest about it.

Kiiiiiind of agree with this.

Except that an awful lot of men actually do go to places like Amsterdam and Prague on “lads holidays” with the express intention of buying sex.

We all like to think our partners wouldn’t do it, that it’s just those other awful men who prop up this massive global industry. But the industry wouldn’t exist at all if men were all as innocent as they pretend. Very VERY few women do the same. So if a woman made a joke like that, she’s almost certainly just joking. If a man makes a joke like that - in a private conversation to his male friend - you could be forgiven for thinking it might be indicative of something more. It’s really not the same.

However, jokes are still not proof of anything and if my boyfriend snooped on my phone I would be very angry. Trust is something you choose until someone gives you a reason not to. Once you start snooping, it’s gone.

Only on MN.
FFS.
😂😂😂

Speak for yourself.

That's horrible and YANBU.

However I don't believe the 'reply quick' thing for a minute

I'd only worry if he suddenly wanted to book a lads holiday to Amsterdam. I went with my DM and DD and I came home telling my hubby how fit the women were in the windows and he definitely would have had his chin on the floor and "something in his pocket" if he had seen them.
Your bf probably had a sneaky little shower wank too thinking of them, a lot of men would!!

I’m in the banter corner. I’ve also walked through this area with my DH - I think most tourists do as it’s not normal to see this in every day life - and yes, I found it really bizarre and distasteful. I can totally see men making the jokes like your OH did; a friend of mine made comments after bumping into a load of fit cowboys in Las Vegas; we laughed and moved on. We are married, not dead; other people are still attractive - it’s fantasy and only becomes an issue if people turn it into reality. I am very against cheating, but we all have imaginations! I think people get too offended over such things. Is prostitution bad for the women involved? Yes, I would imagine so, but it doesn’t stop us joking over such things occasionally, especially after being somewhere like Amsterdam.

Yea I'd be pissed off with mine and would have threw a fit 😂 but it is pretty obviously just a joke. That you weren't meant to see

Can’t believe everyone’s having a go at you here

id probably do the same if my partner was asleep and his phone wouldn’t stop going off, check to see if it’s urgent, it’s hardly snooping

joking about fit birds is banter, saying he’d have spent all his money on hookers if he went without you is out of order, whether it’s a joke or not

I would love to know what you think is unreasonable about what I've said.

When I was a student I worked for a local magazine (I'm not a journalist but was interested in journalism at the time). I was sent to shadow some volunteers at a local charity to write an article on them. The charity had a bus that would go out into the community to support homeless and struggling people, they would bring people onto the bus to give them warmth, food and someone to talk to. During the day they would allow men and women on but at night time it was only women because the majority were prostitutes and very vulnerable. I will never ever forget one woman who came on the bus that night. She must have been in her 50s and looked heavily pregnant, I soon discovered that she wasn't pregnant but had extremely advanced liver cancer. She was known to the charity volunteers as her partner, a woman who was also a prostitute, was also dying and didn't have long left. It was winter and they had no money for the electricity so this woman had returned to the streets to get some money to put the lights and heating on to make her partner a bit more comfortable. This woman was very visibly ill, she said that her stomach had put off some of her regular Johns and so she had only managed to get 2 that night and they refused to pay her much. The volunteers told me that they never gave money and would support the women in other ways, but this night and with this woman they made an exception as they knew that neither her or her partner had long left to live.

And so I will say again, it would make me sick to my stomach to hear my partner joke about buying a woman's body.

Its just banter.
But you are upset. Its hurt you badly.
I felt betrayed when mine went to Amsterdam on a friends Stag. I had to suck it up and live with it .I will never know what Amsterdam is really all about for men. F* Amsterdam.

I'd dump him for referring to women as "birds" alone.

This. Even the "fit birds" show what kind of man he is.

It boils down to this... you shouldn't have read his messages. If you thought it might be urgent you should have woken him up.

If my Husband read some of my messages to my girlfriends about celebs we find attractive/people at work we like the look of etc, he'd probably not feel amazing, but they are private conversations with friends where we are having a laugh and they're nothing to do with him.

To me he sounds like a light hearted conversation with a mate.

BTW I am personally very against paying for sex- but this just sounds like a throwaway comment.

Yeah if it were just to banter about the couple’s Amsterdam trip, why would he ask for a quick reply?

He was (presumably) asking for quick reply about something else that he deemed important.

Instead of waking her partner and letting him know that someone was trying to get in touch urgently, OP took the "opportunity" to snoop read some other messages.

I would expect that kind of exchange between teenagers or men who were barely adults and a bit dopey with it. If it was my dp I’d be mortified. Unless I thought he might actually be serious of course.

Sounds like and excuse as to why the snooping happened at all