To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

You’re being unreasonable. But you don’t want to hear that so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yanbu. I don't see how she's annoyed you so much with that simple question. Also, you're planning on booking the entertainment a week before? Good entertainers are booked up weeks if not months in advance usually.

You'd definitely need a plan with one of my GC but to be fair having his mother there would just make it worse. Fear of clowns is a genuine phobia. I'd treat it like DIL did when she had an "animal encounter" at a birthday party - she warned parents there would be snakes and giant spiders as she realised that probably wouldn't work for all children - they did love it and the only problem was everyone wanted photos of them holding each animal which if you have 12 kids handling half a dozen different creatures is a job by itself.

🤣

Yes you’re right, I’m totally irresponsible.

wait til I tell you that kids at my DCs parties got unfettered access to sweets and soft drinks, I don’t care if they lick the icing off the fairy cakes and I serve wine to are ya at pick up.

I’m beginning to wonder if many of the views on this thread reflect the fact that posters suspect their own dcs would run riot rather than co-operating with the entertainment.

with the OP's attitude, I would secretly hope mine would 😂

This thread is strange. Had the mother sent 22 messages I could perhaps understand it. Two messages just checking the details is fine. For all she knew you might have been suggesting a swimming party when her daughter is terrified of water. What’s wrong with checking things out? Why the annoyance? Because she might sit there and expect you to talk with her? Is that really something to get annoyed about (when it might not even happen and you could manage the situation if it did)? You show very little insight into your own behaviour OP.

I don't think any of the messages are rude.

I would not feel comfortable leaving my daughter in a house for 3 hours without knowing the parents or who else could be there e.g. you could have a boyfriend there, a n older brother and his friends might be upstairs etc I think she is just being sensible whilst also not wanting her daughter to miss out.

But then drop off parties aren't really a thing in my experience until the kids are older like 9/10 so maybe it's just different in NZ.

I expect the OP to BE the entertainer and find a costume of a fairy or similar to be sure it's done perfectly to match her superior life and superior house😂

Jemima’s Mum very sweetly said this was all fine and she will drop Jemima off. So why keep going on about it? You are still making jokes about the texts as if Jemima’s mum was anything but polite and understanding. Yep, you sure are a conveyancer! It’s like dealing with the other side when it comes to searches and enquiries. 😶

The reason this has got peoples backs up is because of how you quickly labelled someone weird from two text messages. You then made the assumption she was rude for not replying… but lo and behold she did reply. And as I said, very sweetly! Jemima’s mum is obviously a worrier especially as Jemima has never done a party alone (as Jemima’s mum goes on to state). I don’t think your birthday party plans /drop off situation is weird, it was normal when I was a kid! What’s weird is you jumping on assumptions about Jemima’s mum. That’s all.

I would assume at 6 that parents would be staying anyway. I think you are being a bit unkind !

I know making scenarios up to criticise OP is AIBU101, but you honestly thought someone could reasonably assume their child was secretly invited to a swimming party when no mention of swimming gear was mentioned in the invitation?

I have loved this thread. OP I have found your responses increasingly brilliant as we went on. I totally love your confidence and humour.

from those two texts she sounds punishing

She only asked what was happening and if she could stay?

What would you have done if she hadn’t text back asking? Brought her child along and then said she was staying once inside your home.

Fortunately Jemima’s dad has met the OP a number of times.

I don't think I've ever known a 6 year old's party to be entirely drop off and leave (unless its at a dedicated activity venue with staff), I think I would have some concerns about one adult and 15 younger children in an unknown house (and I'm generally pretty relaxed).
I'm a Nanny, so I've been to far, far, far more children's parties than I would like.

"don’t want a second set of hands from someone I don’t know in my own home"

She dosn't want a set of hands from someone she doesn't know on her child.

You sound just lovely. I wouldn’t want to being my child to your home.

OP, hopefully you have left the thread and are party planning!
The only thing I would have changed is the reply on the later text -
I politely said I understood if Jemima wasn’t able to come.

I would have said it the other way round - that Jemima is welcome to stay and let me know if there's anything specific she may need.

The way you have be worded it , it's a bit like a brush off?

@Endoftheroad12345 I agree with@FiveShelties and @Singleandproud I’d want to know the plan especially never having met you and kindly, you do seem a bit confrontational (to be honest, it’s clear you’re used to doing stuff yourself, probably used to having to/being let down) but maybe this Mum could become a friend? Message her back and say ‘second thoughts, I could really use the help if you’re up for it? Just you and all those kids - if there’s a problem you need another pair of hands.

OP, did you put on your invitations that there'd be on average about 15 kids (if they all turn up) at the party, and that it'd only be yourself supervising them all?

I'd put money on it that you didn't.

Therefore, for all those saying drop and run parties are the norm, yes, maybe they are for some. However, I bet those same posters would only consider it the norm if they knew that there'd be more than one adult at the party!
I mean, how many of those agreeing with the OP would seriously think it's ok to leave their child with just one adult and so many kids? ..... I would bet that none of them would in reality!

I think the other mother is the inspirational one. She was direct and asked about a plan, whether she could attend and when told no it was a drop off, gratefully accepted and explained why she had initially asked to come. End result - her DD gets to attend a party and she got the information she needed to make the decision. No drama.

All done without needing to judge, sneer and be unpleasant about another mother on an internet site.

What a masterclass in being direct and honest without resorting to bitchiness, the other mother is.

I think that probably was it - especially with the clarification in the final text that she has never left Jemima before.

However I do think things would have been smoother had she said that upfront, that her concern was specifically for her dc, not with OP’s plans.

I have a background experience which might be influencing me in understanding how op took the texts. When I was about 11 a friend had a camp-out sleepover on her farm. Not far from the house, but still outside and my mum phoned ( in those days, no text!) and asked a few questions like “so will you be checking on them in the night?”
Anyway, this triggered a panic attack in the mum hosting because I guess we do feel the weight of having other people’s children entrusted to us. In fact it triggered such a panic that the party was almost cancelled, the mum decided she didn’t want to go ahead, and although it did in the end, my normally lovely friends were all chilly with me throughout the whole night as they were cross my mum had nearly had it cancelled by raising concerns. So it isn’t unusual for hosts of children to feel as though they are being subjected to a grilling. And if truth be told my mum was actually a bit dubious about it all so the host wasn’t wrong.

Can you please explain to me how it didn’t, bearing in mind 14 other parents felt no need to?

Bingo, "a woman isn't behaving how I want, let's call her a bitch"

Child may have SEN/ social anxiety. I don't think her texts are rude at all. She could come and help you. You're making a drama out of nothing, probably because you are stressed about other stuff. But you sound like you make life more difficult for yourself than it needs to be.