To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

[CallyT]

I'm technically neurotypical but would say I have some signs of being on the spectrum. My partner was diagnosed as a child. He has a great job and a couple of close friends and very close to family. I have lots of friends I socialize with and am also close to family.

My partner has a tendency, from time to time, to talk too much. On our first holiday recently I gently told him that I need quiet time as well. He respected this and either left me to read/do my own thing or sat with me quietly.

However when I recently introduced him to family all that seemed to go out the window. He dominated the conversation at least 60% of the time and when we came in from a long day where we had a lull before dinner, I settled down with a book only to find him talking the ear off my family again. It stressed me out because I just wanted to chill for that hour and I think my family did too but we're too polite to say.

Overall he did ask family thoughtful questions from things I told him so I feel there's room for improvement as they seemed to like him although the review was 'very chatty'. How do I bring this up without upsetting him?

@fieldsofbutterflies we don't live together at the moment. We have our own homes. We talk every day and enjoy weekends together. It works well.

@Ooopms to be fair he just told me the condition. He has never explained how it affects him and his relationships in detail. I'm still not very clued up.

Isn't that the point, though?

He finds the silence uncomfortable because he's autistic and unable to read social cues, so he talks because he thinks that's the right thing to do, or because it makes him more comfortable, or because it's his way of masking.

He's not going to change - you can't make someone less autistic - so it's really either a case of accommodating it or ending the relationship.

You can't have it all your own way though he doesn't know your family .have :social batteries

if you want to rest after a day out you need to pre warn him how your family work
you are expecting him an autistic man to read a situation and understand your family dynamics that isn't fair.

@CallyT then if you're determined to give it a go, you need to set up expectations in advance and say "mum and dad are a bit like me and like to have a quiet hour with their crossword/book before dinner, maybe you could go and do X and we'll meet at the restaurant at 7"?

You can't expect him to read the situation and understand about social batteries unless you spell it out to him.

Well, did you or your mother spell that out to him? "We are having an hour of quiet time before dinner, we don't want to talk now"? Many people with ASCs simply view this as useful information. If your DP isn't one of them, or if you and your mother aren't capable of giving this kind of information, then there may be no way forward.

He might not have known. But you're also able to use Google and get some insight so it's not just his responsibility. But either way, the why doesn't matter, that you're incompatible does.

But also listen to all of us pointing out it's not a choice for him. You've signed up to someone who told you they had a social and communication disability. You want it or you don't. And not wanting it is fine.

Do you understand how insane what you're asking him to do sounds from reading our posts?

If I was visiting his family, I'd expect to yes be myself but also kind of fit in with their dynamics.

Did you explain your family dynamics ahead of time and that during the lull between activity and dinner there would be quiet time?

If not how do you expect him to know that's what was going on?

This. I hugely empathise. I am not autistic, nor do I have ADHD, but I have huge sensory sensitivities, so I find it all a bit much sometimes when my DH is quite intense!! It is draining being in a relationship with a person at times, regardless of the couples unique challenges... it must be difficult being with someone who commutes long hours or someone with complex medical needs etc...every person and couple are different. Communication is the key. Without communication relationships break down... Make sure you're open and honest and come up with a plan together for when you are feeling overwhelmed. My DH feels bad that he dominates conversations at times, because he longs for social acceptance and struggles with the fact that he is socially awkward. But we get through it. That's who he is and I love him for it 😊

A man did that to me once, he was on the phone but using his hands free to call a friend so i hadn’t noticed when I started talking in his car, but the way he did it and his accompanying face expression rubbed me up the wrong way and I went off him.

I think he generally thought i was too much and I called things off a few weeks later.

I'm not surprised you went off him, it's such an unpleasant way to treat someone.

Good for you for getting out of there.

@CallyT Is he open for you to inform your family about his diagnosis? Has he tried to work with a therapist? DD benefits enormously from seeing one and working on learning social cues and behaviour as these deficits impacted her to the point where she lost friends.

Also, I agree with telling him about the need to have quite time, he could also feel the need to recharge if being chatty is a form of masking.

DD just spent 4 days with our friends as DH and I needed to sort out a family emergency. Our friends now of DD's diagnosis and are happy to accomodate her by providing space for her and talking about what is happening.
She knows them since she is a toddler so she is comfortable there but I do know that on occassions she is masking.

Yeah you have to accept him as he is. You basically can't stand his personality. Get a divorce he deserves better

A year? Then you aren't right for him. Move on. Set him free.

Has he asked you to do this? If not that's fucking awful

Then that is a you problem and you should leave him

Is there meant to be something wrong with that?

I can’t actually remember how it started. It works for my DH though.

Split up and find someone else. Asking him to be someone to fit your needs is not really acceptable.
I say this as someone with ADHD. I can’t speak for him but I can be loud, annoying and extremely chatty. I am not like this on purpose, it’s just me.
I tried to change myself to please others and ended up having very poor mental health.

Yet another thread full of ableist replies that Mumsnet just lets run

@CallyT you don't love him for who he is, as this is who he is.

How would you feel having to fit in with a family who are loud and who talk over each other? You say you'd fit in with the families dynamic? From what you've said I doubt that very much.

A kind but direct conversation - 'I know you are trying really hard when with my family and you're super interesting they love you! The only thing I would say is to just make sure you listen to them until they finish speaking and let others reply some of the time so that everyone gets a turn to talk'

For me direct is good but with some positive as well

Thanks @HAF1119 I think I could try that.

People say we're incompatible but clear from thread title I came for ways to improve this so I'm not in splitting up mode yet. If it doesn't work that will be upsetting but I'd rather try first.

People tend to come to mumsnet with a specific issue but there's a lot of good in our relationship. @reluctantbrit I don't know if he's ever had therapy. He doesn't have a therapist now though. He's so interesting and sweet but I understand why he's lost friends and previous partner left him. Relationships are give and take.

My partner does this over chatty, talking over people thing. It's annoying at times...but I'm sure I am annoying at times too. You need to decide if it's a dealbreaker ( in which case, end things) or if his good points outweigh it. Don't spend your time criticising him and trying to change him, because it won't work and you'll end up hating each other.

I’m ND and I do see both sides of the coin.
You want your partner to fit in with your family and friends. That’s not important to some people but it is to others. I think you may just be incompatible.

If he was doing something outrageously rude for example I would say you can work through it, but this isn’t something that necessarily needs to be changed. It just isn’t to your taste.

My voice can be a bit “too quiet” but then can be “too loud” I have a friend who commented on how loud I was being in a restaurant and I remember feeling so self conscious after that.

But now a few years on if someone said that I’d be like yeah I can be a bit loud. So? Bear in mind I wasn’t shouting and hollering from the table or anything or talking about anything that required privacy. And it was hardly a quiet restaurant - even without me talking!

I was just maybe a couple of notches louder than her so I deviated from her norm and for some reason she found that worth commenting on. I work at hard at overcoming a lot of things to do with being ND such as not forgetting important dates and making sure I’m not late. But I’m not going to put in the effort for every single thing someone has an issue with. I do enough masking as it is.

I agree with this. As an autistic person myself I would appreciate my OH saying something like that straight out to me because I do not get hints. You could try something like "We like to have an hour of quiet time before dinner, can I get you a book or a charger for your phone?" or whatever it is that your family normally do at that time. Speaking for myself only, I have had to learn how to act in every new social group i have been in - new job, inlaws, school parents groups etc. It is stressful for me and takes time. From what you have said of his attempts to adjust on your holiday it does sound like he is trying!
DH is very, very chatty. He has ADHD. I'm autistic and need a lot of quiet time. We both have disabilities and sometimes our needs clash. We deal with it by compromising. We can be quite blunt with each other, I'm sure NT folks would think we are very harsh with each other, but it works for us and our relationship is very strong.

Having said all that, you don't HAVE to compromise. If you don't want to accept this will be part of your life with him, you can walk away, there's no shame in it.

I'm autistic. If I were in your partners place I'd appreciate being told that people in your family need quiet time at such and such times (examples) and chatting is too much at those times. Similarly, if they pull out a book, that is a signal to him that they want to stop talking now.