To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

The thing is that I don’t have an issue with the Op not wanting this woman to stay, that is her prerogative
I think that the main issue is OP’s over the top reaction to the woman’s message.
Op is reading all kinds of negativity into what is an innocuous message to many, which I don’t get.

Your milkshake brings all the helicopter mums to the yard. Absolutely batshit replies. Your party, your rules, OP - I admire your backbone and boundaries!

This was in response in response to a poster saying I was clearly a cashed career woman with no experience of looking after children, and I stand by it

OP - hope your party goes well. I posted on here a few years ago asking how to politely ask parents not to stay when I was living in Dublin as I was surprised so many parents seemed to want to stay at my 6 year old's party, and my dh was in hospital so I just had my sister to help out. MNetters said I should accommodate them and I foolishly did.

It was a total pain. None of them helped despite multiple mini-crises (one child wet his pants, another had a balloon phobia of all things 😩, and about 3 of them decided it would be great fun to jump from the highest possible stair. One child whose parents didn't stay had quite severe behavioural issues that I didn't know about beforehand and had a total meltdown. Also, my toddler thought it would be a great idea to strip off completely in the middle of it all.

Meanwhile, the parents just took up space in my kitchen and living room (where I could have decanted the difficult children) expecting to be wined and dined (or tea and caked) and were absolutely no help despite seeing the chaos unfold around them.

You did the right thing - the Kiwi way of independent kids is so so much better, and hopefully your dd, Jemima, the other guests and all their parents appreciate it.

Tbh many children have needs you know nothing about so a parent is needed with them for certain occasions. I would have gladly said yes come along a bit of help would be great thanks

OP, I grew up in New Zealand and I get you. I always found navigating the Kiwi “couched in 17 layers of overly casual” quite hard to navigate myself and have always been seen as very direct (lol) but also positively bristled when on a group trip (no kids involved) I had organised and a Russian friend texted demanding to know “the plan”. I had to take a few minutes to compose myself before responding because I found it incredibly rude. I don’t know why, I just don’t think it’s something Kiwis do unless you’re very close! In a way I think typical Kiwi forced casualness can be even more restrictive than the UK, where I live now and have no issues

I am sorry if her child is ND or feels uncomfortable at the party but equally I want to enjoy hosting DD’s party and not feel awkward and uncomfortable with a stranger there, or inwardly seething that I didn’t say no (which I know I would). I know drop and runs are the norm. So ultimately my comfort in my own home is more important to me that someone else’s hypothetical discomfort.

Except Jemima's mum was absolutely fine about not staying! But because she didn't answer your reply immediately, you conducted this entire narrative that she is being a boundary-trampling annoying mum who babies her six-year-old who god forbid she might have ND issues which you couldn't give a damn about anyway… Yet it was all in your head. The whole spinning narrative.

It's really, really not healthy getting this worked up over hypotheticals.

If you have a child (as I do) that could die if they ate something they are allergic to, then obviously you would have to let the party host know and check that they were happy for you not to be around and just leave their epipen with them. Surely, as a party host, you would not want to risk killing one of the guests by feeding them something they are allergic to?

Wow, that's a bit much Nigel..la

Your not hosting her she will be assisting her child which frankly you will need.

Have you ever hosted a party before? because you seem woefully naive, 16 kids at 6 years old to 1 adult is NOT safe. Absolutely no professional kids venue would allow that ratio.

Also theres absoloutly nothing rude about her, its standard to stay with a 6 year old at a party. From your responses you're the one being weird and rude. You want to hope no child gets hurt at this unsuitably supervised party you are throwing and anything of yours that gets inevitably broken/damaged will frankly be your own doing.

OP, there have been some posts here about kids with ASD but have you possibly considered autism for yourself?
There seems to be a total lack of empathy, lack of consideration for any way but yours and very black and white thinking here from your part.
Also not wanting another adult in the house would be typical.

OP you sound like hard work. She's hardly asking for a menu plan and an itinerary. Chill out, it's a party.

And after reading the whole lot as i have nothing better to do this Sunday afternoon I clearly see I wouldn't want any of my children at the party due to the mother's rudeness,nastiness etc...i kindof hope the invited child's mother takes her out for the day rather than go to this party. Nice,polite and friendly. Shame op wasn't the same as it seems only her way goes on all counts. Happy Sunday!

@housethatbuiltme
Have you ever hosted a party before? because you seem woefully naive, 16 kids at 6 years old to 1 adult is NOT safe. Absolutely no professional kids venue would allow that ratio

Agree, no way can one person watch 16 six year olds all at once by themselves.

This thread has hugely brightened my day.
The OP is a hoot!!
Great to hear from a lady who knows who she is and lets the world know too...
I hope ( know!!) the party will be a great success and the weather dries up a bit for you all!

Looking for ward to the update next week.

Never heard of it before this thread, I've just given it to 4 rowdy boys who are devouring it!

Or she’s from a different culture where directness in communication, and being quite comfortable with saying no to things you don’t want, is entirely normal.

It's a myth that people with autism lack empathy. They may lack of struggle with the ability to demonstrate it in a socially acceptable way, but they certainly do not necessarily lack it.

Some of the OP's details about her background make me think she is stuck in a permanent 'fight' mode. Which can be caused by trauma (and undoubtedly not helped by a combative job such as law - I'm an ex -lawyer myself and experienced in litigation). The overthinking of very innocuous texts to me indicates this as well.

So I hope it goes well with the OP and honestly I do think she ought to engage a bit more on calm self-reflection as I know myself that living in a state of high stress and anxiety where you will fight with your own shadow is quite exhausting. I'm working on my own issues in that regard, so not trying to lecture.

As a Brit, I agree with you and despair.

Wow, you don't sound very nice. These are 6 year old children. TBH I wouldn't want my kids making friends with a child with such an angry, rude mother. I expect Jemima won't come now.

Definitely let her stay she will help massively!

But she said herself that being direct is not typical in her culture, that's why she was complaining about the other mums messages.

You have spent a hell of a lot of time copying and posting. Did you want everyone to lay into the OP? If so, who is the bully?

Yes that may be the case, her attitude just seems far from typical.
It may be that she is just stuck in fight mode.

That sounds horrific. How on earth would you know if you are going to be free in 8 months time? The kids may not be friends anymore particularly if they have changed classes.

Also, do you not have loads of parents forgetting about the party?

Just dawned on me you may have meant 6-8 weeks. Even do, my points still stand. I much preferred the system we had, although the ones arriving the day before were a bit of a pain if I didn't have any presents in 2 for 1 stash.