To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

I think it’s mentioning you are a lawyer has triggered the pile on op. 🤷🏻‍♀️

apparently...

or possibly the superior attitude and nastiness and the drama about a perfectly reasonable and polite text asking to confirm details?

Yes 😳🤣

Her messages sound fine.

Projecting?

Some random is a fairly usual term when saying its a person you don't know rather than it being derogatory.

Well that’s the elephant in the room.

I personally think the response to her normal text and questions might be tied up with feelings around seniority and hierarchy, who gets to do the questioning, the directing and who is subjecting who to scrutiny.

To me that would explain why it is okay for you to be direct in your texts but absolutely not okay for her.

I don’t think she meant minute by minute detail about what was going to happen. I think she just meant a general idea about whether she should drop off her child or whether she was expected to stay? She’s never met the OP.

You are massively projecting

@Spirallingdownwards projecting? 😂

You’re being so unreasonable- especially in the stories you’re telling yourself about this woman from her perfectly reasonable texts to you! You’re being really unkind in deciding she’s unreasonable because she hasn’t phrased things in a way that is acceptable to you. You don’t know her daughter. You don’t know if she struggles in new environments, or anything else that might be at play. You can have who you want at the party, if you don’t want the mum there fair enough, but you’re being a bit of a dick in how you’re dealing with this, and the things you’ve decided about this mum, on zero information!

In that case it's not an issue.

OP told her details.

OP said no she should stay.

Sorted.

Not unreasonable at all OP. Based on the evidence (see what I did there!) the mother sounded odd/demanding/judgemental, ie the exact opposite of what you need in theses circumstances. If Jemima had additional needs in anyway then the mother should have used her words and let you know so you could fully assess. Your reply was perfect and you handled in brilliantly.

Yes totally. I mentioned it because lawyers are such a universally beloved profession - really? I think you need a reality check and respect other peoples concerns and worries. I can assure you it would make no difference to me if you were a cleaner or a high flying lawyer if I had general concerns about my child’s well-being.

personally i would not have any concerns about dropping my child off but you come across a cross as arrogant quoting crap like this.

Yes you would think so!!!!!!!!
but then OP came on mumsnet to declare her rude, annoying and weird!!!!!!!!

In this circumstance you let the parent stay.

You don't know why, and it's non of your business why, but to include this child means to include her mum.

The children are in the age bracket where some parents still feel the need to stay.

Failing to respect that could cause upset, bad feeling, and a child not getting to come.

Can you please explain to me how asking what the day entails and then asking if she can stay sounded off/demanding/judgemental.

Similar happened to me with one of my dds although at a bit older, maybe 8 or 9? I just put her to work helping the girls thread necklaces and make craft kits. She was actually very useful in the end!

OP you sound very defensive and like you're on the edge TBH.

This poor woman has just asked very basic questions about the plan for the party and you've taken it as if it's some sort of judgement on you personally. Her "OK" reply wasn't her 'approving your plans' - that's a crazy interpretation. Why are you so paranoid? You also seem to have decided that on the basis of your past experience with a parent staying, this woman would be exactly the same and sit passively waiting for you to host her. You've absolutely no evidence for that at all - only the story you've made up in your head.

Seriously, you need to chill. Are you this adversarial in other areas of your life? It must be exhausting for you to be so reactive all the time.

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

You think the mother sounded judgemental and odd from these two texts?

This post has made me a bit sad. I have a highly anxious 5yo - no official diagnosis yet but the school are keen for a referral. She gets very anxious about me leaving her in new situations so I would’ve probably asked the same as wouldn’t want her to miss out. I’d have maybe tried to explain this in the message but otherwise would’ve been in the same boat. Gosh it’s so tough anyway but I think people who haven’t gone through it can’t understand. I see that with my other child who it more NT. had I only had her I would have no clue what it was like.

I would also like to know the answer to this, especially when you also consider Jemima's mum has never even met the OP.

You're a parent she doesn't know, inviting 6 yr old kids to your house, don't even have a concrete plan in place just a 'maybe this maybe that' and getting annoyed and defensive about her wanting to stay with her child. You're a walking red flag to her now and I wonder if she knows other parents who she mentions this too.

Could you host parties during Covid ?