To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I think we will have to agree to disagree on this for reasons I’ve already articulated it. It could be a cultural thing. NZers would never normally be so direct. My (German) boyfriend wondered if she was German with the reference to “the plan”.

Your texts are fine, your house, your rules.

But your attitude towards her - calling her weird and rude - is very very very odd

So ....yes. You're unreasonable, rather unkind and not very nice

One of my dc could not have been left, she's autistic and has a form of seizures, school staff knew what to do and she didn't "look" disabled or "act" disabled to someone looking from a distance, we wouldn't have left her with a random parent at a party with large numbers of kids coming. Saying if she has additional needs don't come is pretty unfair!
You seem very stressed, perhaps a smaller party next year?

You might be glad of another pair of hands to help!!

All true probably. Just ask my ex husband 😂😂😂

Agreed. I was really nasty to call her that, OP. And while she’s not here to read it, it shows your character, and it isn’t pleasant.

This

I didn't read the mum's asking 'what the plan was' text as rude. I actuallu interpreted it as asking if it was a drop and run party or a parents stay party. Unless the invite specified that already? At that age level I found a fair bit of variation in expectation.. some hosts wanted the parents to stay and supervise.

Yabvu.

I’d think many of the parents may be expecting to stay and you’ll have a surprise on the day.

You know virtually nothing about this child and yet have chosen to exclude her (admitting essentially that you’d rather she didn’t come if she has additional needs) because you couldn’t simply let her mother sit on your sofa for an hour or two.

I’m genuinely not stressed about it, I have been doing kids parties single handedly for 9 years.

Some major cultural clashes going on in this thread.

I don’t think OP sounds rude, aggressive or stressed at all, but then I’m also from a culture where communicating directly, as OP is, entirely normal and doesn’t actually reflect a fraught emotional state. When living in the UK I had to be mindful of it though, because of it being perceived as ‘rudeness’.

It seems you were either supposed to accept her being there and silently seethe because you didn’t want to but felt you had to, or say no whilst begging forgiveness for doing so (although you’d likely still be considered wrong). Ime a woman that’s perfectly comfortable with saying no is in theory something to be encouraged, but in practice is viewed with suspicion if not hostility.

She asked, you said no, she accepted that and the invitation. All sorted.

This - mums who want to stay at a 6 year olds party (and let’s face it most would find this hell) are usually the mums who would also be prepared to help out - you just lost yourself an extra pair of hands

I am ok with that

I think so! isn’t it interesting. Both the UK/NZ difference re drop & run parties - clearly quite different- and the extent to which directness is considered rude.

It’s v possible that the mum wanted to find out what’s happening as one or both of them is anxious, likewise her motivation to stay.

You can of course say no to her staying..

But def try not to be upset with/by the mum. She doesn’t know you and so how she’s being will not be the result of a judgement on you.

Having kids is stressful/can encourage different behaviour, def worth giving everyone a break, especially yourself.

Happy birthday to your dd!

I think you’re behaving very weirdly-she just asked the plan and if she can stay, as she also doesn’t know you!! You don’t have to “host” her. Most likely she will help out, and what if you had an emergency - I wouldn’t want to leave my kid at a party with only 1 adult there. If one of the kids had a medical issue or accident, you need another adult there.

You sound fine to me. I would find her questions irritating too. Good for you for setting boundaries. And I admire your party confidence; I hated the damn things and hosted every year with my husband!

She doesn’t seem in the least bit stressed. If anything posters not hosting the party seem very stressed and panicked about the whole thing!

You are obviously taking this thread personally but there is no need to make a snide comment about a smaller party.

@Endoftheroad12345 - reading the texts as you have posted them, you come across as rude. You seem to have read far more into her messages than most of us have.
It’s totally fine for the mum to ask what the party entails - perhaps there are some things Jemima hates. I hated bouncy castles as a child and wouldn’t have wanted to go to a party that had that as the main entertainment.
And totally fine for to ask if she can stay and fine for you to say no.

I am not understanding why you being a parent is a child in the same class or senior lawyer makes you more safe, sane or reliable than anyone else. Nor why that means you are not snorting lines between party games.
And before anyone jumps on me, I am responding to your comments that you mentioned that you are a senior lawyer and hardly a crack dealer.

It's a party for a 6 year old meaning many children in her class will still be 5. If I was leaving my 5 year old I would be asking these questions as well. It's her child she has every right to ask questions and ask if she can stay.

I’m in England and my ds is just turned 6. It’s normal here for parties to be drop offs. However, hosts always say that parents are welcome to stay if they prefer. I drop mine but some children still need more supervision at this age/ some are clingy, so those parents tend to hang around. So I don’t think it’s weird that Jemima’s mum wanted to stay. We are also in a small town with a close class, so beer/wine tends to be provided for parents staying, which I think only encourages more to stay 😂. I drop and run!

Someone mentioned Motherland earlier, I'm imagining OP as Julia - self absorbed, uptight and completely overwhelmed, winging it with a last minute party, it would be hilarious if lots of the parents stayed - did you write 'drop off' on the invites OP? 😂

Good point, lawyers can absolutely be crack dealers.

I like you too OP. Have enjoyed your responses on this thread. You've stuck to your perfectly reasonable guns and deflected the fear-mongering and goading nicely. You haven't been rude at all...but you have been quite funny.

This. I also think OP sounds offended at nothing.