To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

'Not sure why I should massively inconvenience myself hosting Jemima’s weird rude mother when Jemima could just not come.'

You don't sound terribly bright. Has it not occurred to you that the mother doesn't want to go but Jemma her daughter has told her that she's been invited to a party but only plays with your daughter after school and they aren't particularly good friends and she is nervous/anxious about being left at the party with a bunch of girls who are all very friendly?

When my ds was 6 these are the kind of questions I would've needed to ask so I could prepare him for what would happen. I also couldn't have left him. Yes he was fine at school with a bit of extra support from teacher who knew him. However that's completely different to a noisy party with lots of kids and an unknown adult. FWIW I would've loved to be able to drop and run. As he got older I hated the judgement from parents when I stayed - I am sure they thought I was overprotective.

God agree she sounded annoying and hard work. Also really wouldn’t want a random mum sitting about. What if they all stayed?!

That said I did single handedly do a kids for that number and it was in my top 5 worst experiences ever. It was like an episode of Motherland. But Dd had insisted on inviting all boys to a craft party. Don’t ever do that.

Maybe she's busy?

Its lucky you're a lawyer, I mean 15 six year olds running round your house with one adult supervising. What could possibly go wrong?

So she doesn’t come. No skin off anyone’s nose by the sounds of it.

Majority of posters on here are rude and hard work. Some sort of strange pile on because the op has made a decision about her daughter’s party.

Not just oh I think it’s unreasonable because… it’s how dare you not want extra help, you won’t cope, Jemima may have anxiety, what are your plans for an hour, your job doesn’t make you better than us 😂 (That was my favourite)

i’m going to make them all sign NDAs

Yabu and very rude in your follow ups messages about a 5 or 6 year old and her mum. Jemima is only 5 or 6. My dd is 7...the last party she went to was the first time she allowed me to go and leave her. No additional needs and lots of confidence. At 5 or 6 at all the parties Ive been too there were a mixture of some parents dropping but most stayed or hung around close by. In a year or so Jemima be ok without her mum but she still very young.

I like you, OP! Good luck with the party next week

You keep using the word 'rude' but based on what you find 'rude' I'm not sure you know what it means

it means Jemima’s mum’s texts? I thought we were all unanimous on that

she is ok to go to after school care without her parents there.

That’s an ignorant thing to say - my child also goes to afterschool care without us because the staff have had in school and at hospital training to look after his medical needs which requires him to have an adult carer at all times (although you wouldn’t know unless he told you) .

I have to stay with him at parties even now - and sometimes I tell the host why, other times I don’t since I want him to have control over who I disclose his personal medical information to (he goes through stages of not wanting others to know he has a serious medical). I’ve never had anyone not be ok with this- the more adults to help the better usually.

thank you @DoorPath It serves me right if it’s an unmitigated disaster… I will report back 😂😂😂

Sounds like jemima might have felt anxious about going so mum was letting her know the plan.

Nothing wrong with her asking to stay you've said no. All fine

You're bu

I’m really not seeing what you’re seeing in this situation 😕

Are you just generally pissed off and focusing it on this woman?!

It's true what they say about NZ being a few decades behind the UK then 😄

I'm in the UK with kids in their mid 30s. Every party was drop and run when they were small. Parents didn't dream of crossing the threshold of the party front door when mine were 5 and up. And mine were always parties at the house (though admittedly I had my DH to help). It's sad if people are now so over protective that it doesn't happen any more.

However, I don't know why you thought her messages were rude. I don't think they were at all (nor was yours). I think you most have read them in a different tone of voice than she typed them in.

Honestly @Endoftheroad12345 you come across as rather stressed and quite aggressive. I don’t think the mother was BU. She doesn’t know you and it’s sounds to me like she was trying to break the ice rather than interrogating you. If you don’t want her to stay that’s fine but I’m sure she doesn’t expect you to babysit her.

Quite possibly tbh 🤣

@Endoftheroad12345

or that she's busy with the kids after school or deciding if Jemima will cope without her or not or at work. Any number of reasons.

she has texted back

I remember when my son was that age was about the point where some parents would drop off and some would stay. It was nice to have some adult company and help.

Overwhelmingly, by choice none of those parents would have been there! I know I was so glad when son was happy to be left!

I didn't see it as 'hosting adults' because I wasn't be doing anything extra to host - adults would eat the party food too if they felt like it. Some might have a glass of beer or wine. It's not the big deal you are making out to be.

I also didn't find her texts rude - I'm surprised she asked as it was usually the other way IME - people texting 'is it ok to leave him?'

I do wonder if you're going to have a few more parents staying than you think.....

This is what I wondered as well.

I have a 14 year old with additional needs that may not be immediately obvious if you see him just at school pickup for 5 minutes a day AND he has anaphylactic food allergies that he can't manage himself so yes, I always asked to stay at parties - he's only been invited to 4 though. So I stayed when he was 3 - 6- 9 - 12 years of age.

Besides that I think you might need another pair of hands- assuming she would be the kind to pitch in.

You seem oddly combative.

The thing is you are very much of the opinion that “your texts weren’t rude” - but, neither were hers??? I think your decision on the matter is absolutely fair enough but to be calling her “jemimas weird rude mum” seems really odd given she has only asked two very simple, perfectly normal questions?

in my day, pre text messages.
parents would arrive for 6th birthday party and ask at the door, in fact i dont think anyone ever stayed or if they did i coped

Glad it worked out in what suits you best, but I don’t think Jemima’s mum’s texts were rude. I’m not sure why you’re so annoyed over an extremely brief and essentially polite exchange. Drop off parties may be completely typical for you, but they clearly aren’t for her, and that’s not unreasonable, it’s just different.