To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

[CallyT]

I'm technically neurotypical but would say I have some signs of being on the spectrum. My partner was diagnosed as a child. He has a great job and a couple of close friends and very close to family. I have lots of friends I socialize with and am also close to family.

My partner has a tendency, from time to time, to talk too much. On our first holiday recently I gently told him that I need quiet time as well. He respected this and either left me to read/do my own thing or sat with me quietly.

However when I recently introduced him to family all that seemed to go out the window. He dominated the conversation at least 60% of the time and when we came in from a long day where we had a lull before dinner, I settled down with a book only to find him talking the ear off my family again. It stressed me out because I just wanted to chill for that hour and I think my family did too but we're too polite to say.

Overall he did ask family thoughtful questions from things I told him so I feel there's room for improvement as they seemed to like him although the review was 'very chatty'. How do I bring this up without upsetting him?

You don't. That's his personality. How incredibly hurtful to tell your husband he's too much around your family.

Surely he's been ND since the day you met him? How has this suddenly become an issue?

Can't you go somewhere else for quiet time?

how long have you been with him?

what was he diagnosed with?

Perhaps it's how he was brought up? I'm NT and naturally quite introverted/happy to sit in silence but if I'm with others I do try to find things to say and to keep a conversation going as otherwise it's a bit awkward if you're sitting in silence with other people (other than your partner). That's how I was brought up. If you're with other people you chat to them.

I have a little hand signal I make to DH to let him know it's time to shut up for a bit when in company.

@ConsideringNC he's not my husband - we've been together about a year now. I'm not sure I agree. If I was visiting his family, I'd expect to yes be myself but also kind of fit in with their dynamics. My mother is also quite introverted as other family members although they enjoy a chat it's not a constant stream.

His diagnosis is Asperger's with suspected ADHD.

On our holiday was the calmest I've ever seen him. We had lots of lively conversations but also lots of relaxation time. Obviously life can't be like that all the time.

you only introduced him to your family very recently and been together a year?

Over-chattiness is often compensation for being shy or out of his comfort zone. He was probably trying to be nice. It may be that it calms down next time you see your family once he gets to know them a bit.

have your family spoken about the visit to you since then?

what’s he like with his family?
does he work?

@summeronion my mum said he was chatty, intelligent and that he seemed kind.

I haven't met his family yet, plan is to meet them later this year. They live in another country.

DH can be very dominating over family conversations and I just signal to him to shhh when he's getting too much. He doesn't read social cues at all from other people, never has. Our daughter was telling us all about the wedding she went to yesterday over brunch, and he kept trying to change the conversation to something he wanted to talk about, so I just put my finger to my lips.

and how local to your family are you?

and what did they think of him?

🚩!

Care to explain?

This would drive me crazy, and my family too - we have a relative who Never. Stops. Talking.
I seriously could not be with someone like this. Even if he's ND he should know when to shut up.

Leave him alone.
Perhaps he thinks you don't talk enough.

You won't change him anyway so accept him as he is or find someone else.

Honestly whinging cos someone dosent talk the right amount for you.
Hardly is he beating you, or cheating on you, or another horrendous thing he could be doing.
Talking lol.😂

You aren’t compatible. You may like or want the nice parts of him but you don’t like the chattery parts . Can’t have one without the other.

I think you can say something, just be kind and tactful and explain your family is like you are and need a little quiet time occasionally, but they appreciated how friendly he is.

DD (17) has ASD, in the past she would have been diagnosed with Asperger, it's now part of the ASD diagnosis.

Being chatty is part of her masking. If I find her chatty, it means the social situation is overwhelming her and she compensates with being too chatty.

We do make her aware if it, it's part of the agreement we have with her, based on what she works on with her therapist, and we also ensure that she has the freedom to drop the masking and is herself.

I would have an open conversation with your partner and try to find out if he is really a chatty person or if social situations are too much for him.

Agree. Wtaf?

you can always help him read the room as things occur, for example on your way back home from a long day explain you’re having a quiet rest and you suspect others might want a quiet rest too

It sounds like he was talkative, polite and engaging and from your updates, your mum seemed to like him.

Are you sure his behaviour doesn't make you feel a bit self-conscious and awkward?

Wow.

Imagine if a man had a "little hand signal" to shut his wife up in company.

Are you saying her boyfriend is incapable of learning anything?