To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

[CallyT]

I'm technically neurotypical but would say I have some signs of being on the spectrum. My partner was diagnosed as a child. He has a great job and a couple of close friends and very close to family. I have lots of friends I socialize with and am also close to family.

My partner has a tendency, from time to time, to talk too much. On our first holiday recently I gently told him that I need quiet time as well. He respected this and either left me to read/do my own thing or sat with me quietly.

However when I recently introduced him to family all that seemed to go out the window. He dominated the conversation at least 60% of the time and when we came in from a long day where we had a lull before dinner, I settled down with a book only to find him talking the ear off my family again. It stressed me out because I just wanted to chill for that hour and I think my family did too but we're too polite to say.

Overall he did ask family thoughtful questions from things I told him so I feel there's room for improvement as they seemed to like him although the review was 'very chatty'. How do I bring this up without upsetting him?

He has also joked that he's difficult to live with so he does seem aware of how it affects people.

Sadly, a lot of autistic people feel this way because the general narrative is still that autistic people lack empathy, or are selfish, or are robots etc. When that's all you read in the media (and on forums like this) it starts to stick.

It's also worth noting that while he may be aware of his behaviour, it still might not be possible for him to change it.

He has also joked that he's difficult to live with so he does seem aware of how it affects people.

This awareness suggests that he can modify his behavior if he’s gently encouraged to do so.

But, as a fellow introvert, I don’t think you two sound compatible, tbh. It’s great for him as he has a quieter person to talk at, but you’ll get worn down. I couldn’t stand it either.

If someone is completely dominating the conversation, I’d prefer someone gave them a hand signal! Nothing worse than being talked at/over! Who cares if it’s a man or woman doing it?!

But isn't that essentially asking him to change who he is, for good, to accommodate your needs?

I would bet good money that if a woman came on here saying her husband had made up a hand signal to get her to "tone it down" around his mates, she would be told to get her ducks in a row and LTB for being an abusive wanker.

That would give me the ick. Can't stand it when adults do this.

Agree, while yes we must all make a accommodations for people's needs, should someone be told 'right, you'll never get to play a part in any conversation, accept you'll always be talked AT, and your partner will never actually want to listen to you'?

If you can't handle someone's neuro-diversities then don't be their partner.

Well, then I’d have to disagree with them. I don’t want to listen to someone going on and on…be that man or woman! 🤷🏼‍♀️and, of course, it’s MN, so a man would definitely be in the wrong!

Why don't you understand that's the same thing? It's a disability, not a choice. And it fluctuates. You are able to love that all of the time - though no one is saying you have to like it - or you aren't, in which case he isn't the right person for you and that's no one's fault

I also have a feeling his dad gets fed up with it from a story he told me the other day. So I reckon it's not just me.

He has many great qualities and our recent holiday just us was bliss. But I can't just keep it me and him living in a desert island - I have friends and family who I love and the thought of not being able to socialize with them without me struggling isn't great.

So your boyfriend has possibly 2 conditions that affect him but you want him to fit in with your family and just shush ?

Where do you see this relationship going if you can't or won't help him when he gets a bit much because he obviously doesn't know and thinks everything is .going great.

It literally suggests nothing of the sort.

Yeah... Those disabled adults.... Ick

Wtaf jfc

You find him emotionally draining. You’re so wrong for each other.

Well @Mrsjayy I don't know how to help him. If he wanted my help I would.

Part of the issue I see is that he told me has the condition at the start of dating. He was scared to tell me but I could tell anyway.

The issue now is that the way it affects the relationship go unrecognized. He never talks about his condition or how it has affected his relationships. I know it has lead to a loss of some friendships and people stopped inviting him places.

I don’t like when people speak over people etc, but I don’t understand why you and your family’s need to be introverted, trump his need to speak. There’s nothing worse IMO than going out to a restaurant with a group and they just don’t speak. It’s very awkward. Maybe he’s just filling uncomfortable silences that your family are fine with.

either way, I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong - you just aren’t compatible.

@TipsyKoala I don't find him emotionally draining as a rule.

It's when he talks non stop without giving others a chance to contribute. Or when I'm particularly tired after a long day of socializing. Most of the time I feel happy with him.

"Fitting in with other people's dynamics" is not how I'd expect someone with an ASC to operate unless they are given very concrete instructions and possibly signals on the spot. As a pp said upthread, he's not going to be able to read the room and just "pick up" the dynamics.

So either your family are going to have to speak up or they're going to have to put up with it. Maybe they don't mind, maybe as long as he doesn't have to spend too much time around them it'll be OK. From what you've said they recognise his good qualities and no-one is perfect. But in the end it will be down to you to decide. But be very clear about one thing: you aren't going to change how he is naturally around other people.

I think it triggers the part of me that hates men speaking over women or dominating conversations with women which I experience often at work.

And yet you picked a man for whom this behaviour comes naturally? I guess some of the time his chattiness is useful because it lets you stay inside your shell? But in the long run this dymaic might not work for you.

I don't won't want him to transform, I want him to tone it down.

And the difference is... ?

Maybe he’s just filling uncomfortable silences that your family are fine with.

Maybe no-one else thinks the silence is uncomfortable and what actually makes them uncomfortable is people who talk endlessly.

Honestly he's maybe not the guy for you.

I am not having a dig at or anything but can you see a future with him being the way he is and you are not able to tolerate his ways.

But it's not a choice for him? Why are you finding it so difficult to understand? He was up front. You now don't like how it effects him. You don't have to stay together. But you also don't get to pick and choose now you like how he is. Would you ask someone in a wheelchair to get up? To tone down the squeak of their chair cause it's annoying?

@Quittingwifework for some context:

We as a family had just come in from a day at a festival. Social batteries were low and we had an hour to unwind before dinner. We usually do our own thing, read a book etc.

At the actual restaurant we chatted no problem but I really needed that one hour between to decompress. I didn't get it because he never stopped talking. My mum was trying to do her word puzzles and he kept talking to her the whole time.

If you're already having this many doubts after a year of dating, then I think you need to accept that you're not very compatible as a couple. Or at least, not as a couple that lives together in the traditional sense.

So don't be with him and have your peace?