To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

On the contrary by 6 every party mine went to did this. The reason I remember is mine are quite young for year and I remember feeling a bit panicked the first time I dropped and the parents started turning round and departing ( at nursery the parents had all stayed). I hadn’t been expecting it so was a bit put on the spot; but it was fine, and dc was fine. Certainly my dc was younger than 6. I’d say barely 5.

If she has never met you, she should stay.

The lawyer thing makes sense. It explains why you didn't clock she was asking if it was a drop and go party, and instead sent back pointless details about fairies and cake timing. Surprised you didn't charge her $100/second for the time it took you to type out the text.

I also think more parents will stay when they arrive.

Do you usually jump to the conclusion that someone is scrutinising you?
This woman’s primary concern is about her DD going to a party where there is an unknown adult and she only knows one child.
You automatically assuming shes judging your capability is your stuff OP.

You are just showing your ignorance now.

Gosh OP you really sound like hard work

I'm glad the woman replied saying that's fine because I do worry how you would have reacted if not

Saying that, I can relate to not wanting an extra person in your house (though not sure why it makes a difference when you've got 12 kids - just make her sit with them!) and also finding direct messages rude although I am direct too

I am autistic

Not sure how being a lawyer will tell a mum you have never met if you have a dangerous dog, if you have a creepy boyfriend at home, if you live in a filthy house, if you are as disorganised as the birthday plans and the house has unsafe items - even if I"d expect a 6 year old to be more than old enough not to start eating washing powder or random medicine but still.

Any normal parent would not drop the kid at the door of a house they don't know to be with an adult they don't know, just because they happen to have kids the same age.

The very minimum would be to at least have a look in the house. Being "a lawyer" with your attitude does not make mum of the year or a suitable individual

I'm in total agreement with this and bemused by the love the op is getting as she sounds awful tbh.

Yes, it’s more likely that little Jemima is scared of clowns or regularly shits her pants, but if that’s the issue then she should have led with that - not reviewed OP’s plans and then announced she would need to stay

Vile. 🙄
Looks like you have found your tribe OP.

I'm out but I will say that, if you really are a lawyer, you have a woeful comprehension of safeguarding which may well come back to haunt you.

I am committing the unforgivable sin but I really cba to trawl through your 4 pages of posts for the answer 😂- so I will just ask and take on the wrath of "RTFT replies

Has she replied?

edit - just seen someone above me said she has replied "fine"

As you were

and all the other woman said is asking to confirm if it was ok if she was staying, as is the norm in most places especially when you don't know the parents. Good grief.

What a weird thread over such a non-event. All the background wasn't necessary OP. The mum's messages were perfectly reasonable and I've no idea why you found them so odd that you felt the need to come on here and moan about it.
Glad she's messaged back, glad it's sorted. But jeez!

I'm out but I will say that, if you really are a lawyer, you have a woeful comprehension of safeguarding which may well come back to haunt you.

How self-assured and nasty.

I've never read such bonkers replies. I know there is a full moon next Friday which is also the Northern Hemisphere's longest day but to coin an overused Mumsnet phrase "are you all on glue?"

Lol love this

Yes she replied “Sweet, I haven’t left Jemima at a party before but I am sure she’ll be fine”

Yet to discover is there is a pony or nut allergy still to be disclosed

I’m like a cat watching ping pong

That’s what I think. Asking to stay isn’t necessarily totally off at that age but not explaining is odd.

So you seem to have taken great offence to her asking what the “plan” was for the party, you seem to be thinking that she’s judging you or demanding you send her the minute by minute schedule but that simply isn’t true. She was likely asking what the plan was to get a feel for expectations on if she should stay or not. You say all parties are “drop and run” but this woman has never met you and I think most people would be unsure dropping off their child to a strangers house without prior communication. Poor woman just wanted some clarification and when she didn’t get it from your first text she just asked you out right. For a lawyer you don’t seem to have much insight that others could see a situation differently from you.

You calling her weird and rude is bizarre really, especially when you yourself take pride in being unapologetically “direct”. Shame women can only be direct when it suits your narrative OP otherwise they are weird or rude. Hilarious.

When you didn’t get the responses on this thread that you expected you’ve decided to become all sarcastic and jokey to deflect away from that fact 😛

Think we've ticked every single box for Mumsnet Crazy here!

Party sounds like fun - let us know how it goes.

You are totally contradicting yourself here.

You said New Zealanders are not normally direct but your messages to Jemima's mum and to people here are some of the most direct, rude and combative I have ever seen.

I always thought NZ was quite a tolerant, inclusive country but this thread has really opened my eyes. Your attitude to a child who may have additional needs is heartbreaking.

Why bother posting on a UK site when you say norms are clearly so different to the UK and you obviously know better than anyone who might disagree with you.

If I was the mum and reading this thread, I would have no reassurance about the house or a boyfriend, but I would also picture the OP screaming at the kids if they are not behaving exactly the way she wants them and someone messes up the instagram pics of #mumlawyer 😂

Exactly.

You are feeling inconvenienced by something that hasn’t actually happened. Perhaps reflect on what it was about her messages that triggered your response. That she doesn’t trust you? That your plans aren’t good enough? That someone is questioning your plans? Your feelings about her messages are disproportionate to the messages themselves.

I don’t take pride in being direct, I don’t know where you got that idea. I prefer to be vague and fawning where I have the option. Unfortunately JM had me pinned