To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

So if the girl has additional needs she's not welcome?
After school cares totally different to being in a strangers home.

What makes you think she will help? If she doesn't know the op she's more likely to be in the way.

There are degrees of directness. It’s very possible, if not likely, that what is seen as ‘direct’ by someone English/British, is not considered direct by someone from OP’s culture.

I don’t see a problem with the mother’s messages either, but I also see OP’s point that instead of asking questions she could have just accepted or declined the invitation, rather than assume she could stay.

The mum didn't assume she could stay though. She checked if it would be allowed, OP said no, she said fine, daughter will attend as per invite.

OP is the one who has made it a big drama in her head.

OP - it sounds like you feel quite strongly about this. I don’t think anything in the mother’s messages was rude or boundary-testing. Especially as you mention you barely know her. I’m glad you seem to have got the result you want.

FWIW you come across as very controlling (no one asked you to invite Jemima, your daughter was ambivalent but you did anyway; without any curiosity for why her parent wanted/needed more detail you immediately got your back up; you appear to revel in being able to “do it all alone” and seem to take it as a personal insult if anyone suggests helping). Also not clear what your occupation has to do with being rude (I’m a partner in an international law firm and wouldn’t think that excuses being confrontational and strange with people I’m inviting to a party).

Perhaps you’re more overwhelmed with this party planning than you want to admit which explains what to me is a highly disproportionate reaction to a pretty normal set of questions for this sort of event.

I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal for the mother to ask a few questions before deciding if her daughter would go. She politely asked two questions. Her daughter had never been to a party by herself before.

Agree 100%

Jeez op the responses here…32 pages of condemnation? I had to stop reading. I have hosted many parties at my house never an injury or problem and I have a swimming pool and trampoline! Well done for saying no..a solid MN no. You sound very well prepped and planned. The girls will-entertain and watch each other I have never had fighting ball popping or any other nonsense and I have done painting and scrap booking and made all the food without another parent present. If a parent insisted on staying I would go along but I put them to work or pop them in the sunroom and ignore enjoy the party you are making a very. Ice memory for you DD. I admire a solid NO that doesn’t work for me.

I usually asked to stay but sometimes left after a little while when DC were in early school years until I knew the parents a bit better and DC were comfortable with me leaving. The parent isn’t being unreasonable and know what is right for their child. Your insistence that they don’t stay isn’t very welcoming so it would be a thanks but no thanks from me after that response. It would also start to ring safeguarding bells about why you were so insistent about me leaving tbh.

Like I said, I don’t think the mother was rude or wrong to ask the questions either. I can see how OP could have taken issue though (‘ok for me to stay?’, without being able to read the tone, can be taken as the question being asked as a courtesy, with the assumption being that it would be fine), even if I wouldn’t have done. I can also see why a lot of MN posters are taking issue too, given how culturally different OP’s way of communicating is to what they’re clearly used to.

True, but rigidity and a “fuck off if you don’t like it” attitude will land you with no friends. Fine if adults don’t care about not having friends, but a shame for their DC.

Agree. There really are some strange replies ,almost like a Op fan club !!!
My children are 90s kids and drop off and run were the norm. BUT it wasn’t normal for only one parent hosting without any helpers.
I was a massively laid back Mum and was prepared to take small risks ,but I couldn’t have dealt with 15 children on my own.Grandma and children Godmother/Father were involved.

I'm UK but autistic, and I think you're really rude! I've read lots of your posts but it's a long thread and I got bored so I've read up to this one quoted here, and honestly you sound incredibly rude and unpleasant.
I don't think it's a kiwi thing either because my kiwi friend is absolutely lovely.

I don’t think you were rude or unreasonable, it’s now for the mum to make her choice.

if she’s not happy with this set up then she can move on.

I wouldn’t be keen on someone I don’t know helping me to supervise a party, you know nothing about her or what her temperament and personality are like. She might be really strict. From a safeguarding point you’d have to watch and supervise her too.

For the vast majority of people it would be fine. She did ask and not just assume she could stay on the day. It would be very unusual for someone to say a parent cannot stay. It is quite often a help in looking out for the children. And if not a help something that can be tolerated for the sake of the child. The needs of a small child must have priority over a mild irritation for a parent.

I'd just like the recipe for fairy bread...

And some of @Endoftheroad12345 vigour.

I think Jemima's mum should have come clean about what was concerning her. The kid is shy, the kid wets her pants, the kid is not the most confident in group situations, whatever. And I think hanging around for 5 mins after drop off would have been a better suggestion from her, too. Because she wasn't up front because she asked for a "plan" she was immediately annoying and obviously unwelcome. That much is obvious. That's all I have to say. Well done for hosting that many girls in your house alone. I did it once, years ago when Frozen came out. 20 girls, Frozen on the TV, white coconut cake to celebrate. Not a peep out of anyone.

Exactly what I have said but you have worded it better.

Okay? I said I could see how OP could have read it in that way. I can also see how you’d read it the opposite way and have no issue with it. I wouldn’t have an issue with it either, but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand why someone else would 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re working within the parameters of your own cultural norms here.

For plenty of people it isn’t at all unusual for parents to be unable to stay, and is in fact unusual for a parent to ask to. It’s also not unusual for parents to not ‘tolerate’ it.

@Endoftheroad12345 I for one LOVE your attitude. I hope you've enjoyed loling at the trolls on this thread. Have a magnificent party! 🎈

I wish you luck with the party OP. We had some parties at home when the children were close to that age and what surprised and challenged us was how very different some children were to our own. Some were super confident, had very high expectations of what entertainment there might be, not cooperative, loud, aggressive to the extent of punching another child completely unprovoked. Then others were timid, afraid of everything including loud noises, afraid to join in the games. We also had a fairy for 3/4 of one party, with only the food and cake to control when she left….she looked at me pityingly as she departed because some of the guests were so difficult. Fingers crossed for you, but to us it all came as a huge surprise.

I wouldn't want a stranger staying. From her messages, she's not going to be any use.

Is your swimming-pool fenced? I would never allow my young child to attend a party alone at a house with an unfenced pool unless assured that a lifeguard would be present. All it needs is for the host to lose track of one child for a few minutes (and it's easily done if you're supervising lots), and then you have a tragedy on your hands.

You'd expect a life guard in someone's home?

I think this whole situation is not something I would ever pay attention to - or bother creating a thread about - original text exchange between the OP and the girl's mother is boringly normal stuff parents have to deal with, at lest in my experience. I have been asked countless times by other parents what the party arrangement is, do they have to stay, do they need to bring anything, etc etc... and asked these questions myself, too. Never occurred to me this is somehow rude or weird. To me, OP seems a bit strange, defensive even, but maybe its a cultural issue.

Glad its all sorted now, and hope party goes well.