To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Organised parents sent invitations in to school on the Monday for a weekend party, while the less organised ones could arrive the day before.

Lol. If you sent a party invite at one weeks notice here no one would be free.

Most invites arrive 6-8 months before. Less organised people leave it to one month before and often get a lot of people not free so low turnout.

I do think there were more drop & go parties at home when i was a child but not with 15 children! 8 max. Bigger parties generally were less common.

Because I knew what the right outcome was for me and my kids but I was interested in what other people’s perception of the situation was.

I'm in Queensland, Aus and that is not the case. At least a couple of parents always stay at younger children's parties.

Yabu. You are going to have a wild ride with a party of 6 year olds without extra pairs of hands.

What!!! 6-8 months for children’s parties?! Is that a typo? Do you mean weeks?

I guess it’s the tone of some of the responses. I do often think exactly what you are saying: why post if you only want reinforcement. But many of the posters arguing against her position didn’t exactly commend themselves as reasonable. We all make decisions about whose advice we would consider worth taking.

I don’t see that at all.

I think the mum is clearly expecting ‘yeah no problem’ in response to her message (that’s clearly the tone- asking a question you basically already know the answer to purely as a formality. I do this all the time, for example “do you still need a lift to ballet?” When I know 99% they do because they always tell me days in advance if they don’t)-

which implies that actually the universal norm in that community isn’t for all parents to drop and run, and the op isn’t aware of that for some reason (or is and disagrees with it so is manipulating the narrative).

Thank you - I think the benefit of the doubt is important in any relationship really! You’re right.

one, two, three, a hundred people cannot present the cultural norm of an entire country 🤣

or region, city, village, even road in some places, and it’s not relevant if it’s not right for even one person

I'm from the UK so appreciate the culture will be different. But I have always stayed at parties in primary school as my child has SEN. He was still in nappies at this age so if you hadn't let me stay I would have had to decline. Where I live there will usually be a few parents who stay although some will drop and run from 4. There was one party I went to for a non school friend who was 7 (mine were a bit older, 14, 12 and 8) at a venue. It wasn't an organised "party" as such, they had just paid for entry and food for all the children. I was in there with the kids, closely supervising my 8 year old and checking in my older 2 every so often. All the other parents stayed but they all sat in the cafe and ignored the children until their play session ended and it was time for food, even the host, very weird.

I like you too OP @Endoftheroad12345
I’m UK based and would love this party set up. It mostly is this way where I am.
And love the boundary setting. This is what I think is getting peoples backs up. So many not used to others setting boundaries and tend to see it as being rude, which it definitely isn’t, it’s needed more and more.
Hope your dd has a boss party 🥳

I think your attitude is weird. Maybe it's more usual in your neck of the woods to have drop and run parties, but that's not the norm for my six year olds class yet. So I don't think it odd or rude of her to ask to stay, especially as her child has never been to yours before. I suspect that if the invitation didn't specify that it was a drop and run party, that's what she was getting at when she asked 'what the plans were'. I also just think your reaction to her is defensive and prickly. Beyond her daughter having never been to your house, there could be all sorts of reasons why she'd like to stay. Maybe her daughter hasn't been to many parties yet, and she just wants the chance to watch her child having fun with other children? Maybe her daughter has a fear of something common at children's parties, like clowns or balloons or something.

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to say actually it's a drop and run party. But your reaction to her and your assertion that she's rude and thinks you're a criminal(?) are very odd.

Or that Jemima hasn’t been to many parties, or her mother hasn’t just dropped her before but is the outlier?

Why on earth would I manipulate the narrative around 6 y.o birthday parties

The true answer to this is that the OP did not believe, for a second, she'd be told by hundreds of women she was wrong.

She was expecting validation. She's flabbergasted.

If she had not been so unpleasant to begin with, and been so willing to uninvite a poor little girl because it might mildly inconvenience her to have her mum around, I'd almost feel sorry for her.

the mum in question had no issue with the boundary tho - so it’s not that. It’s the coming here to bitch about the audacity of another parent daring to check the party was suitable for her kid. It was. The end. But no - let’s run here to be a douchebag.

I feel like you are either the OP or the OPs friend. How did she "demand " it. She asked a simple question?

Yes the criminal bit was a literary flourish

YABU for wanting to host 15, 6 year olds alone. Sounds hellish, I'd have welcomed the extra help with open arms.

Her messages were really really normal, like I'm a bit baffled at how they've got your back up tbh!

isn’t that what internet forums (fora) are for? Is the UK internet different from the NZ internet

Ah would ya stop!!

6-8 months before a party. Will ya give over. Here they don't even get invites. A text gets sent about 2-3 weeks before, sometimes a few days before. There has never been an occasion where "no one" has been available. Maybe 1 or 2 maximum. But that could be the case with 8 months notice too.

Mutters to herself: 8 months? 8 bloody months notice for a child's birthday party. 8 months?

I very much doubt any of my friends are aware of MN, let alone posting on it to defend me moaning about a text with a mum from school 😂😂

And if there one thing I think has been made pretty clear over the last 30 pages it’s that I’m unlike to be running a user name of @GoodVibesHere
🤣🤣🤣

‘How do you know I’m not a health and safety inspector’ I’m dead, I’m off back to Nu Zild internet

Whoopps as op guessed i meant 6-8 weeks before is normal

If you give less than a months notice you risk a lot of people not coming, unless its a very quiet time of year like january.

I think you felt a bit judged - as though she felt she needed to flush out just what might go on at your den of iniquity/ incompetence.

I don’t say that unkindly: it’s why I think the mum’s texts should have been clearer from the start eg: “ I’ve not left Jemima before so I was just wondering if this is what most parents are doing and, if so, if you would mind me staying to support her?” The way she texted implied you had been short on info.

I mean the universal norm IS that sometimes parents stay at birthday parties when kids are young.

It just is.

Drop and run becomes normal as the kids get older, but at six years old it is absolutely, completely normal for a couple of parents to want to hang around.