To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

@Calliopespa

that’s wild. Maybe it just varies from school to school. Perhaps all it takes is one parent to start the trend.

I’d feel more comfortable about dropping off to a village hall/play centre type party than someone’s house that I didn’t know.

Good luck op. I'm quite confident hosting a gaggle of children without lots of adults to "help" too. Some people are more comfortable and confident with it than others, as evidenced by some of the pearl clutching on this thread.

Plenty of us are capable of looking after and supervising more than 15 children.

However would I want to be the only adult responsible for 15 young children for 3 hours at a birthday party, absolutely not.

Lawyers know full well they are not treasured … until needed! Then un-treasured when the invoice goes out…

JEMIMA IS IN THE SAME CLASS

She clearly said she has other adults close by to call on if necessary.

@Endoftheroad12345 I hope it goes well, seems sorted now

In Surrey, parents don't. Not to someone they have never even met. Parties in a public setting are a bit different.

I want to know if the house where I drop my kids has dogs for a start, and I have 2 dogs myself.

Depends how organised the person who is sending out the invitations is! Not just swimming though…could be anything… we were invited to a party once which we thought was going to be at someone’s home - oh no, ended up being a mission to a dry ski slope followed by a trip on a rollercoaster (no indication at all on the invitation)!

From the other side, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my young child at the home of someone I had never met.
My child has additional needs, and feels anxious about parties.
I would want to be there if my child became distressed.
I wouldn't want another parent to have to deal with my child's distress.
There will always be a background story of why someone feels uncomfortable with something.

No because I am not the one taking offence at it?

Thanks for making my morning, OP! Your responses have made me laugh out loud! If you were in the UK I'd ask if we could have coffee, as you sound like my sort of person.

I think it's odd to ask what the plan is for a 6 year old's birthday party that is obviously taking place at someone's home. I would just assume it would be the usual party games/play with toys/run around outside if the rain lets up, followed by cake. It's not a military training exercise! And FWIW, parties were a mix of drop off and parents staying from age 5+ with my DS and his friends. Parties at people's hosues were always drop off; parties at public places like a bowling alley tend to have the option of parents staying (most do, because it's a pain in the arse to drop off, get home again then turn around and go back all for a 2hr party).

In the same way they don't like strong, clearly spoken women here, they just don't get fairy bread! I've tried at 2 parties and the kids ignore it totally and the parents view it with suspicion and disgust! Hope it goes down better at your party!

You are quite rude you know. The poster suggesting you might have got a more appropriate answer on an NZ wasn't remotely implying any slight about NZ. There was no need for the sarky comment about the internet.

depending on the practice in the area the other parents will just make themselves comfortable on the sofa come in and stay. or drop and run.

😂😂😂😂😂
Me too! You're great OP.

I’m from the UK and a lot of birthday parties my 6 year old goes to, parents either have the choice to stay or are required to. I’ve also dropped DD off at a few parties when requested by parents. If it was a parent I didn’t know well, I think I’d ask too, but ultimately it’s your rules OP and sounds like it’s all worked out now. Hope the party is a success and your girl has a fab time.

The entertainer!!! 🤡 🧚‍♀️!!!

This. Fgs.
Through three kids in primary school, I never stayed for a house party. It's not the done thing.

This thread is gloriously mumsnet.

I'm autistic and these sorts of threads really highlight for me how tricky it often is to communicate with some (presumably) NT women. All you have to do is ask for clarification of something or a question and the other person might (they are not all like this of course) jump to all sorts of ridiculous assumptions about you and read all sorts of things into a basic statement. And take such offense! Even if you make an effort to word the message nicely like the mum did.

Also having any sort of need outside what's considered the norm and as a result being treated as an inconvenience (or worse) to someone for basic adjustments is quite common.

I'm past caring if people find me 'rude and weird' if I'm being direct but polite, if they cause a load of drama because I ask a question that's entirely on them.

Luckily this means I don't end up with people like OP in my life 😂

@theowlwhisperer

want to know if the house where I drop my kids has dogs for a start, and I have 2 dogs myself

My kids are a bit older now (15 and 11) and in all these years they've gone to friends houses and parties I don't know those kind of details about their friends houses.

And no one has ever asked me for details either.

I'd feel very uncomfy leaving my kid with you. Since as you said you are a "random".

I've had play dates before at lovely houses... that contain aggressive dogs

I've been to parties before with creepy husbands

I've been on play dates before where the husband advices his kid to "punch that annoying kid in the head"

My son has been on a sleepover where the boys decided to "climb on the garage roof because it was allowed in friends family"

JEMIMA IS IN THE SAME CLASS

Well, she's clearly not getting invited to the same parties as you is she, if she's never had to leave Jemima alone before?

DS’ 4th birthday party was at a community hall with approx 20 kids - I ran it with DD then 6 months strapped to my front with no help from anyone.

It’a certainly not the most relaxing way to spend a day, but when you have spent two decades married to an unpleasant and useless man, things like birthday parties become joyful and easy - because you don’t mind the fact that you are doing it alone and you’re not dealing with a useless grumpy husband. Honestly a gaggle of cute 5& 6 year old girls in my home is a joy. I just don’t have capacity (literal or metaphorical) to deal with an unknown adult.

Then she needs to explain that. Can't expect the world to accommodate her without an explanation.

Tbf we did for nursery parties but that’s because they haven’t all learnt full potty training or managing food etc.

By reception we dropped and ran. If they can cope five full days a week in a school classroom with one teacher an a TA they can cope for three hours with an entertainer and a mum.

Oh and since you think it's relevant I have a wonderful job and live in a lovely part of Sussex 🙄