To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

It was a perfectly reasonable question and she phrased it politely. Your phrasing, however, definitely verges on rude!

But OP believes that she is NOT being abrupt and direct, she thinks she is very polite as it is the norm in NZ 🤣

and thinks Jemima’s mum is German 🤣🤣

Yeah, this. Quite appalled by that comment tbh op.

This. Your reaction is very odd.

One parent asked to come to my house before a party, to check if it was safe. I was a bit offended that she thought there could be something to worry about but when my dd went to her house once I got a better understanding as to why.

Everyone sees life through a different lense/from a different framework of reference.

If you don't want her there just say no the invite is just for her daughter but you understand if her daughter doesn't want to come if she isn't confident going to parties yet.

Agree with this.
You were not rude.
She was "direct" and you were "direct" back.

I wouldn't leave a 6yo in a strange house in a group of 15 supervised by only 1 adult. Children that age can be very silly. What are you going to do if a couple of them let themselves out the front door and start walking off for example? Or if they are bouncing about the place and one smacks their head on something.

I have left my child at that age at an "at home" party before, but that was for 12 children, the couple in question were both teachers (CRB-checked and used to managing large groups of kids), they also had grandparents enlisted to help and I had visited their house before.

Because she wasn’t by any universal standard?

I would read that message as a polite one that clearly communicates that it’s a ‘no’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your house, your rules. Space is more often than not limited on someone's home. You were direct, assertive and clear OP, not rude. And if her daughter doesn't come, good, as there will be one six year old fewer bouncing off your walls! Don't give this another moment of your headspace.

I’m in NZ. Rural New Zealand, rather than suburban NZ. When my daughter turned 6, we had a whole class party with one of her classmates, so about 25 tamariki, and I’d say three-quarters of the parents stayed. When she turned 7, we invited 11 tamariki to our house, and I’d say about a quarter of the parents stayed. She didn’t have another party until she turned 9, and that time only two parents stayed. I’d say for six-year olds, it’s quite normal for parents to stay in NZ.

Yes, quite.

The questions about how will I deal with an emergency are wild. I am a single mother. I deal with children being sick, injuries etc routinely. Not sure how having Jemima’s mother is such a game changer in that scenario. I live in a residential neighbourhood with friendly neighbours on either side. my mum, exH and best friend within 5 minutes drive and a major children’s hospital also 5 minutes drive away. Rest assured I have a comprehensive safety plan for this major event

The questions really aren’t wild. From what you have written so far I’d be really about your judgement and would probably give it a swerve if it was my child attending. You seem to have no idea how pear shaped something can go if you are supervising 16x6yo (15 guests and your daughter) if something goes wrong. How does a major children’s hospital 5mins away help with this scenario? Let’s say a child has a major seizure or one does something ultra stupid and puts their arm through your window flinging themselves off the couch while you are in the kitchen getting food to bring out, or even a minor case of vomiting. You are confident you can administer emergency care to a child, while being on the phone to emergency services AND can wrangle 15 potentially hysterical guests at the same time because no matter how many times you tell them to go away they would not without another adult there making them. Where do they go anyway? Now you’ve got 15 unsupervised 6yo’s. It’s very different to being a single parent who knows their own children, you don’t know how other children will act in such a scenario. Maybe you will have a few fainter’s for good measure. I’m in awe of you because, even after working in A&E for decades I don’t have your level of confidence in this scenario. Even usually sensible kids can go bananas when in ‘party mode’.

The comment about good neighbours is odd. Why/how is this relevant? Are other parents aware that if necessary your plan is to pop a kid in the car to personally take them to hospital and leave everyone else with a neighbour (who for all they know could be Jack/Jill the Ripper), while your mum or sister drives over to take over🥴. As a parent, I’d not be happy with that.

Even if you got your mum or sister over at this point, I’d think the fact you needed everyone to point all this out in order to (begrudgingly) do it, wouldn’t instil me with confidence with your judgement, risk assessment and supervision of a large group of children that age, and some other ‘exciting plans’ involving my child would suddenly come up so they were not disappointed missing out on such a party.

there is nothing wrong with being German! Great bread and beer and very tall attractive men

Age 6 clown or fairy would have made a big difference to my son as he hated clowns. Just saw she's coming so that's good

Why do you keep mentioning that you don't want to "supervise" another adult at the party? Last time I was "supervised" by anyone was university exams. No mother staying at a party needs to be supervised or entertained. They are there because their child needs/wants them to stay and they tend to always help out.

You really will need another pair of hands with 15 girls on your hands.

Where I live it’s quite normal for parents to stay at a 6 year olds party and they wouldn’t ask before hand. Your annoyance at this is bizarre. There’s no way I’d want to be the sole adult with 15 year olds!

Not sure about other parents but I wouldn’t drop and leave my 6 year old at any party and definitely not if I found out their was one adult for 15 children. Ridiculous

I love being able to drop DD at parties and run. She’s 8 and have been doing that for the past few years. She’s fine without me and I could do without sitting around for a few hours. I’m a single mum so it means I can get shit done whilst she’s having fun. I’m not missing out on anything by not being there and DD wouldn’t notice if I’m there or not.

The class parties she has been to have been split with the amount of parents who stay or go. The ones who stay just sit there on their phones, they aren’t there to help. One party was 3 hours long at a soft play, my idea of hell. One parent asked me at one of DD’s parties when tea/coffee would be served… I pointed her to the urn and the cups etc.

To be honest I think you have read a tone into her texts messages, that (in my opinion) isn't there. The tone is something you have decided on. That comes from you.

Also don't get how she was so direct someone thought she couldn't be from NZ and you jumped to her being rude and weird. But your direct text messages are fine.

And also why the long explanation about your job and why no one else could help.....if you also had loads of people close by who can help at the drop of a hat?

Children in a classroom doing work is a completely different deal to excited children full of cake playing games. I’ve been teaching years but I wouldn’t want to handle 15 excited 6 year olds solo.

YABU and a bit weird about doing this on your own. At that age I would expect most of the parents to stay tbh.

I think it’s too young to have no parents present. Jemima may well have allergies that this mum needs to supervise food, maybe be too nervous to tell you about now. She also doesn’t know there won’t be other adults around in your home. You are being v UR