To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

😂😂

😂 I’m a member of a universally beloved profession well known for its very collaborative approach to conflict

Your attitude is astonishing and I can only imagine you spend far more time working than you do being a mum as you are trying to run a children's party like a business meeting. From the overwhelming number of replies you have received suggesting you are the unreasonable one perhaps you need to take stock?

Well you aren't giving that impression sounds like you are used to delegating the role and have no idea how things are done!

Is that right?

I wasn’t aware it was possible to delegate motherhood. Do you say such things to working fathers?

It's not a matter of just running things alone! I'd say most people could easily look after all those kids, PROVIDING those kids didn't have potential toilet accidents, potential sickness episodes, potential fights with other kids, potential injuries from anything, potential choking issues, the list goes on!

It's a matter of being not daft enough to know that there's so many unexpected events that could go wrong, especially with young children. I truly can't believe that clearly the OP and those agreeing with her can't work this out.

I wouldn't leave my 6 year old at the home of someone I didn't know.
I was always glad to have any mums or dads who wanted to stay - I didn't 'host' them - I put out a bowl of grown up nibbles and offered a glass of wine (which no one ever accepted and I had after the party!!) No problem at all.

You have come across as very hard work and high maintenance, with a penchant for taking offence at absolutely nothing.

Some people think themselves edgy when they're really just unpleasant.

It doesn't matter (at all) if you think dropping 6 year olds off to a strange house and a strange woman is normal, lots of parents would not be ok with that. Their feelings and opinions on the subject are equally valid to yours and when it comes to their children their feelings and opinions trump yours.

But despite that, the poor woman you were gossiping about here said nothing even remotely rude, she just asked a couple of polite questions.

You're wrong. You are absolutely completely 100 percent wrong from start to finish. And the fact that more than 600 women have told you that you're wrong and you are still snarking and talking down to everyone just reinforces you coming across as unpleasant and lacking in self awareness.

As you were willing to uninvite a little girl because her mother might have mildly inconvenienced you, and seem unable to understand or care one bit that you put a loving, caring mother in a shitty position - drop her kid off knowing she will be nervous without her mother for support or make her kid miss out - you should really try to avoid spending time around other people's children where possible.

In future, reconsider hosting birthday parties for children. It's very definitely not your area of expertise. Inherent in caring for other people's children is caring about other people's children and their feelings, and the feelings of their parents.

This has absolutely nothing to do with boundaries, or competence, or any other fable you tell yourself. You're just not a nice person, and children will pick up on that.

I hope the party goes well for the sake of the girls, and the one poor little nervous girl who you don't give a single solitary damn about has a nice time anyway.

Having read all these messages, I have come to the conclusion that the OP is not a very nice person at all. Calling someone ‘fucking rude’ in a post is unforgivable.
i wouldn’t leave my child with this poster in a hundred years and I feel sorry for her children.

Glad it’s all sorted as far as Jemima’s concerned and looks like she can come.

You seem extremely defensive OP though and would be worth asking yourself why? You were very quick to take unnecessary offence at Jemima’s mum’s message. You were also easily angered by the poster who said they would assume lawyers lacked experience being at home with their children.

Your first line of defence is attack, then changed to the use of humour and sarcasm to deflect criticism and turn the tables.

I find it interesting that you feel threatened by having another adult in your home while you run the party (which you insist you will be able to handle just fine) and that even though you have a nanny and parents nearby, your initial plan was to run the party alone.

I wonder if the anonymous internet poster who accused you of being a hands-off patent has hit a nerve, because this something you wish to avoid becoming and running this party is proving this to yourself as much as to others (you say you have therapy, perhaps your own childhood wasn’t as you’d wish, and you have insecurities about the childhood you are giving your own children?) You feel on the back foot because of the rushed arrangement of the party and fear the judgement of others, keeping them at arm’s length. You prefer to be independent, and in control.

Not a bad way to be necessarily, but being willing to be a bit vulnerable with other people helps to build friendships.

Obviously I may be way way off the mark. But even if so maybe helpful in understanding the way you come across to me.

I find it odd too. When school boiler broke as I happened to have the day off and various people were stuck I had 14 5-8 year olds from 8-9am-3-5pm to help out friends & neighbours on my own. It was absolutely fine. We set up some different, low mess play stuff in kids rooms and living room and I popped in between them. For a couple of hours it’s the set up for the party that’s hard work but the hosting part is usually pretty easy

This is a crazy thread!

My DS is 19 but parties were all drop and run from age 4, at my place and for parties he went to. And I would have found the questions from Jemima's mum irritating and precious.

And congrats on being a senior lawyer - it's a real achievement!

really unreasonable. Six is still young but it’s the fact the parents don’t know you. A lot of people wouldn’t want to leave a six year old at a house they don’t know the family🤷🏼‍♀️ saying hi in passing to the dad is basically a stranger still. Agree that there may also be more with the child, she might be anxious or have some additional needs also. The mother was not being rude she was being polite in the way she asked and simply was asking for detail as to the plan. Really, she was just being a good parent. Also, a lot of people would be uneasy leaving their kids in such a large group with one adult. A party is totally different to a day at school, and an accident is more likely to happen. Your previous experience of parties dosent really have relevance to this one if there is an accident and you are on your own with so many children. It’s up to yourself as it’s your party but it’s a bit irresponsible having people on standby that are available to help rather than just having the adults there in the first place. I wouldn’t count the entertainer as a spare adult to help or rely on them to entertain the kids to the point you won’t need to intervene in any mischief! I do hope your little girl has a nice birthday and the party goes well. I definitely wouldn’t think badly of the other mum though for asking!

Better having a 'random' mum there than nobody at all

For the record

I have zero - but zero insecurities about my skills as a mother and the childhood my kids are having. I am an awesome mother. I am totally committed to my children. They come first in everything I do.

I’ve had therapy because their father was (is) a horrible human being and I took the very courageous decision to leave him when they were little to make sure they had the best possible life and childhood they could. I think I am doing a great job of that. My kids are happy and settled and loved and want for nothing. Very few children are lucky as they are.

I’m not threatened by having another adult in my home, I don’t have room for her and I don’t want to add one more job (managing an unknown adult) to my plate on a busy day.

I don't have children so not been in this situation, but I can say I am a child of the 70's and had a birthday party every year at home, until the age of 13. No parent ever asked to stay with their child, or even what the plan was!

Autism - You barely see a post without Autism being either assumed or mentioned {UK} It has absolutely boomed in recent years.

Maybe NZ is different.

https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/autism-rates-by-country

Sounds like it will work out great and op I reckon we’d be great mates!

Problem is, I reckon the poor little girl will have been asked by her mum if she wants to go, and got all excited and said yes. And then her mum was put in a horrible position - drop her off to maybe be anxious and scared or disappoint her and try to explain why.

I feel such compassion for that mum and little girl, when I see a nervous or upset child I just want to comfort them and make them feel safe. I cannot come close to imagining having the attitude of the OP. It's completely alien to me.

Autism itself hasn't boomed, awareness of it has. Thankfully.

Also all these posters flinging “you need therapy” at me like it’s some sort of insult. No shit. Everyone needs therapy 😂 If you think that’s insulting you’re revealing yourself

Yep, fair enough.

You don’t want children with SEND to inconvenience you- it’s good that Jamima’s mum knows this upfront so that if her child does have additional needs (which is an obvious reason for her needing a parent to stay with her) she will know that you and your daughter aren’t going to be good friends for them and they can avoid you in future.

I much prefer to find out who is going to be an ableist nightmare upfront than I don’t waste my time on them.

I don’t have room for her and I don’t want to add one more job (managing an unknown adult) to my plate on a busy day.

This is 100% fine, OP. It’s your home, your party, your time and your effort. It’s really just about the immediately hostile attitude towards another parent, whose little girl you are hosting so she presumably has a lovely time at your party. Can you not see how your level of hostility has been excessive?

DS’ 4th birthday party was at a community hall with approx 20 kids - I ran it with DD then 6 months strapped to my front with no help from anyone.

My dc has a friend with a mum like you. Her bar for what is ok/normal is simply different to mine. I once picked up my dc from a party she hosted just like you've described above. It was utter bedlam, they were all hyper and lots were misbehaving as a result. She thought it was great, they were all having a whale of a time etc

She was utterly oblivious to the fact that 2 kids were crying quietly, 1 child had been the loos for ages to escape the chaos and was also quite upset, 2 or 3 little boys were fighting in a sweaty mess on the floor. She just saw a big group of kids "having fun" but the children were not well supervised and the more introverted children were miserable. She herself quite enjoys the noisy chaos but lots of children don't!!