To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

@DancingNotDrowning you have articulated well what I was going to say!

As someone brought up and living in the UK I can't help but think we've lost our way a bit over here and spend too much time worrying about offending people and not really saying what we feel. (Well I do anyhow!)
@Endoftheroad12345 thanks for the inspirational posts and humour. Best thread I've read in ages!!

YANBU in not wanting other parents to stay, but YABVU in every other way.

"I suggested inviting this little girl [...] DD was ambivalent but invited her."
YABU to suggest/allow DD to invite friends she's "ambivalent" about; having invited 15 girls, it's not as if you had to make up the numbers.

"I will be the only adult at the party."
YABU not to get another adult to help eg one of your friends or a parent of one of DD's close friends who you get on with (do you get on with any of them?!)

"from those two texts she sounds punishing."
Eh?! There was nothing at all wrong with the texts. She was asking reasonable questions. The second text was brief and could have had a bit more to make it more polite - but so what?! It wasn't rude either.

"I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home."
Your attitude stinks. It's not "interrogation" to ask about plans. Some children are anxious and feel reassured if they know what to expect. And if the parent attended they would clearly be supervising their child, not you. Why do you immediately assume this is about you and not about the child and her needs?!

"I appreciate her child may have additional needs I’m not aware of but (a) they have the option of not attending the party and (b) she is ok to go to after school care without her parents there."
"I don’t care about her hypothetical needs or differences (which she hasn’t actually articulated). Not sure why I should massively inconvenience myself hosting Jemima’s weird rude mother when Jemima could just not come."

YABVVU here. You have actually stated that you don't care about the child's needs or accommodating her so she can be included - that is disablist and offensive. The child may or may not have additional needs, the mother is not obligated to disclose them immediately or at length just to justify very reasonable questions about the party. Sure, she could/should have given a bit more explanation, but she is not "weird" or "rude" because she chose not to. You describe her like that based on two text messages; you've never even met her. You are being very judgemental. Your assumption that a party wouldn't be an issue as the child attends after school club is massively ignorant. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or indeed a senior lawyer) to work out that a party at an unfamiliar place is very different from a regular after school club.

You are coming across as intolerant and judgemental. I have no problem with being direct and assertive but you are actually being rude about the mother and unkind in not wanting to include the child because it's some kind of "massive inconvenience". You're the one who decided to invite 15 6 year olds to your house and host them solo!

Let's hope the child does cope ok at the party and is not upset at any point, because her mother won't be there to look after her and you will clearly be too busy to be inconvenienced by having to look after her.

A few months ago, for my child's 7th birthday party at a venue, most parents dropped off their children and left, absolutely fine - but one child spent most of the party crying and tbh I wish the parent had stayed, I really felt for the child and there was only so much I could do to comfort him.

I can't see anything in the message that is treating you like a potential criminal? I think she was just asking what was planned to work out whether her child would be OK with it.

Yes there is. A clown/fairy. Which I agree sounds really disturbing. They are confirming with me if the fairy is available - if not, the clown is the back up option.

Wondering now if I should have set out those details in my texts 😂

Is there any reason in particular you don't want the additional help during the party? I don't understand why you're insisting on running it yourself even if you say you can handle it. I'd be questioning myself as a parent if I left my child at a party with so many other young children and only one adult, that seems bizarre to me. I know you said you have people a phone call away who could help but if you have two children having an emergency at the same time it won't be much help. And what if Jemima does struggle and have a meltdown? You'll have to divert all your focus onto her and what about the other children at the party then with nobody to supervise them?

@Spirallingdownwards - blimey you need to find more to do than be sanctimonious on MN. What an unpleasant post!

and here is a perfect example how Queen Bees recruit their little followers 😂

My gosh life must be exhausting for some people.

The abuse on a very polite and mild question is astonishing. Hilarious thread, even funnier when I suspect it's nothing like this in real life.

Her texts were polite and reasonable and I’m not sure what you are making a fuss about. When my DD was 6, we had a party at home with 11 girls. One of their mums asked if she could stay, it was fine and actually helpful to have an extra pair of hands. Although by age 6 most children are fine to be left at a party, a few aren’t, especially at a house they haven’t visited before. You don’t know what might be going on in that family’s life that might be making either the little girl shy or the mum cautious about leaving her in an unfamiliar place.

I suspect the party will be a disaster, but we'll never know because you seem like the type who won't ever admit to being wrong.🤷‍♀️

You sound insane to be honest. Ive never been to a party where we’ve been discouraged to stay, but would never drop off my daughters at a 3 hour party at a house of someone I didn’t know. Very different to childcare with vetted and qualified staff.

This party sounds like it’ll be a shambles 😂. If I had received that response from you I would have probs screenshot and sent to the other mums and asked if it was personal or if no one could attend which may explain the delayed response….

That’s exactly why the mum should have explained .

surely that should work both ways?

You are not sure about something, you... ASK? Do you expect people to start worrying about being abused for asking a very reasonable question.

Why is the OP so offended here?

not least because just imagine the opprobrium OP would face if she didn’t have a 93 point response plan to manage “child terrified by clown.

Honestly people, if you have a 6 year old child who attends school and aftercare without problem and you have concerns about their physical/psychological safety at a 3 hour home based birthday party, do the sane ones amongst us a favour and stay at home

15 6 year olds in the care of one adult? YABU.

I thought her message was just a genuine enquiry, didn’t read anything rude into it. Not sure how much info you put in the invite. I wouldn’t have left my 6 year old at a party alone. I’m pretty sure if I remember back parents always stayed at that age.

Personally if I didn't know the other parent, or even met them, I would also chose to stay with my child. I wouldn't expect to be "hosted" and doubt she is, but would just somewhere and help the host if needed. Also her dd may be nervous about going and asked her mum to stay with her.

Seriously? Do you vet the houses of every child who asks her to a party or just a playdate? I don't see how that's doable.

Exactly.

If there wasn’t an entertainer I’d have more sympathy for the melodrama. But the way entertainers have always worked IME is they … well.. entertain the children while OP can manage anyone who has been triggered to vomit etc.
I’m beginning to wonder if many of the views on this thread reflect the fact that posters suspect their own dcs would run riot rather than co-operating with the entertainment.

I can't see what is wrong with asking what the plan is, if you were going to do some sort of messy activity I'd not want to put DDs best dress on, my DIL would definitely need to know about the clown as she and GC have a phobia of clowns and trust me you wouldn't want a clown to be around when they arrived as it would cause chaos.

I think her final message shows she wasn't some sort of monster and your judgement was definitely a bit off.

I hope no one has a clown phobia and the party goes well.

I think your error op is in misjudging JMs motive.

Jm does not want to stay for:

• the pleasure of your company
• to spy/judge your party hosting skills
• the hope of a cup of tea/something stronger/a slice of cake

She isn't expecting you to host her. She knows you're running a party.

JM wants to stay in all likelihood because her kid is 6 and a bit shy, and JM doesn't really know you well etc, she's imagining her child crying in a corner somewhere unnoticed among the hullabaloo. She doesn't want to simply not send her kid because her kid won't want to miss the party!

Sorry but from your messages, you come across as the weird rude mother, not the other woman. As other people have said, trying to manage 15 excited six year olds on your own is madness, and I don't think I would have let my daughter go to a party with so little supervision at that age. I had a couple of parties at home when my daughter was very young, and a couple of parents wanted to stay - it really wasn't an issue and they mucked in and helped.

Would you really leave your child alone with an adult (who you had never met before) who was going to be in sole-charge of 15 6 year olds?

I don't know ANYONE who leaves a primary school child in the house of parents they have never met.

If you think that's a sane attitude to leave a child with a complete stranger, it's a bit of worry.

Do you also tell them it's ok to accept lifts from complete stranger who say they know their friend?

@Endoftheroad12345 I don’t think the parent was being pushy . I think she asked the plan so she knew whether it was a pick up and drop off or she had to say . You didn’t say in your response so she asked.

You have mentioned you don’t want an extra pair of hands that you don’t know so fair enough you stuck with your reply .
Maybe her daughter or the parent feel you are a a stranger . I wouldn’t take it personally it’s just a parent looking out for their child .

If the child isn’t going then the child isn’t going .
You sound a tad highly strung in your post . Maybe the stress of the party is making you sensitive .

Of course, it would be unreasonable not to tell the host why. They might even reply by saying my other half’s going to be there and he’s trained in first aid, and then I’d have a couple of hours off…

In any case it’s not a hill I’d choose to die on if I was OP.