To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

[CallyT]

I'm technically neurotypical but would say I have some signs of being on the spectrum. My partner was diagnosed as a child. He has a great job and a couple of close friends and very close to family. I have lots of friends I socialize with and am also close to family.

My partner has a tendency, from time to time, to talk too much. On our first holiday recently I gently told him that I need quiet time as well. He respected this and either left me to read/do my own thing or sat with me quietly.

However when I recently introduced him to family all that seemed to go out the window. He dominated the conversation at least 60% of the time and when we came in from a long day where we had a lull before dinner, I settled down with a book only to find him talking the ear off my family again. It stressed me out because I just wanted to chill for that hour and I think my family did too but we're too polite to say.

Overall he did ask family thoughtful questions from things I told him so I feel there's room for improvement as they seemed to like him although the review was 'very chatty'. How do I bring this up without upsetting him?

Thanks @OpalCitrine3 and the other PPs who asked if we told him we need quiet time

Answer is no because I didn't realize he was going to be quite so chatty. But he has said in the past I need to be direct with what I want so that is something I need to work on.

To @HalebiHabibti I think I will say this next time. In the scenario I mention my mum had her puzzle book out and I had my actual book but he kept talking. I think I'll have the chat and then remind him

We are in a happy and loving relationship. I want to learn and he wants directness about expected dynamics. It's surely a long and lonely life if even small adjustments are just 'incompatbility'.

You're not listening at all, so I wish him the best of luck with yet another person who can't accept him for exactly who he is and is only OK with him if he changes.

Let me tell you, it damages someone more than I can tell you

@CallyT

In the scenario I mention my mum had her puzzle book out and I had my actual book but he kept talking. I think I'll have the chat and then remind him

He would not have understood that you actually meant you want to read in peace.
He needs to have this spelt out in "I would like to read now, can we find you something to do?

You perfectly understood that you meant "I have my book, I want to read" but autistic people most likely won't because they don't understand the underlying meaning.

This relationship isn't going to work.

This is who he is and he told you that when you first met.

Imaging you've got to talk non- stop all day, every day,for ever.

You're basically asking him to do something that he's not capable of long term.

That's how his brain functions.

@Ooopms two autistic people have just came on and given their personal advice for the situation.

Are you saying they are wrong?

It clearly isn't @itsmylife7 because he didn't talk non stop when we were on holiday

But we did with my family

In the scenario I mention my mum had her puzzle book out and I had my actual book but he kept talking.

Lots of autistic people find it difficult when situations change very suddenly - he may find it hard to go from "lots of chatting" to "sitting in silence", especially if that change wasn't explained to him beforehand.

So, spell it out to him. "Mum and dad want a quiet hour to themselves before dinner, so why don't you go off and do X and meet us at the restaurant at seven?"

The best thing to do is talk about it with your partner. My DH is ND and struggles with social situations so over the years we have talked about how he feels he might need support and I help him with that. The important thing is that it is lead by him so he doesn't feel pressure to be anyone other then himself.

As a slight segue, I'm intrigued by the suggestion that my partner must accept me exactly as I am and is a horrible nasty person if he doesn't. I couldn't clean, or really cook, or deal with arguments in any way other than screaming fury when we first got together. We've both evolved a lot over the years and I in particular have come a bloody long way. I find it frankly offensive to imply that ND people aren't capable of at least trying to change their behaviour. My son is autistic too and I encourage him to at least try to learn new social skills every day - I'd be a terrible mother if I said "Oh never mind them darling, they must accept you exactly as you are." That's a stupid way to behave imo.

Thanks @fieldsofbutterflies that's good advice. He was also dreading going to a social function this weekend because he just wanted quiet time so he clearly doesn't actually always want to be talking either.

He managed to stay quiet for your holiday period but he's proven he can't do this all the time.

I've got family members like him. The difference is we can say "stop bloody talking " and they accept this without arguments.

Your brain is wired as it is and his brain is wired as it is.

Good luck if you think a therapist is going to sort out his brain.

No, they're saying what works for them.

I'm saying from your posts that you're only replying positively to the ones who suggest he can change and not the plenty of posters who highlight that it is part of him and not a choice. That masking comes at a cost. That telling someone you say you love is only acceptable to you and your family if he changes. Perhaps you're the one that needs to change?

I'm saying asking him to change for you is like asking someone in a wheelchair to get up.

If you've spoken to one autistic person, you've spoken to one autistic person. You started a thread for opinions and you've got them. You could also Google... Like you could have at any point in the last year... As a way of showing how much you care for him, to find out more.

Being told you're OK only as long as you fit a mould is extremely damaging. Love is acceptance.

Signed
Also an autistic person... Unless you're telling me I'm wrong? Tongue firmly in cheek.

There's a huge difference between "screaming fury" and someone who just talks a bit too much, though 😬

It's very common for autistic people to over-compensate in social situations - it's a form of masking and something I'm definitely guilty of.

Small talk is seen as being sociable and "normal" whereas sitting in silence is often seen as being rude. If he struggles with small talk and doesn't feel comfortable in silence, he may be chattering away because he feels it's better than the alternative.

@HalebiHabibti In my experience the issues around changing only occur when there is an issue with whether the change can happen or is something that is a part of their ND. It can be offensive when ND people are immediately felt to be unable to learn social situations but conversely there are ND people who can't change and they need those accommodations to be available to them so they need to be available to all ND people so those in need don't have to fight for them in an already difficult world.

My DH and DD are poles apart in terms of care needs. He rarely needs accommodations but she always will. But when he does need them they are there without him having to fight for them at a point where he is already overwhelmed.

TBF fieldsofbutterflies I also talked way too much (still do a bit) because my similarly autistic mother told me you Must Make Conversation and I feel her shouting at me in my head when I don't 😳

Seriously though, I've noticed a growing "accept me exactly as I am or fuck off" mentality across a lot of social media, be it in autism or body shape or gender. I am distrustful of it as I think it has the potential to be a selfish and self-limiting way to live.

I do think OP owes her partner the courtesy of clear communication and the respect of believing him to be capable of understanding it. He may not be able to, or want to, change his behaviour. But he absolutely deserves the chance to decide that for himself.

I think the last sentence is one of the most relevant on this thread 👏🏻

When you say "improve this" does this also cover adjusting your behaviour to this situation as an option?

Yes, I do agree with you there.

Nobody has to be accepted no matter what, but equally there does need to be some level of understanding towards neurodiversity and how ND individuals may want to change but may need extra support in order for that to happen.

You've said it much more succinctly than me 😂 for which thank you!

OP, you don’t tell him to be something he’s not (ie NT); you explain to your parents/family that the person you are seeing, that you love, that makes you happy is ND. The way this can manifest when he is stressed and/or in new situations (like meeting them ) is …[insert data here]… but you know that because they love you they will try to make him feel safe and not take offence if he says/does something that seems odd.

The end.

Well you don't have a clue, do you?

Don't be with someone if you don't like who they are, but to say ND people 'should know' automatically how deal with social situations a ridiculous comment. I myself could never have a relationship with someone so ignorant.

OP he was likely nervous as it was the first time and it made him forget about what you'd spoken about before. He took it well before and compromised so I think he'll be ok letting him know your family are the same as you, they thought very highly of him and it's not a criticism of him.

My daughter is 20 and I still remind her that sometimes every needs a bit of quiet, she is also very, very chatty!

But ultimately this is who he is, it's not fair to try change him but very reasonable to expect to work together to find a middle ground that suits you both, the same as all relationships.

He might've just been over excited and/or anxious. He doesn't know your parents so he will find it harder to pick up on social cues and expectations that is the norm for your family.
I think you just need to be more direct and open, yet do it in a respectful and kind way. You'll know for next time. For example saying 'everyone is really tired after the event. My dad usually has a nap, my mum usually does a crossword, so we need to just give them that quiet time before we come together for dinner. I'm looking forward to reading my book in peace for half an hour'.

There's a whole couple of threads in Relationships on how to cope with a partner who is ND or similar, might be worth a read to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.

You’re incompatible. You expect him to mask around you and you’re family and that is exhausting and ultimately breeds resentment.

Equally you deserve a relationship that doesn’t involve you needing to manage your partners behaviour, and where you don’t feel embarrassed if your other half.