To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

That was a self deprecating joke. I think it’s gone above you.

OP you sound amazing, I can’t believe you’re getting so much flak

but (a) they have the option of not attending the party

That's a bit shit to exclude this child just because you don't want to let her mum come. Yes it's a bit awkward and annoying but suck it up and be decent person.

and (b) she is ok to go to after school care without her parents there.

Child has a relationship with the school club. She doesn't know you.

If there are needs the club will know this. Mum might not want to share these with you. She doesn't know you. And you are t exactly giving off empathy signals.

She asked (politely imo), you said no. All good.

However I’m another one concerned at the ratio. It’s good that at least you’ve (reluctantly) conceded on this. Perhaps many of those just happily dropping off, would also have been concerned had they known.

OP, you sound very combative and unpleasant! Are you having a stressful time in your life? Maybe you should tone down the messages a bit, less defensive.

No, I don’t think so but thank you for the reply!

I would ask what the day entailed - who the hell just drops off a 5 year old at a strangers house?

DD atm has a massive fear of clowns - what would happen if there was a clown at your party? You would be dealing with my DD screaming until she vomited. You want to deal with that...alone?

You need to put your ego aside here.

This thread is fabulous.

OP you sound totally sane and normal and the insults and provocation from absolutely mad, humourless responders have been quite the read

Hope the party goes swimmingly

OP, if you can't handle two reasonable texts from someone who is just being polite, as she has a young child who barely knows you (neither does the mum), and wants to know what's happening re the party, I wonder about your social skills.

You don't come across as assertive, you sound paranoid and completely over the top.

There's no need to be so aggressive and have the attitude you have, and the fact that you feel the need to mention your job, when it's irrelevant in this case, does make you look as if you're somehow better than others, You're not.

In fact, you sound totally irresponsible and not very aware that it's obvious that single handedly trying to host a party for so many 6 year olds is crazy! ....

who the hell just drops off a 5 year old at a strangers house?

Everyone where I live. Completely normal once they start school.

Not random strangers though. School friends house.

And you don’t get any children who scream and vomit at a party entertainer.

Agree. This is about wanting control of events and not risking judgement or scrutiny from an unknown adult.

I think you are being unreasonable, they are still little. If she doesn't know you I can fully understand why she may want to be there supervising her child. She'd probably be quite helpful too!

YABU her messages were fine. 15 6 year olds is a lot. I wouldn't have want to leave my 6 year old in that ratio with someone. That's a lot of kids to supervise. I'd expect to stay. Prob other parents are expecting to too

@Calliopespa are you saying some people don’t love lawyers?! I am shook!

Yes you seem to misunderstand that random is common use for people you don't know and seem to think OP used it to look down on Jenima's mum. To me suggests you have some type of inferiority complex yourself and projecting because why else would you get worked up about the use of the word? Very strange.

I think you might want to work on your comprehension ….

Thank you! The party will
be a breeze after this 😂

If the other mum had posted on here, having invitation from a woman she has never met, not sure what was expected, the thread would have replied to

ASK.

She did. Cue tens of message abusing her and the OP guffawing about her superior house and life. Mind boggles. You must have some serious chip on your shoulder to react so violently to a very innocuous question and turn this into such a drama.

To reiterate here: Two text messages.

And then a third that completely cleared this matter up. Yet OP has been rude, sneery, judgemental and paranoid about this woman from 2 messages. This is the point you step back OP and accept you're not doing ok when the littlest thing sends you down such a negative spiral. And clearly you're not very used to being direct or you'd have appreciated the woman's directness and honesty instead of just staying like the other mum did.

Isn’t there an entertainer? I’m starting to think I imagined that bit.

Entertainer is like the class teacher. Op is the TA. Those are normal ratios for a class of 15.

Exactly, who would drop a child at a strangers house? The OP said she's never met the mum.

Wow

Yes, it's totally sane and normal to host a child's party alone. It doesn't matter that there's so many things that could go wrong, you sound as irresponsible as the OP