To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

It must be typical to leave kids at parties at that age in NZ otherwise the mum wouldn’t have asked.

I'm looking forward to these drop and run parties! What age to they roughy start in the UK and how do you know?! I don’t want to drop then run away if it’s not one 😂

I’m imagining parents dropping and literally running away as fast as they can !

That I wouldn’t have room in my kitchen to seat her and would have to make small talk with someone who seemed mildly annoying based off two text messages

I used to bloody hate parents staying. It was an extra level of hassle. Only happened about twice.

Still suspect the mum's played a blinder and Jemima is a Damien Omen incarnate who'll trash your house in under a minute and that's why she's never left her before! 😂

You are the one who is ‘weird and rude’ here. And I think it speaks to you having your hands full with the party. If someone said that they would like to stay I would put them to work. I have been the person single-handedly hosting a party of 7 year olds at home btw and a dad I know reasonably well stayed to work in our study (both his kids here, one quite young at the time). I would have been fine but when it all got a bit chaotic around food time he just appeared and pitched in and I was ever so grateful. I could totally have done it alone, but it was good not to have to.

I did a similar party for my 6yo and parents all stayed which was also great, much easier in fact. They all sat around with fizz and nibbles (I’d pre planned) and it was by far the better experience having other adults.

You are confusing being direct and being rude and superior. But you love presenting that image on this forum, so keep going. It's anonymous, and you are protesting so hard and trying so hard to push that image, it can only be true. 😂

Not meaning to be nasty - just blunt maybe. My job is in safeguarding children so I guess we always think the worst that could happen and work backwards.

15 sugared up 6 year olds with one adult does not sound like a reasonable plan to me.

I sincerely hope the group of girls will 😂

Jemina’s mum can man the fuck up it’s an optional birthday it’s not mandatory

It’s an eg of a “pile on.” For some reason a handful of posters take a black and white view of a nuanced topic and start a landslide.
I can understand why the mother might want to stay but she hadn’t actually TOLD op any of that. I think it’s her texts that were blunt and sub par.

If they original post as messages to Jemima’s mum, the most rude you’ve ever seen then you really haven’t lived

Another one saying the other mum was perfectly reasonable to ask for more details ( probably just to prepare a slightly anxious daughter) . She also wasn’t unreasonable to ask to stay .
You’ve been quite off with your attitude here.

I thought there was a fairy/clown first.
The sugar cones layer and with the entertainment they won’t BE running round; they’ll be watching the fairy snd doing her activities.

I think Jemima was attending by the skin of her teeth anyway and then the poor kid had a seemingly demanding mum. Her mum has been described as some 'random' so not expected it fit in. I bet if Jemima's mum was a lawyer she would have been welcomed with open arms

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

These two text messages she sent were mildly rude and annoying? Really? Really???

YANBU

Your message is response was polite.

There is no need for parents to stay and make a party of 15 become a party of 30 (and then perhaps expectations of coffees etc for parents too maybe).

Absolutely fine but the age of 6 to say its a drop and go situation. She now has the choice of Jemima coming or not coming if it's that big a deal to her.

Utterly batshit.

With 15 kids in your house I’d definitely have a second adult.
Kids can vomit, wet their pants, fall over, fall down the stairs, cry they want to go home at any time. And there’ll be plenty of clearing up to do.

Yeah, you're being really unreasonable. Nothing wrong with the mun politely asking questions and asking to stay. I wouldn't be allowing my 6 year old to go round to a friend's house, whose parents I didn't know and who had really vague sounding plans. I'd be even less inclined if I learnt that she was planning to supervise 15 6 year olds on her own. You are weirdly confrontational and need to chill out a bit I think.

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

These were the two texts the mum sent. How on earth were they blunt or sub par?????

Ffs, in asking what the plan is, it seems she was trying find out if it's drop and run or not. You've blown it out of all proportion and seem to be enjoying your MN argument, why didn't didn't you answer normally? 'It's a drop and run, we're having a fairy (or a clown)'

Then you go back to your very important job, living in your vastly different culture instead wasting your time battling randoms on here 🤷‍♀️

Why would I get upset about what strangers on the internet think about me when I am posting 5 word answers while
cooking dinner? I didn’t expect everyone to agree with me (that’s why I posted), I have taken on some feedback (e.g. getting another adult like my mum to come in case of emergency), some of the responses have made me laugh out loud intentionally (e.g. the doorway lurker) and some unintentionally (to many to name).

I am quite comfortable with how I communicated to JM and the party planning but next time I will probably write DROP OFF ONLY NO EXCEPTIONS to ensure my misanthropic tendencies are catered for.

Actually it is a bit like that! I wasn’t prepared for the first ( young for year dc) but that was more or less what happened .
It was essentially after they had started school and were together all day as a group anyway.

I am saying not necessarily rude by probably a bit irritating.

Why does she need the details of what is happening at a 6 year old party (she doesn't).

Why does she need to stay although if invitation didn't say please drop your kids by x send collect at y then the OP now knows she needs to be explicit in future? If she stays that means potentially 14 others want to. At someone's home.

Do you mean alias?