To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

[CallyT]

I'm technically neurotypical but would say I have some signs of being on the spectrum. My partner was diagnosed as a child. He has a great job and a couple of close friends and very close to family. I have lots of friends I socialize with and am also close to family.

My partner has a tendency, from time to time, to talk too much. On our first holiday recently I gently told him that I need quiet time as well. He respected this and either left me to read/do my own thing or sat with me quietly.

However when I recently introduced him to family all that seemed to go out the window. He dominated the conversation at least 60% of the time and when we came in from a long day where we had a lull before dinner, I settled down with a book only to find him talking the ear off my family again. It stressed me out because I just wanted to chill for that hour and I think my family did too but we're too polite to say.

Overall he did ask family thoughtful questions from things I told him so I feel there's room for improvement as they seemed to like him although the review was 'very chatty'. How do I bring this up without upsetting him?

I think you’re being a bit mean and trying to change his personality. I personally can’t bear people who talk too much, I’m an introvert and find it incredibly draining. So I don’t spend time with people like that unless they’re family. If you don’t like it then you’re not compatible but don’t try to change him. Bringing this up could be very hurtful and cause him to become very self conscious around you.

but also kind of fit in with their dynamics.
you’re dating someone with autism, picking up on the dynamics is going to be a struggle for him, talking lots is probably a masking technique.

So are some posters saying if 1 person in a group wants to dominate the conversation, talk over everyone else/at people, the rest of the group should just say 'meh, that's who they are and we must embrace that' ?

Autism is primarily a social and communication disability so asking him to reign it in is like asking someone who uses a wheelchair but can manage a few steps to pick up the pace and is not ok. He isn't doing it on purpose and is a clear sign of his disability even if he doesn't appear 'disabled' to you 99% of the time.

The chat is either because he feels uncomfortable / overwhelmed and is filling the silence which should settle with time as he gets to know your family Or if it's on a specific topic like if you were at a museum it could be infodumping in which case I give DD a time limit and she has to stop at the end of it - there is only souch I can take on slime moulds/ igneous rocks/ oscillators. Although managing with partner isn't the same as parenting a child and teaching them social skills, but it sounds far more like the former so time is the answer.

I think most people would agree that conditions like autism need to be embraced and accommodated to some extent, yes.

Blah blah blah.

DH prefers a subtle hand signal than to embarrass himself by talking over others. It works for him.

When we first met he told me has Asperger's as a kind of warning but didn't expand on how it might affect us. I feel this is an example.

He has said previously he's open to adjusting but obviously I understand part of his condition is accommodating him.

@fieldsofbutterflies yes it did make me feel a bit self conscious. I think my mum did like him, but saying he was chatty and that he liked to talk about his interests (ie info drop) reinforced my own feelings that he dominated conversations with her.

I think it triggers the part of me that hates men speaking over women or dominating conversations with women which I experience often at work.

I probably won't visit you're family again

Maybe he will calm down a bit once he gets to know your family better and feels more relaxed around them.

What a stupid comment! Many ND people don't pick up on the social cues that others do!

Speaking about your special interests and lacking in social awareness is all part and parcel of having autism, though @CallyT. I say that as someone who is autistic themselves and who has a lot of ND family members (plus an ND husband).

However if his behaviour makes you feel self-conscious then I would maybe say it's not the relationship for you. He can't be expected to mask and change his behaviour all the time, it could make him really unwell long-term.

This behaviour is wearing and embarrassing. I would find a polite way to end the endless yattering, by making up an excuse to get him away from the victims!

Would you say 'even if he's in a wheelchair he should know when to walk'? No.... Because it's stupid and ignorant and obvious? Then people need to think and adjust their ignorance and attitude.

Fantastic comment

You can "blah blah blah" all you like, your post came across incredibly badly.

Exactly - but unfortunately there's still a massive amount of ignorance around when it comes to "invisible" conditions like autism.

Then let him go and be with someone who loves him as a whole person.

Agree with other posters, this is who he is, it’s extremely unfair to try and change him. If you don’t like it then he’s not the on for you.

He is open to adjustments but know that those adjustments come with an energy price.

DD can be fantastic and sociable, not info dumping, being mindful of everything she says or does - but she'll pay for it on the following days with a 'social hangover' and needs to be apart from people and have a very, very low stress environment.

Now sometimes there is a good reason for this, attending a wedding, important birthday event, graduation or a city trip to an event she wants to go to and she can 'suck it up' for that long because she has lower support needs BUT everything has to be carefully planned not just on the day but the days preceding and following it. She won't have a big emotional meltdown (or at least very rarely because everything is planned around that not happening) but she will shut down fairly regularly if things aren't managed appropriately and that is not a nice experience for her and it's worrying for those around her.

He has also joked that he's difficult to live with so he does seem aware of how it affects people.

I do love him as a whole person. But I am quite introverted and I get socially tired quite quickly. I have an emotional response of feeling overwhelmed when the chatter doesn't stop in these scenarios.

I'm pointing out again we did fine on holiday together. Not just fine, we had a wonderful time. So maybe posters are right that it's because he's nervous with my family.

YANBU - My dh is ND (diagnosis of adhd, non diagnosed autism) and I just tell him he's being too loud / too chatty / tell him to calm down. I find being direct is the best way!

Is it embarrassing him or embarrassing you though?

I also just want to say people that are saying there is a consequence to my partner if he does mask and try to fit in with my family, like a hangover...

There is a consequence to introverts like me and my family who feel emotionally drained by this behaviour.

I don't won't want him to transform, I want him to tone it down.

@StripedTomatoes not picking up on social cues is literally the bread and butter of what autism is.

Yes, sensory needs, a need for routine and 'fussiness' with food can come into it but primarily it is a SOCIAL and COMMUNICATION disability. People with autism struggle with their social and communication skills it's a massive part of the diagnosis criteria so suggesting autistic people should pick up on cues anyway is like saying a deaf person should just listen or a blind person should just see. In autism the literal wiring in the brain (that's the neurons in the neuro diversity) is different which it's why it is a disability not just poor manners.