To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

This 👆👆

Ha, this thread! I don't think you were rude at all. I hate parents hanging about at a party. Your response was fine, it was polite and clear. I don't think other Mum's texts were rude either though. Small scenario, well managed. The posts on this thread are too much.

Jeez Louise- Kid’s party invites months in advance?
How ludicrous is that-

It’s not a Wedding, just a kid’s party .

No one surely does that- Kids could be in different classes and even schools by then.

Why has this all upset you so much?!

This!!

You are rude and to be honest from a the point of view managing very young hyper children in your house on your own is hopping mad. I don’t know of (a least in our school circle of friends) who had ever hosted a party with similar aged children without any adults at hand to supervise and help with food etc. no matter how organised you are. I would t leave my 6 year with you.

Wow, OP, the reactions…COVID and lockdowns must have done something to people. It’s been a while since DC was 6, but absolutely no one ever stayed with their 6 year old at class parties. Regardless of whether you knew the parents or not or have been to their house before. At 4, everyone stayed, at 5, roughly 50:50, at 6 - no one. This was the norm. What you are doing is perfectly normal.

The entertainer shouldn't be expected to supervise, their job is to entertain.

I'd ask the nanny to stay and help out. They're likely the reason for your overconfidence in child wrangling in the first place.

Idly wondering why doesn't your other DD want to stay? At that age, older girls are like demi-gods to younger ones. I'd want my big sister there if I were the birthday girl.

I really quite enjoyed this thread. A distraction from elections.

I find it really distasteful how some posters are telling the OP how great she is after she made these comments:

"I appreciate her child may have additional needs I’m not aware of but (a) they have the option of not attending the party and (b) she is ok to go to after school care without her parents there."
"I don’t care about her hypothetical needs or differences (which she hasn’t actually articulated). Not sure why I should massively inconvenience myself hosting Jemima’s weird rude mother when Jemima could just not come."

OP has openly stated she doesn't care whether a child has additional needs and is not interested in accommodating them, she would much rather the child didn't come - massively ableist and exclusionary, and yet people are saying:

"I'm a little bit in love with you OP!"

"I like you, OP!"

"I like you too OP. Have enjoyed your responses on this thread."

"I LOVE the cut of your jib."

"You managed it all superbly OP."

"you sound very chilled" (er what?!)

"I love you, OP."

"OP you sound amazing"

"thanks for the inspirational posts" (inspirational?! Really?!!)

"OP I have found your responses increasingly brilliant as we went on."

"Thanks for making my morning, OP! Your responses have made me laugh out loud! If you were in the UK I'd ask if we could have coffee, as you sound like my sort of person."

"You're great OP."

"I like you OP."

"You're hilarious OP."

"OP I’m sad you’re in NZ as I want to meet you and have a drink."

"op I reckon we’d be great mates!"

"you are brilliant."

"I like you too OP"

"I would like you on my team :)"

Ugh ugh ugh

It reminds me a bit of high school when people would cheerlead the bullies.

I'm with you on not wanting other parents at a party.

However you have made your DD invite this child , she didn't want to. That is not fair on your dd or the girl invite or the rest of the kids at the party to be honest. You're unreasonable for that

"Didn’t say please"?? For goodness sake!

would be as a result of a couple of innocuous texts sent by poor Jemima’s mum.

if you agree with everybody, why starting that angry thread and making up all the drama?

DS is older and doesn’t want to hang around 6 year old girls. My nanny does morning school drop offs so I can start work early (6.30am) in order to be able to pick kids up early enough to make and have dinner together.

I think the lack of empathy shown by the OP is very difficult for a lot of people to understand. She cannot seem to comprehend that a 5/6 year old might be nervous going to a party at an unknown house. And is not willing to slightly inconvenience herself to enable the child to feel comfortable at the party.
It is important to have boundaries in life but not really appropriate here. On this occasion it is just rude and unkind.

The mums texts were absolutely fine and not rude in the slightest.

You are weirdly defensive in your reaction to them.

Tbh you sound absolutely insufferable, arrogant and obnoxious after the comments you made.

Batshit fucking crazy.

Who's upset? I am finding the OP very entertaining. In a very rude and unpleasant way, but as I don't have to deal with her at the school gate, I find her amusing.

What makes you think I am upset?

I think she sounds assertive and absolutely reasonable. Her kid, her home, her rules. People aren't obliged to attend if they don't like it.

I would expect it is from usual wet lettuce types who can never say no so are excited at seeing a boundary set

but it isn’t about the boundary, it is about weird rage, name calling and shaming of that other mum for just asking 🤷‍♀️ boundaries are fine. But why to be so arsey about it I don’t get

Well said. This comment I don’t care about her hypothetical needs or differences (which she hasn’t actually articulated) is particularly nasty. I hope OP and none of those posters fawning over her never know what it's like to have a child that does have needs and differences, because it's bloody hard and emotional and draining.

No.

There's only one rude person on this thread and it isn't @WitchyWay

@Endoftheroad12345 you're my kind of woman (also a Kiwi, living in the UK tho) and really missing fairy bread now.

Thanks @Calliopespa

I reflecting how once upon a time I probably would have got quite upset and started arguing with everyone on the thread (believe it or not, I am far more chilled than I was a few years ago 😂).

But when you have been through what I have, you have to get comfortable with being the villain in other people’s stories. It used to really bother me that people might think badly of me for ending my marriage, for example. Now I know that only me, and to a certain extent my kids, know what life married to exH was like and only our opinions matter. This thread has been an interesting test case for that theory!

Likewise, I ruthlessly prioritise my kids and then work. I had lots of coaching about my inability to set boundaries at work and I’ve got much better about prioritising what matters and leaving the rest. If I let someone take up my time with pointless shit, it means one of two things - I won’t get something important done, which could jeopardise my job and our security, or I’ll have to stay late/work weekends which takes away time with my kids. So I’m constantly saying no to things that don’t serve my priorities.

So setting this boundary with this mother is a small example of that. I am sorry if her child is ND or feels uncomfortable at the party but equally I want to enjoy hosting DD’s party and not feel awkward and uncomfortable with a stranger there, or inwardly seething that I didn’t say no (which I know I would). I know drop and runs are the norm. So ultimately my comfort in my own home is more important to me that someone else’s hypothetical discomfort. I don’t think that makes me a bad person but if it does - I’m comfortable being the villain! But I was interested to see how it was perceived. Hence the AIBU.

the key word in this post is hypothetical. I am not tying myself in knots over information I have not been informed of - which may not exist.

This is such an odd thread. Why post on AIBU if you are so very, very sure you are totally reasonable? Kind of pointless to ask for opinions when you're clearly not at all interested in any that differ from yours.