To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

YABU

I don’t find her messages rude at all but I think your replies on this thread are mostly rude.

Oh my you sound awful, my daughter wouldn't be coming. They're 6, it's still quite usual to stay with them at a party at this stage. Your text was so rude I wouldn't be surprised if you never hear back from the mum. You have terrible manners. I also think it's unsafe looking after so many kids yourself.

I'm Australian (and live in the UK) and I find the OP's texts to be quite abrupt. Not sure if Australian and NZ cultural expectations are closer than UK-NZ but I suspect so.

But.... the OP may find that alot of the parents just assume they are staying. At that age from memory more than half the parents would stay as routine without even asking me and some would drop and run. I usually was just pleased that I had adult company TBH.

Although tell me OP- are you having fairy bread? I feel I am on a (failing) one woman quest to convert the UK to the joys of fairy bread. It's just not working.

Thank you @pictoosh

I must admit I did feel very seen when some posters correctly diagnosed me as defensive and combative but have generally enjoyed all the replies. Feedback is a gift 🤣

We will definitely be having fairy bread!!!! I canvassed this with DD yesterdays Is it not a thing in the UK?? Barbaric

NSPCC recommends one adult to six to care for this age group: https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/briefings/recommended-adult-child-ratios-working-with-children#:~:text=We%20recommend%20the%20following%20adult,one%20adult%20to%20six%20children

They're 6. I have a 6YO and if I've never been to your house or even had a conversation or two face to face with you...Then I wouldn't leave my DC unattended I think YABU

@Sometimeswinning

You are obviously taking this thread personally but there is no need to make a snide comment about a smaller party.

Yet ops comments that children with additional needs can just not come? Snide comments or not the op attitude is common and kids with additional needs are excluded from so much of life. It's reasonable to be offended at op attitude and if you can't see that maybe have a think

I wouldn’t want to supervise 15 six year old girls on my own for 3 hours and if I arrived with my child at a party where this was going to be the situation I’d definitely be worried for her and doubt the sanity of the host in thinking she could take care of them all by herself .
I don’t have an issue with the parent asking about arrangements or with the OP’s response to her but I do think she’s utterly wrong in thinking she can control this number of children on her own whilst supervising games, food, toileting issues etc 3 hours is an awful long time!
Allowing parents to stay means they can do their bit to help but unless the OP is superwoman with several pairs of hands, eyes in the back of her head and can be in more than one place at the same time then irrespective of whether parents stay or not she needs at least one other person to help her who knows what’s planned, where the toilet is etc..

luckily I am not working with children. I am a lawyer, did you know? I mentioned it earlier

No! The utter horror my fairy bread has always been met with, by parents and children alike! My Dcs are both dual citizens and the fairy bread gene appears to be missing. It's quite distressing. I make it for myself now.

I’m with you OP. The norm where I am in the U.K. is drop and run after reception age so 4-5 years. Last year I hosted 15 girls for DD turning 7 birthday. One mum insisted on staying and I should have had more balls and said no, but I didn’t. It was awful. She literally stood in the doorway the entire time. Got in the way, I felt I had to host and chat to her but after about an hour I’d completely had enough. She didn’t help. She did nothing just stood and watched from the doorway. The kid was fine. I was not fine, I was trying to host a kids party with a large woman blocking the doorway (yes I asked her to move and/or sit down but she continued to stand there)

Kid will not be invited to another party

is this a wind up??🤣🤣🤣

I’m a high flying corporate lawyer too, no way this could be serious

I don't think the other mother's texts were rude at all. Do you think everyone is agreeing with you? You sound like really hard work!

You are being extremely unreasonable. Six is too young to be left at a strange house with strange people.

this made me literally lol 🤣 Why did she lurk in the doorway? Was she trying to secure the exit????

This makes zero sense. You are the one getting your back up about a really innocuous message from another parent, who hasn't even really been particularly direct, but have admitted yourself that if she'd tarted her message up with loads of fluff to make it sound more friendly then you'd definitely have let her stay with her child. You also didn't like being "interrogated" (read: politely asked) about what her child would be doing in the house of someone she doesn't know, which is very reasonable. It doesn't seem like you value directness at all.

The kids are 6. Although she attends after school club (with her friends and run by professionals who are known to her mother), she may not be used to spending time with strangers. Mum might be very nervous about it, hence - politely - asking what the plan was. And to be honest, if you'd been honest that it was 15 kids with you as the only supervising adult, she may well have decided that was unsafe and declined the invite anyway. I wouldn't allow my young child to attend a party with inadequate supervision and perhaps this mother is aware you can't assume that other people have the same ideas about basic safety as you yourself, hence the need to enquire. There are endless reasons why a 6 year old might want their mum with them, or their mum may prefer not to leave them. It's hardly difficult to imagine.

To coin a MN phrase, you sound like very hard work.

I really do think you need at least two adults to host a party of kids. All you need is for one of them to vomit and there will be chaos. You'll be trying to clean that kid and stop the rest from tracking the vomit through the hoise. A least a couple more of them will be threatening to be sick, a group will get bored and go and open all the presents and another group will decide a food fight will be fun.

I definitely don’t think everyone is agreeing with me 🤣

I hosted a party at home for my 8yo recently. 5 parents asked me about 'the plan' (not necessarily using those words, but the gist).

Turned out their child was their eldest/only and none of their children nor the parents when they were young had ever been to an 'at home' party before - they didn't know there would be party games/organised fun or food for example!

I was shocked, but I'm 37 and one of the older parents so I was pretty used to it from my 90s childhood. Most of the parents in DS's class are younger than me and I wonder if it wasn't so common in the 00s.

A couple of the ones who asked aren't British either - they're from Portugal and France - so I did wonder if there were cultural differences too. And, tbf, my eldest has never been to a party at home and my youngest has only been to 1.

Maybe it was similar for Jemima's mum 🤷‍♀️

What you hiding in your home 👀👀👀👀

I think you’re supposed to be deeply afraid of having such charges leveled at you, and deeply wounded and shamed into self castigation if they are. You’re definitely not supposed to respond to someone with ‘yes, what about it?’ or ‘I’m fine with that’, because that just pisses them off more (which apparently is also something you should desperately want to avoid)

YABU. Most people don't leave their six year olds at a party. I don't see the issue with them staying. They could be very much wanted help.

Im in France. Parties are all drop and run here IME. My kids are 18+ now but I don't remember any party where we stayed from about 4 yo.

I foolishly mentioned my job earlier in a pathetic attempt to establish my credentials as an upstanding citizen and was told I must be cashed up with very little experience in parenting as I would always be working long hours