To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

8 months?!!! So I should have sent out the invite (& guest list, adult to child ratio, dietary requirements and schedule of activities) … in November???

I thought mentioning you were in a senior lawyer position was a bit odd. It explained itself later when you explained that you feel that she wants to superwise you. I think you misjudged why she had asked.
Naturally you must have had a life that made you sensitive to people hinting you arent mature or good enough.

I definitely didn’t expect everyone to agree with me. I probably expected 50:50 though. I’m used to people disagreeing with me, I argue for a living! (I’m a lawyer)

To superwise me? Like - heighten my powers?

That’s called “Reddit”

You're in predominantly Brit forum, OP. They're weird people, babying their kids up to their 20s. I got jumped on here, suggesting that an 18 year old is perfectly capable sorting their own expired passport. Unreasonable, apparently. Mummy needs to do it for her baby.

Back home, kids walk alone to school from 6. No one would even drop them at the party, they'd walk themselves. My DD attended an international school with local children, then kids from Germany, Sweden, Finland mostly. Everyone was normal, except for this one oddball Brit kid, who never got invited anywhere because of his clingy annoying mother. She also wanted to stay in parties and was the only parent, bringing her baby to school everyday. Pathetic.

I was traveling in Borneo at 19, with one friend. Here I saw a mother worrying about her 18 year old baby going to Tenerife with his girlfriend. It's ridiculous how wet the local kids are.

And don't get me started on 'can I leave my 10 year old alone at home for an hour' getting wild frothy replies. Well of course you can, 10 year old is not a dumb baby. Alas, no..

Op, since my 4 dc have made it safely to adulthood, despite having to endure parties hosted (mostly) single-handed by me, I can't comment on current party-hosting etiquette.

However, I get the impression you may work in the law, and as such, I would like you to represent me. I haven't yet done anything illegal (but the day is young), and the distance between us may be an issue - nevertheless, I would like you on my team :).

Ps Hope the party goes well (I'm sure it will), and that Jemima and all the other little girls enjoy the fairy bread and (hopefully) the fairy .

Drop and run parties were the norm in the UK up until about 20 years ago, from age 5 and even last year of preschool. I'm always suprised at how many parents want to stay now, as when my children were small we all dropped and ran away as fast as we could. 2 hours of peace!!

Really, gosh, I must have missed that vital people of info.

Ok, I will take your word for it that your motivation was simple cantankerousness, or possibly day drinking then.

See how easy it is to admit it getting it wrong? I don't bill by the hour, you can have that one for free.

I’ve never dropped my 6 nearly 7 year old off at a party (I’ve always stayed)
and not because I don’t want to, but because it seems to be the norm within his year group that parents stay and it would be weird if I just dropped him off and left. In fact, I asked once via text prior to one party if it was ok to drop off and collect at the end or if they would prefer parents to stay; and I was met with such an attitude that made me feel like I was unreasonable for even asking.

my 6 year old is confident, sensible and polite so would be more than fine but it’s just not the done thing within his class for some reason.

I do think yabu, I think she was asking what the plan was as she was trying to gather information in a non confrontational way about whether she was required to stay or not. But instead of just coming out and asking initially she was hoping that by asking what the plan was, that you would volunteer that information without her asking directly.
I can’t see why she’s pissed you off so much 🤷‍♀️

Off to bed and an early night.

Hopefully the OP will re think her unkindness and obstinacy. But I won't hold my breath.

Endoftheroad12345 · Today 10:30
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · Today 10:24

"You are quite rude you know. The poster suggesting you might have got a more appropriate answer on an NZ wasn't remotely implying any slight about NZ. There was no need for the sarky comment about the internet.
Show quote history
there isn’t a bloody mumsnet equivalent in and, that is a fact, the bit about the internet is a joke."

I feel my will to live ebbing away

Don't worry OP. There is a huge sense of humour bypass there!

Oh for God sake her texts were fine the first one clearly wants to know if it was parents and children or just drop off. She still didn't get an answer so just asked. And you don't have to host her, I wouldn't if running a party.

You've drawn a line anyway but yes YABU

Depends on budget (if parents stay it's normal to cater for them too often alcohol as well). It is often seen as a good chance to socialise especially if a summer born and can be outside etc.

OP you may be better letting the Mum stay. I had a very high maintenance kid, Mum left her and she couldn't cope. Had to this little girl by my side for the whole party, she was frightened.

Yeah you are totally over reacting. I was sexually assaulted as a child as a one off and it wrote the rest of my life in many ways. I would absolutely not drop my 6 year old at someone else’s home that I barely knew. her number 1 job is to keep her child safe and you are being defensive and feeling challenged that you aren’t able to do that which is hitting you in a vulnerable area of someone challenging your capabilities. She’s keeping her daughter safe in a strangers home.

I would have the exact same and if I wasn’t able to stay she wouldn’t go.

Thank you! Yes let’s hope it’s the fairy and not the clown or I’ll have more traumatised kids on my hands!!!

no way! We would never have guessed that you enjoy arguing! Mind blown. 🙄

You sound terribly insecure to make a drama out of nothing for so long. You are rude to a mum who check instead of making assumptions, you are rude to posters.

Does it make you feel better in any way? Is MN forum the only place you can actually say what you wish you could say in real life?

It's only a kids party, do you get worked up about everything? You need to chill before the actual party honestly. You are going to stress out your poor kids for no reason.

This is so nasty, judgemental and frankly disablist. If I was Jemima's mother I'd not want my child going to a party at this person's house.

"Jemima’s mum is going to be attending a lot of parties (or Jemima will be missing out". Yup, people like you do certainly make it the case that the Jemimas of this world (whether she has special needs, or is just shy or anxious) miss out. No-one who doesn't fit into your mould how how people should behave are included, right? Of course Jemima could "just not come". That's exactly what happens because of people like you. Well done. Ugh.

And you are the "rude weird" one, not poor Jemima's mum.

OP is basically externally competent and internally agitated with rage having ended up in a position where her (much respected) independence also feels like abandonment.

Hair trigger rage at a perfectly inoccuous text followed by the attempt to force Jemima’s mother into some kind of shame parade so that OP can demonstrate her complete command of the situation?

The subtext is as obvious as the text. You are lonely, no family to help, no friends you can tolerate, you bit off more than you can chew since rain/small house and you needed to recoup some of that by turning poor jemima’s mum into someone you “won” over.

All of this applause for saying no and not seething? Like you are the patron saint of put upon women? You aren’t that at all. You just went off in your own mind like a mini bomb and imagined yourself very brave and forthright.

In reality the whole interaction with Jemima’s mom happened in your own head. Busy mom (Jemima’s mom) texted you, heard your answer, will drop daughter at party. She is unaware that you built her up into this great villain and that you vanquished her presumptuous self and nearly disinvited her daughter from this party of the century.

Continue with the therapy—you have a massive rage thing going on which you ate trying to turn into a virtue. Its just sad, really.

Ok everyone It is nearly midnight here and I have yet to dry my hair. Another week of being an obnoxious power crazed career woman beckons.

Thanks for all your posts, it has been unexpectedly entertaining. Of all the posts I’ve made over 10+ years of MNetting … about pregnancy nausea, sleepless babies, my horrible ex, loving post divorce life … I did not expect that the one to zoom to 31 pages in 6 hours would be as a result of a couple of innocuous texts sent by poor Jemima’s mum. If the threads still here in a week I’ll let you know how the party goes 😂

Have you got examples or the rudeness? I’ve seen a bit of sassy self defence … but rude has all been in the other direction.

This thread is quite bullying. The women on Mn witter on all the time about boundaries and “ not people pleasing” ; yet when confronted by a fair example they pile on. And I think the problem was it was a fair example- maybe not the line we would all have drawn ( I’d probably have “people pleased” and said yes of course, stay as long as you like but then I’m a bit of a “ doormat” when it comes to social “ boundaries” because I simply don’t enjoy awkwardness). Had it been some totally arsey decision like not asking MIL to the christening, they’d all have egged her on in a frenzy. If Jemima struggles with being left the mum only needed to say so- but she didn’t.

Completely unreasonable. I wouldn't want my child basically unsupervised among 15 6 year olds. One adult cannot provide a safe environment for that many young children.

There’s an entertainer!! Can’t people count?