To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I don’t want to pile on as we all do things differently. But I’ve never been to a child’s party where there was only one person “doing it”. Maybe a sleepover but not a proper child’s party. Most will not find this an unusual ask.

Okay, that’s great to hear.

Seems likely that you have not come across on this thread in a way that is true to your life, which can obviously happen on online forums. At least you can rest assured of this and not take any criticism levelled at you here personally.

She didn’t say please

Good grief!

For anyone else who's been wondering.

So bolshy.

I was! Not loving it but think it would look very pretty on the party table.

I remember LOVING it as a child … I had some recently and was underwhelmed 🥺

I didn't read the mother's texts as rude at all.
Just interested, friendly, helpful and mindful of her child.
If I were you, I would accept the offer of Jemima's Mum staying.
Most parties at home do allow for parents to stay.
You will enjoy the party more yourself if there are other adults there.
Send her a text saying that Jemimaand her mother are both welcome and you might use her to help set up food etc.

White bread, marge and hundreds and thousands? Eck.

May be she messaged you after checking in with the childcare practitioners where your children have met. Having got a vibe of not being able to listen/take advice, or respond to others’ needs that are different to your own.

This

@Endoftheroad12345 you are brilliant. You peaked at the pegging joke 😃

I think at this age it’s very reasonable not to share a diagnosis like autism especially if the child concerned has not been told and the risks of them overheating something from a another child, friend, relative or even sibling could have profound consequences.

Op, I'm just wondering if you could answer my question regarding whether or not you put on your invitations that it would only be you alone looking after so many children?

If you didn't then why on earth not? .... As people would then have the choice whether or not to allow for their kids to go to a party where they couldn't possibly be adequately supervised.

I'm going to give OP a break here.

Keep in mind its just a kids party (no offence OP!)

I wouldn't want ;parents hanging around either. If OP thinks she can handle it, let her crack on. It might be fine, it might not. It'll be a learning lesson!

Its up to OP if she wants parents hanging around. If not, the parent can decline the invitation if it doesn't suit.

The only thing I would say OP, the last line of your text reads as if you don't care if the kid attends, which is a bit rude. If I had that text, I would be sticking two fingers up at you and ignore you too.

Thank you so much for noticing, felt
like that one got lost 🤣

I'm just imagining this from the other mother's point of view. Perhaps Jemima has been a bit of a handful at another party and the Mum wanted to supervise. Perhaps Jemima does better when she is given an idea of what to expect at a party.

It's a bit sad when a simple question is portrayed as demanding and imposing.

I think this thread is hilarious. All the posters imposing the norms they are used to on your situation despite you telling them drop and run is the norm in your circles.

I particularly liked the poster telling you that because you hadn't sent out the invitations 6 weeks in advance you had obviously forgotten about the birthday and were organising last minute. This is of course added proof that you are a heartless career focused woman whose children are completely neglected.

I find the whole party thing on MN quite bizarre. Admittedly, my dc are adults now but parties were always drop and run from when they started school, including the two ds26 had in week 1 of school and neither he nor I knew anyone in the class. Organised parents sent invitations in to school on the Monday for a weekend party, while the less organised ones could arrive the day before.

However, the comments about the insanity of having large numbers of small children in your house has a ring of truth to me. I had ds26's 5th party at home, also in winter. All the boys were, on a individual basis, perfectly nice, polite and well behaved. However, when you put them together, they became a group (15 of them!!!) of whirling dervishes. I ended up on hospital in premature labour that evening. I outsourced his birthday parties from then on.

OP, I think you were perfectly reasonable in your messages. JM was a little abrupt, although she may have been unintentional so rather than deliberately rude. I hope the party goes well and your house survives. Much more likely with a girls' party in my experience. Although I do think 3 hours is insane. Two is plenty.

Yes fair enough, so you need to manage that yourself if you’re unable to disclose why you need various accommodations

hey guess what Daisy you’re not my boss, nor are you a health and safety inspector so I don’t think I need to fill out your internet checklist

I sympathise OP.
My kids are adults now, but when they were younger and I had the odd at home party and there was always one parent who stayed and not because of additional needs. It was super awkward trying to make small talk with a parent who was only there to police the situation.

Totally agree. It's as if the OP has a fear of being flexible in case it comes across as weakness.

You’ve only got the texts to go on, you can’t phone her up to gauge punisher levels but risking inviting a punisher in when you’ve got fairly bread and, according to this thread, frantic scromiting to deal with… could’ve been a disaster.

she’s prob perfectly nice, tho judging from this thread potentially English

Premature labour!!!! That takes the (unicorn themed) cake! was everything ok??

Yes I agree with you re 2 hours. 3 hours seems to be the norm now here, presumably because all of us heartless career women want to max out the free childcare from the drop n run parties 😂

tough call for me between pegging and the internet one but I think internet won because of the person who didn’t get it