To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

the second bit about that Jemima then may not be able to come to me would have sounded like you’re uninviting her
@Endoftheroad12345
it sounded to me right from the start that you didn't like Jemima and didn't want her there and your constant 'she doesn't need to come' comments reinforce that impression. Poor little girl, I wonder what she's done to upset so much?

@KarenOH because the other parents know OP and are all part of the same social circle where these parties are the norm...The other mother is the outsider and explained she wasn't used to drop off.

OP, you sound weird and rude! Have you thought about counselling sessions? I've had a couple of parties at my house for the children and it wasn't a big deal. The parents stayed and helped out. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Really interesting as a UK parent reading the general party etiquette for kiwi parents. The drop and run for school drops as well. I've noticed other parents doing this at our school from different cultures and being surprised and then a bit envious. 🤣

Thinking back, my mum did whole class parties at our house and the mums didn't all stay, culture here seems to have shifted!! I did a 5 party for my eldest's class at home and pretty much every parent stayed. 😱 It was bonkers busy despite there being plenty of space for everyone. But I'd not have left mine at someone else's house then either so I'd been expecting it. If I'd had a smaller space I'd not have had it at home.

Good luck op. I'm quite confident hosting a gaggle of children without lots of adults to "help" too. Some people are more comfortable and confident with it than others, as evidenced by some of the pearl clutching on this thread.

At our London prep drop off parties started in reception.

i know this issue is resolved now but I used to find it hard when parents stayed too. I could go into ''Performer'' mode and corral the kids from table to garden to games if there were no adults staring at me! It worked better if there mums weren't there to say, no not you honey, you don't have to play this game now if you don't want to. You stay at the table and finish the cake if you want! then the other kids think ''oh, following the MC is optional?''

On the contrary, it was the dd who didn’t want her; op thought she should.

Jemima seems fine. It was me who suggested inviting her because she seems like a nice girl that DD plays with at after school care.
I don’t socialise much with mothers at school but know a few of them (slightly) better through other parties. I know one quite well but her child has since changed schools.

One thing I am bemused at is how many people have the idea that I have a perfect and superior house when one of the main reasons I’m not keen for JM to stay for 3 hours is because it’s too small when the weather is shit (which it is 24/7 currently) and there will be literally nowhere for her to sit.

What has that got to do with anything? Where is the link between being the only person out of 10, 100 or 1000 to ask politely for details about somewhere your child has been invited to go, with being demanding or judgemental? You could potentially argue it's unusual given nobody else asked (although it sounds like the other parents potentially know this woman better, so maybe not a fair comparison), but where is the logic behind "only parent to ask = automatically judgemental and demanding"?

Yeah I’m surprised at the posters saying drop off parties aren’t a thing in the uk! They are where I am in the uk, from end of reception/ year 1. So 5/6.

you sound very hard work and generally up your own arse. I’d say no to letting my kid go to your house based on that rude/odd text you sent.

It was a rather unnecessary detail, but I suspect it's the rude and aggressive replies from the OP that have perpetuated it.

I think Jemima's mum is probably quietly pleased that she doesn't have to stay, unless she's on MN and reading this rubbish.

I have had a lot of therapy and as a result I’m now quite comfortable setting boundaries and unfazed when strangers on the internet tell me what a mean bitch I am

Removed because it seems like a pile on now

Yep mine too.

both the boys school and the girls school.

Well this thread has been thoroughly entertaining whilst I've had my morning brew.
I think after dealing with some of the responses in this thread, the OP will be very prepared for the clown fairy chaos party.
I hope your DD has a lovely birthday (and enjoy the gin in the bathroom).

I don't know ANYONE who leaves a primary school child in the house of parents they have never met

In Scotland everyone (unless
There are additional needs) drops their child at parties from P1 (age 5) and sometime those parties are in houses.

I think youve made a load of assumptions about someone you dont know to have responded as you did.

It is highly likely you won't get on if you read rudness in her message.

I personally didnt see it as rude.

You have a lot on and sound too highly strung for it to be a nice exp for her to stay. Btw, she wouldnt want to stay and be waited on, crickey she's a mum too you are taking the fact that she said nothing to mean she'll do nothing. She's dodged a bullet imo.

I hope the kids all have fun and it goes without any more unecessary drama.

YABU.

Is she though? Or is it the thread that is? Because it seemed to me she took a decision, said she hadn’t planned on having parents stay as space was limited, and then checked here for perception check that she had erred on the right side with her decision. Cue strings of insults remarking she is superior because she mentioned being a lawyer etc, uncaring about SEN issues or deathly allergies she hadn’t been told the child had ( and it turns out seems not to have) . And she’s stood up for herself. Isn’t that really what’s happened?

I'd actually think it was a really weird response from you tbh. Why the hell would you not want other parents there to help? How are you planning to adequately look after 15 children? Why do
You expect people to be comfortable with people leaving their children at a strangers house for three hours where the parents aren't allowed. I think jemima has had a lucky escape tbh

The thread has been quite entertaining but I have no idea in what world Jemima's mum's texts are rude. Anyway, it's hard work always looking for the worst in people - maybe assume that she meant well and let it go?

I cannot for the life of me understand how the text, as quoted by the OP, could be seen as anything but as a polite question?

The other 14 parents are in the same class, they most likely know each other a bit more?

The only drama is from the OP, not the 2 quick texts sent by a polite mum?

I don't get it, people get offended by the most minor things.

You're not comfortable have a "random" in your house who you think you'll need to babysit.
Can you not see that she might be uncomfortable leaving her child with a "random"? (which is what you are to her)

I don’t think op sounds weird and rude. Round here from school age drop and run is perfectly normal otherwise there’s 15 adults mooching round staring at you and wanting cups of tea.

15 children aged 6 sounds like a lot for one adult?!?! At that age some parents haven't left their child yet so I can see why the mum has asked to come. Especially since you're essentially a stranger. I probably wouldn't tell this mum you're gonna be alone with 15 kids. Could you rope in some help? What is your plan if we be child has an accident or you're needed to help one in the bathroom and the others are alone etc.