To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

[CallyT]

I'm technically neurotypical but would say I have some signs of being on the spectrum. My partner was diagnosed as a child. He has a great job and a couple of close friends and very close to family. I have lots of friends I socialize with and am also close to family.

My partner has a tendency, from time to time, to talk too much. On our first holiday recently I gently told him that I need quiet time as well. He respected this and either left me to read/do my own thing or sat with me quietly.

However when I recently introduced him to family all that seemed to go out the window. He dominated the conversation at least 60% of the time and when we came in from a long day where we had a lull before dinner, I settled down with a book only to find him talking the ear off my family again. It stressed me out because I just wanted to chill for that hour and I think my family did too but we're too polite to say.

Overall he did ask family thoughtful questions from things I told him so I feel there's room for improvement as they seemed to like him although the review was 'very chatty'. How do I bring this up without upsetting him?

YANBU

He would rather you have a gentle word with him about letting people speak and perhaps coming up with a code word for if he’s talking too much.

Say that you (and they) love how chatty he is because it puts them at ease (which it probably does) but that it’s ok to let others speak too.

I have worked with ND kids for many years and they aren’t just allowed to talk constantly, else it would be absolute madness.
We practice listening to others because that’s part of having a conversation.

When you’re an adult it’s difficult to know whether you talk too much or not and so it’s really helpful to have someone to help you.

I am the opposite and often will give 1 word answers and people will joke with me that it’s like getting blood out of a stone.

I don’t find this offensive, as it just reminds me that I need to make an effort and elaborate more to have a ‘normal’ conversation.
So perhaps you could tell him in a jokey way if that’s his personality.

It's a tricky one. Personally, I think ND people need partners who understand them from the start otherwise the relationship will just damage both people. I'm autistic and also have ADHD. I used to talk a lot as a child, but I was shut down and even told to shut up so often that I developed extreme anxiety around speaking to people. I'm pretty much mute around anyone who isn't a close friend now.

So, I'm probably biased, but I don't think it is right to ask someone to change an aspect of their personality just because you don't like it. If it is going to be an issue for you, you are free to end the relationship.

My autism tends towards the introvert, not talking variety (unless I’ve had a couple of drinks), my husband’s is more the never shuts up type. When I get home from work or a social event, I need a period of quiet, and preferably solitude, to recharge.

When we first moved in together I had to tell him that I just couldn’t deal with his brain dump as soon as I walked in through the door. We agreed that I’d get at least half an hour to decompress after which he could give me the daily debrief. We’ve been living together for 25 years now. I still need regular periods of alone time. He still needs to regularly info dump on me. It doesn’t mean we’re not compatible, it just means we needed to talk about it, to agree how both our needs could be met.

It's not his responsibility to educate you about autism or adhd.

If you wanted to know him you could ask him, you could also use Google.

We’ll agree to disagree . @OoopmsMy assumption is based on the fact that when the OP explained that she needed quiet time on holiday, he easily accommodated this request.

And he may even be relieved to hear this!

i talk too much always have i hate sitting in silence with other people makes me anxious

my inlaw will sit there reading newpapers in completely silence drives me mad

Then you understand nothing of the fluctuations of neurodiversity.

My DP is ND, and can be very loud. Sometimes, I give him a nudge and say about using his 'inside voice'.
The ironic thing is, he can't stand other people talking loudly.

Having episodes of hyperverbal language is less accepted than having episodes of verbal shut downs, but both are responses to regulate our nervous systems.

Being autistic means we very likely have sensory issues too whether we're seeking them or avoiding them, but we can talk a lot because we need to be able to regulate, but also find it very hard to cope with the noises of others.

He can not help it.

It doesn't matter that he managed to do it on holiday, in a completely different environment where he might have managed to regulate himself better.

He can't manage in the situation he was put in with OPs family, and if OP is serious about this relationship she would learn about autism and the many ways it's a disability even if the person with autism themselves doesn't consider themselves to be disabled because it's often the situations we end up in that are disabling. Being expected to shut up when everything in your body is telling you talk is pretty disabling and not very tolerant, never mind accepting.

My daughter is the same. She has always had sensory issues in relation to noise but when she was being noisy she was ok. But she went from wearing ear defenders pretty much constantly to now enjoying a music gig. Other times she still can't deal with too many people talking loudly.

It really is not their fault (not that I'm suggesting you meant otherwise!), it's just the way it is.

I think part of the problem generally is, if it was your child you would learn and empathise. When it is an adult partner people are less likely to feel that way, they may just find it irritating.

Autism is something that is part of a person, it's not going anywhere and everyone is an individual. Depending on where you are on the spectrum is an indicator of how you will cope with being able to learn our man made societal expectations. It's up to anyone to decide certain things are a deal breaker for them, but for anyone reading this comment - please do not ever make someone feel bad for something they can't help.

@Hermittrismegistus @fieldsofbutterflies

The hand signal thing. Brilliant idea. I may suggest that to DP so that I know when to rein it in as I can infodump and over talk or dominate the conversation alot and sometimes it's exhausting worrying if I am doing this so a simple signal for DP to gently tell me would be great! And yes I am a woman.

I have a couple as friends where it’s the wife who is autistic and this is what she and her DH agreed to do. He just gives a little hand signal as a cue. It works well for them.

For gods sake. You don’t know him. Yes he may be unable to stop talking. BUT, it may just be he is unable to stop talking in group social situations and if you tell him the book and puzzle are a sign it’s not a social situation, he goes AH THANK GOD I can sit in silence too now. And the op agrees to add a verbal signposting to help him recognise that and they are all happy.

good luck op!!

Yes and no. No ASD person is the same so Google will be just a disaster because it may tell you 5 things and nothing will fit your person's triggers or clues.

Obviously asking is correct and you learn by observation but on the other hand I do expect DD to be open enough to talk about it herself and not let close people second guess how she reacts to certain situation.

That did end very badly once because a friend had no clue about something, she knew DD has ASD but not what exactly it means for her.

My husband is ND he is very loud, i have autism and have to stick my hands over my ears to cope sometimes.

You can't change a trait just like that. It takes years. And why would you want to change him?

It isn't his responsibility to educate her about autism though.

Sure, he might be able to tell her what he knows about how autism affects him, but even he might not be aware that he'd hyperverbal because he's anxious or dysregulated, especially in the moment because of a fun little quirk called alexithymia.

Placing the burden of educating on the autistic person is an additional stress which just leads to more dysregulation.

They aren't compatible despite OP swearing it's this one little issue which is actually a big issue.

I do hope your DD can advocate for herself as I'm sure you do, but it's also not her responsibility to educate people either.

I’m finding some of the responses on this thread depressing, as it seems that some people write off others with disabilities. When someone uses a wheelchair, for example, their family and medical team don’t give up on trying to improve their physical independence by strengthening their muscles through regular exercise and therapies. It’s a lifelong process.

But it sounds as if some people write off autistic people as unable to learn new habits and behaviors that will ultimately make their lives easier and happier. Just leave them be and let them continue to struggle socially. 🙁

A lot of posts are from autistic people, myself included. No one is saying give up, we ARE saying we deserve acceptance as a lot of the things aren't changeable and there's nothing wrong with how we are. IF the bf wanted to change or adapt, that's fine and his choice but not everyone does have that choice. The example you gave is not what I've read into any post here

Honestly this isn't helpful. Some times people can dominate the conversation and miss the social clues to let her people engage. It's fine for people who struggle with this to get a cue from a trusted family member who loves them. The alternative of people avoiding them is far harder for them.

And what are you giving? As you've asked him to change on holiday, then are asking him to change when with family? So from
This point- all you do is take things away from him.
If you live together, will you ask him to give up another aspect of himself?

Why don't you give your family a warning of what to expect and they adapt to him until he knows them better. That's you giving him room and time to get comfortable.

In all honesty- he deserves better, he is ND, you are just introverted in your own words. You should be able to adjust much more readily than him.

Leave him for someone who will love him and not afl him to change. Go find another introverted person to be silent with.

Well, two hours ago we just had a parent review with DD's therapist. One point was about how she communicates with others when things don't go as planned. And that it is fine to talk about being autistic and what it means for her (if she wants to, nobody is entitled to know about it) as it can make close social relations easier.

For us it's educating about autismus as the disability and then educating how it effects DD specifically. That's two very different things. As a partner (or parent) I can learn a lot about autism in general but only the person him/herself can tell me their specific issues.

That's why I asked if the OP's partner was or is in therapy. DD learnt a lot about how she behaves without even realising and how it impacts other. That doesn't mean she should change, it's raising awareness and knowing reactions.

@Crazycrazylady has a good point.

It's fine for people who struggle with this to get a cue from a trusted family member who loves them. The alternative of people avoiding them is far harder for them.

@Ooopms This is what I’m trying to say. You don’t give up on people who struggle with social situations, you try to help them navigate them. Some posters have been suggesting that autistic people shouldn’t be helped or guided- basically leave them to struggle throughout their lives.

One of my friends has a 10-year son who’s autistic and suffers from AFRID.

His doctor is seriously worried about his vitamin deficiencies. His family is actively trying to encourage him to broaden his eating habits and of course, he’s taking vitamins.

Is giving up on an autistic person who’s struggling with social situations, because “ that’s the way they are” the best approach?

Sounds like nerves.

OP I think trying to teach your partner some tricks and signals to help him adjust his behaviour in these settings (assuming he wants to) in order to continue your relationships, is a good plan.

Such adjustments are exactly what children with ASD in mainstream schools are taught, so they can better integrate, get on socially, have happy relationships.

Nothing wrong with taking feedback to make behaviour adjustments for any of us, at any stage of life!