To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I don't think she will be attending due to her mum being anxious leaving her. 6 is young.
She wasn't rude at all, just a conscientious parent.

I'm 100% with you OP. The texts from Jemima's mum were a bit intrusive.

If I wasn't comfortable leaving my 6 yo, I just wouldn't or I would ask very politely if I could stay for a bit to settle them in.

And while some women on here seem to be daunted and overwhelmed by hosting, not everyone is and many of us are fully capable of running things by ourselves.

there isn’t a bloody mumsnet equivalent in and, that is a fact, the bit about the internet is a joke.

I feel my will to live ebbing away

Nope noway would I leave a small child in a hall with 20 kids and one adult.

I'm beginning to think we're being played!

Any scouts, kids activities anything my kids have been to have had more than one adult around if it's 20 people.

it's not the done thing NOT to where I am.

So the reasonable advice would be to ... ASK.

Which is what the mum did. And now she is getting abuse for it. Wow.

I like you OP. Glad you stuck to your guns.

literally what the other mum, but you are calling her intrusive.

How on earth does this work 😂

You're hilarious OP. Some Mumsnet posters get quite irritated when someone isn't reduced to a quivering self-doubting mess by their ad hominem attacks. It's all "set boundaries" "don't be a mug" "how can anyone be such a wet lettuce" until you've set boundaries and are not a mug or are indeed a crisp lettuce and then you're either a bitch or there's ever more far-fetched reasons thrown out why your course of action is potentially lethal.

Hope the party is good and the clownfairy is funnymagical.

Oh please. There was every need. This has been a super catty thread.

Op well done for setting a boundary for yourself - and guess what it worked!!

The mum was a bit pushy with the questions and could have asked in a better way with an explanation.

But the absolute BS on this thread 🤣

The overwhelming response here is that you are being unreasonable.
At a 6 year olds party I would expect most to drop and go but a few parents to stay.
Your attitude to the other parents reasonable questions about a party with a parent and house she is unfamiliar with is bizarre.

I suspect some people on MN have very different senses of humour. There are some very banal threads on here which have people snorting their drinks out and waking babies due to the hilarity. It was obvious you were joking about the internet.

Agree with @FairyBreadQueen .
Need to google 🧚‍♀️ bread

Well she didn’t really. That sort of text would involve saying they have concerns for their dc in particular. The text just said “ what’s the plan?” Then the second asked to stay but still gave no explanation.

I am quite confident in setting boundaries. So confident in fact that I wouldn't need to start a thread on MN about it 😂

There's really no need to be so rude and unpleasant about it, and the weird attitude from the OP and the couple of posters gushing how "amazing" she is tells me neither of these people are confident in real life.

There's too much drama, too much projecting about a perfectly innocent and polite text. When you are confident enough, you don't need to be "a bitch" but you are actually quite chilled out.

Having children involves accommodating situations you wouldn't choose to eg having unknown parents hang around. This is part of parenting, it sounds like you are incredibly inflexible and unreasonable.

@theowlwhisperer who's gushing? I said she's funny because I think she's funny. Calm down. You sound quite insecure about it.

I have no real opinion on the OP's interaction with the other mum so didn't give one, but it is nice to see someone refusing to be beat down by how horrible and silly people can be on here these days, so I said that.

I am quite confident in setting boundaries. So confident in fact that I wouldn't need to start a thread on MN about it

If you're so confident why are you telling me about it, on that basis. Insecure.

All my children’s parties were drop of and run at that age but there would definitely have been more adults helping. Grandmas and husband.

OP I’m sad you’re in NZ as I want to meet you and have a drink.
I don’t think you were U at all.
Who wants a random hanging about getting in the way not helping?

Had a parent come on a school trip recently, (the expectation was for help). They were no help whatsoever and actually made the day harder for the rest of the staff.

Funnily enough I’d feel better about a home. I guess because it would feel
more secure, the parent would know of any quirks with the hot tap, escape holes in the garden wall etc .

I felt a bit challenged the first time I realised parents were leaving the party when my eldest was in reception, but mostly because at nursery we had stayed and I was not expecting it, but it became the norm.

thank you for proving my point. The ones complaining about the drama ARE the drama 😉

Your occupation is totally irrelevant. We've all read the stories of children being abused by priests, teachers and other so called respectable people in the community. Enjoy the party.

I think you are wrong OP and her messages doesnt sound as CFery for me. It seems that you are lucky as your child is typically developing and hasn't got any issues. I dont think Jemima's mum did anything wrong when asked you about plans and possibility to come. It seems her 6 y.o. struggles to go unprepaired in unfamilar envirinment (your house) with unfamilar adults (you) and maybe struggles with certain activities. It is very naive of you to assume that any 6 y.o. will be ok with these. However it's absolutely up to you how to respond and handle this. It just showed what kind of person you are (as any our actions in life) I hope somewhere down the line you will be in the situation when empathy and understanding of others will be vital to you and you will remember how you've treated Jemima's mum. It was very cold hearted.

@theowlwhisperer no drama and I haven't complained about anything. You seem much more worked up about it, honestly, but if you think I've proved your point and that makes you happy. I'm glad. You come across like you could use a bit of a win to be honest. Have a good day.

That’s definitely what I think.