To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Honestly I was always delighted at being able to drop and run. I would usually go and have coffee on my own somewhere - heaven. If the hosting parent doesn’t mind, I’m ok with that.

But.... the OP may find that alot of the parents just assume they are staying. At that age from memory more than half the parents would stay as routine without even asking me and some would drop and run.

you are talking with too much common sense, the opposite of what this thread is about 😂

How dare a mother ASK instead of assuming.

Mind boggles.

@Calliopespa was my first post on the thread but okay.

Really these two texts were intrusive????

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

If I wasn't comfortable leaving my 6 yo, I just wouldn't or I would ask very politely if I could stay for a bit to settle them in.

Isn’t that basically exactly what the mum did? 🤔🤔

A lawyer should be able to accept when they've been overruled

Sorry I’m not following? Have I replied to you in error?

DD was invited to her first birthday party when she had just started Junior Infants (she was 4). There was a bouncy castle in the back garden. The other parents dropped and ran and I would have been happy to do the same. However, DD got very tearful and clingy when I told her I was heading off. Either I stayed with her or I brought her home. The other Mam was very kind and said I could stay. She offered me a cuppa. I made a few attempts to leave but DD got upset every time. She was perfectly happy playing in the garden, so long as she knew I was in the house. It was really awkward for me, having to make small talk with the birthday girl's parents and grandparents. But I'm grateful to the mother for inviting me to stay. DD doesn't have any special needs and some of the kids had attended her creche since they were infants, so she knew them well. She was just a bit anxious about being left on her own, in an unfamiliar setting and with strange people in charge. The following year (same party, same bouncy castle) I was able to drop and run just like the other parents. That year had made all the difference in terms of DD's self-confidence.

I get that the children in OP's scenario are 6 so a bit older, but I wouldn't have any issue with any parent staying and I don't think it was rude of the parent to ask.

I do think it's mad of you to host a party for 15 six year olds without any helpers. I did a party at home once and it was bedlam. The kids were all hyped up on sugar (with the benefit of hindsight, soft drinks were probably a bad idea 😀). They were fine while the party entertainer was there but when she left, they got a bit rowdy. We didn't have any major mishaps but one child got a splinter in their finger and there were the inevitable spilt drinks etc. And rows over toys. And incessant questions - usually from two or three children simultaneously. My respect for teachers went up 1000%. Then I'd a massive mess to clear up after the party. The following year I booked a play centre!

But as the host I'd rather than be someone of my choosing, who I know well and who I know will be there to help me rather than just their child.
So it would be someone from my family or close friends.
Nit a random mum I don't know.

Sorry OP but you sound incredibly tense and intolerant. My own DD6 would probably have some questions about a party and lots of kids need a bit of prepping. Parties can also make a lot of kids anxious on the day as usual dynamics are different. Also- her DD is not part of the overall group as she is a separate friend from after school care, so she might feel a bit more unsure. Don't host parties for 6 year olds if you don't want their parents to ask anything or maybe want to stay with their child to help them navigate tricky social stuff. You sound very dismissive of perfectly reasonable questions and you are defintiely BU.

For what it's worth we are having 12 six and seven year olds for a birthday party next week. We've put 'we strongly encourage you to drop off and leave your child' - two mums have indicated they are uncomfortable doing so at this age and would like to stay and we've said that is fine and they are very welcome to stay. So yes I think this is quite normal and you are probably being a little unfair. You are very far from the recommended adult to child ratios for this age which I think is a minimum of one adult to four children.

I wouldn't be happy to drop off my DC at that age with someone that I had never met and when we invited someone who hasn't been to our house before and I hadn't met the mum I let her know she was welcome to stay in case she would be uncomfortable to leave her kid. Others had all had playdates before so didn't need it though one other mum did stay and was actually helpful with extra adults. Also my autistic DC would actually want to know the plan especially if I was thinking of leaving. Maybe she could have worded it nicer but text chat is difficult to judge

You set the boundaries of what you're comfortable with in your own home at your own child's party. If people don't like it they have the option not to come. It's not difficult. Not sure why people are getting so het up over it.

YABU, a party with 15 6 year olds should have more than one adult present, the girl may be shy, clingy or have additional needs, the mother may have her own reasons for not leaving her child in strange houses, other parents might assume they can stay too anyway, sounds like you are being too rigid about this.

No, we don’t. That's exactly why the parent of a young child with a potential problem might well want to be at the party so they could prevent, or deal with, any such problem without having to bother the hostess.

Or they could just say to the host, “Tarquin has a nut allergy/allergic to horses/ clown phobia, will that be a problem? Happy to stay with him if that would be helpful”

A bit more constructive than “Can I have some detail about the plan? Thanks :)”

Don't host a party for 6 year olds if you can't handle a few reasonable questions or don't expect a couple of parents to stay.

It would definitely be the norm that in a group of 6 year olds some would need a parent there, at least to help them settle.

Nope not the same at all. She assumes staying for the whole party and didn't say please

Your assumption about other mums is sad. The idea that she wouldn’t help and would be a ‘random I have to host as well’ is a really odd way to describe a fellow parent.

I’ve stayed because DD is autistic - I have no reason to reveal that to you, it’s our diagnosis to choose who we share it with and it’s personal information - but why would would you assume mums won’t help.

Weird and negative assumption. I’ve helped constantly at all the parties I’ve stayed at.

Give people the benefit of the doubt occasionally?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP but seems that’s an unpopular opinion.

I did something similar when my older DD was 5 - made it clear it was a drop off and that there would be plenty of adults (family) there to supervise. Still ended up with a couple staying, but majority were happy to drop and go.

I agree it becomes hard work when you’re having to factor in other adults!

She doesn't sound rude. You sound rude.

How exactly would you help me in my home when we don’t know each other, you’ve never been here before and you don’t know where anything is.

If you choose not to share your child’s medical information that’s your prerogative but you can’t then get shitty that people don’t accommodate a condition they know nothing about.

Crikey OP, you come across as very unsympathetic and inflexible. I think the Mum's messages were fine and reading between the lines you can see exactly where she's coming from. Your determination to be right is startling.

I would let the mother come along.
The child might have attachement issues or who knows.
Surely someone can step in and help...cousin? Friend?
The mum could be a breath of fresh air, if not its limited time frame to cope with it all.

I don’t think I’m “right” as such - I’m perfectly willing to acknowledge some people think my position is unreasonable, and that’s ok. I’m just not prepared to change my mind (on parents staying that is - will make sure my mum comes along to have an extra adult here although she won’t be any help … she can hand out fairy bread I guess)

So just for clarity, what do you do for a living OP? I don’t think you’ve mentioned it.