To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I felt like that “stick to your NZ internet” was a bit Brexity

Meanwhile at Jemima’s mum’s house
”you’ve been invited to X’s party, do you want to go?”
”what kind of party is it?”
”I don’t know, shall I text X’s mum? Oh she doesn’t have much of a plan. Maybe a fairy she says”
“who else is going? Will there be a dog there, do they have a garden, will there be food I like, i don’t know where the toilet will be, I don’t know X’s brother or sister, what if there’s a person dressed up that I’m scared of, I don’t know her mum like I know Y and Z’s mums. I like X but will you stay with me please?”
”sigh I’m sure it will be fun, but of course I’ll try to stay”

Every parent of a nervous child has been in this awkward position before. We just want our kid to join in but some aren’t as outgoing as others. You stay with them at the first few parties until they become confident enough to leave. If you say no to the party they never learn that they’ll be fine and have fun.

I mean, honestly, at ANY age, nobody has to divulge their medical diagnoses to strangers, and especially not just to attend a birthday party.

It's perfectly normal to want to stay at a birthday party with a six year old - and perfectly normal not to if your child is fine with that.

If having ONE concerned mother stay to support her six year old daughter is such a chore, the OP clearly doesn't have the flexibility, temperament, patience or kindness to spend time caring for other people's children.

The OP invited the child. Sometimes children need their parents, and that's absolutely all the OP needed to know.

I loved it as a child. Plus other party food I find it hard to find in the UK- party franks and party pies.

When I go home my mother lays in a catering pack of frozen party pies for me.

Sometimes I make myself fairy bread at home. DH and the DCs just gag.

Tbh, I would have seen your dd’s coolness towards inviting this other child and the other child’s absence from the last party your dd went to as little warnings that this child might have one or two little “issues.” You may potentially regret not having help dealing with them, but may well also be performing a noble service for the child’s DM, who might appreciate her child being treated as normal and not a potential pita!

I have had a few birthday parties for my three kids and I have always appreciated the assistance of the parents who have decided to stay. However, this has been when the parties have been held at venues
If the party was to be held at my home, I may have felt differently
Tbh Op, I do admire you for knowing what you want and not being afraid to say it.
. Too many women have been conditioned to be people pleasers .
Many of us would have agreed to the l mother staying even though we were not happy about it.

You’re directing your frustration/annoyance at none of your close relatives/Ex DH being able/willing to help at the wrong person.

I can see how this could happen with me - my kids have no SEN and are pretty 'go with the flow' until they're not and you never know what will be the thing that trips them up eg they love climbing walls but hate high ropes courses; love pizza, but hated a pizza making party, won't have their faces painted but struggle to speak up to say so if everyone else is doing it will disappear into the garden or something etc.

For that reason, I'd ask what the plan was rather than trying to list all the things they might struggle with. And I might ask to stay without details because I wouldn't want to make my kids sound weird (I mean, they are, but I love them!) or sound as though I thought you wouldn't cope with them.

However, if I was hosting a party and had a text like that, I might feel as though the other parent was checking up on me or implying that I needed supervision, because I can be pretty defensive and assume people will judge me harshly.

So, on balance, it seems lucky that it's worked out how it has, and I hope JM turns out to just be a normal, slightly anxious mum rather than a doorway- looming nutbag! 🤞

Yes, it was all fine. Labour stopped and he hung on for another 3 weeks to be born a week early.

Re the 3 hours, it could also be you heartless, career women over compensating for your lack of mothering the rest of the time.

I’m going to give it a try at my next get together. Not sure when I’ll do it as need to check in with current health and safety regulations, nspcc and ensure my childhood isn’t a reflection of any of my decisions 😂

Sounds like it's okay - admirable even - for the OP to be direct, but when someone else is direct with her, they're rude and inconvenient apparently.

If I were your mum and I knew how you felt about me, I’d say no.

"Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)" is demanding?

Bloody hell

Your response doesn't surprise me in the least, you just can't or won't answer my very simple question will you? You just automatically go on the defensive when backed into a corner it seems.

And how do you know I'm not a health and safety Inspector?
For what it's worth, I'm not, but you assume I'm not without knowing. Besides, it doesn't take a safety 'expert' to know when someone shouldn't be looking after all those kids alone.

It takes someone with some plain and simple common sense.

British Internet for British People

Oh for god sake. What everyone here who is patting the OP on the back (and lets face it in some case outright fawning) seems to be missing is yet that’s it’s admirable to be direct and to be able to stand up for yourself. But we should also all apply critical thinking skills and consider what type of behaviour or values a person is ‘standing up for’ or defending. That should matter jsut as much if not more. And from what I’ve seen on this thread the applause it a bit more a slow clap from my end

not sure which thread you’re reading but there’s limited fawning from where I’m sitting 😂😂😂

Better having a 'random' mum there than nobody at all

The op has said there are others she can ask to help though, so doesn't need the 'random mum' there - who may or may not help out.

When I hosted parties at home, and to an extent elsewhere, I found it much harder to have parents I didn't know so well there. It made my life harder, not easier, as you have to then host that parent on top of the children.

Take back control of Mumsnet!

I’m outside your jurisdiction Daisy, you’ll never catch me

HRTF lengthy thread in all its glory, but I think what might be the key hereis that @Endoftheroad12345 is a lawyer, and therefore has a very finely honed sensitivity to language. Therefore Jane, Jemima’s mum, seems presumptuous. As a fellow single mum I know how easy it is to get stuck in flying-solo mode.

But maybe Jane is not such a good communicator, and bashes out messages while flustered and multi-tasking, with no regard to tone, sub-text, meta-text, inference or nuance…. all of which things are legal bread and butter.

If you were never prepared to have your mind changed, why on earth do you care what anyone else thinks? What is the point of you posting? Your position is set, you don't care what anyone else thinks, and you're being pretty rude to anyone who dares to challenge you. Here for the attention, I guess.

Hey OP

Sorry I know you've had many replies. I do think you may have misjudged her bluntness as rudeness but I'd say because you don't actually know her it could he just how she is. She may be anxious too leaving her kid alone for time first time and wanting to scope things out first.
Your reply to her was perfectly fine, she had a think about it and all sorted.
I don't think she was rude or certainly meant to be rude. I would err on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt based on a very short text exchange which as we know can always get misconstrued.

I hope the party goes well and your DD has a great time.

YANBU, I'm in Australia and the norm is that the party is for the kids only.

The text messages the concerned mother sent were not in any way rude or presumptuous and required no analysis.