To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

@Endoftheroad12345 I think you worded it very well, to be honest! I had a drop off party and I think you worded it better than I did! I hope your Dd has a lovely party!

i think it would be nice for you to have some help though although i understand an unknown person is not quite what you had in mind

My son had asthma at that age. He wasn’t able to tell adults /was too frightened to say he couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t rely on the adult to see the signs when they’re busy at a kids party and didn’t want to add the burden of an asthmatic kid. So I always asked if I could come along (telling the host why) was always accepted and did my bit to help in the background. I think your ‘my way or the highway’ response is unreasonable. You could at least ask if there is anything particular she is worried about, rather than coming across as controlling and confrontational in your reoly. After all it’s just a couple of hours of a kid’s party and nothing particularly intrusive or consequential to be so adamant about.

That’s not what she’s saying though. If she’d had a text saying “ DDhas a nut allergy . Would it be ok for me to stay just to take the burden of watching that side of things off your shoulders” that would be quite different.

It's not the norm here to drop and run off, quite the opposite. Parents who expect free childcare tend to receive very little invitations 😂

That said, I understand where you are coming from, what I don't understand is why you are so unpleasant about it? Why even bother to starting a thread when you have decided you know everything, you are right and you are superior to everyone else?

What a strange attitude. Such a drama for what is really a non-issue, again, why the thread?

My child would have no problem navigating a party with their peers, but the safeguarding red flags I am seeing here have nothing to do with the fun they would have.

And, that is the norm within our group of friends.

It's my job as a parent to keep my child safe, and there is no way I would be leaving them alone.

Sorry but reading this post you sound awful and dreadfully selfish. . This Mum has said or done nothing offensive and yet you are determined to be annoyed. As others say the child might have additional needs.

OP this thread has been great. After reading several others, giving snapshots of women's horrendous husbands and miserable lives, it's been refreshing to read about a woman putting boundaries and expectations into place. Now don't forget to stick bubblegum and a sharp object in each party bag.

But would you have referenced the asthma in your request?

Personally I think if you are wanting the hosting to be done differently, the onus is on you to explain your needs.

If your child had a list of allergies that could kill them then i would hope I had some idea of this anyway if I was inviting them to my home. I would also hope the parent wouldn't be so cloak and dagger about it that they hadn't mentioned it in the first two messages. I also wouldn't expect a message listing life threatening allergies wtf?

Given you forgot your daughter's birthday and organised her party with a week or twos notice suggests you're either disorganised or have little down time. All parties in our class are planned and invites sent at least 6 weeks in advance.

Hi also in nz 👋 I expected it to be a full drop off for dd’s party last year when she was 6 but about half the parents stayed so you need to be a prepared for this. This year at 7 was the first year everyone was just dropped off.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP. 😂

The woman asked you for a bloody agenda for a children’s party (did she think you’ll be having the children make nail bombs?!) and then asked to supervise. No explanation why, which implies she wasn’t satisfied with your agenda.

Yes, it’s more likely that little Jemima is scared of clowns or regularly shits her pants, but if that’s the issue then she should have led with that - not reviewed OP’s plans and then announced she would need to stay.

🤣 and a vuvuzela

Tbh - on a serious note - I have been the woman with the horrendous husband and the miserable life - and this forum was a godsend for me in navigating the exit of my long and horrible marriage and finding myself in the very lucky and blessed life that me and the kids now live. So I can cop a bit of AIBU shit every now and then 😂❤️

You say you don’t know the mother? The mother doesn’t know YOU! She probably doesn’t know you’re a single mother and there are no men in the house. Her daughter might have allergies or behavioural difficulties. You’ve zero idea.

My mother used to vet my friends parents - I’ve even had friends parents vet me.

It’s perfectly normal. Why not ask this mother to come over for the party on a date prior to the party? Then she can ascertain whether or not the party is safe.

You being a lawyer means nothing to this story - but I’m concerned a senior lawyer can’t look at this situation rationally.

settle down it’s not the royal wedding

The child may not have asthma, a nut allergy, autism etc. They might just be a little sensitive and need a bit of support in unfamiliar environments. They are only 5/6.
I think reading between the lines of the other parents messages this is the case here. I imagine she did not expect to be met with such hostility and is a bit shocked by the response, hence no reply yet. She's probably not sure what to do.

You sound like an absolute bloody peach 🙄

To be honest you got my back up by stating your job and level, it makes no difference unless you think it gives yourself some type of superiority…

Gosh why did you even bother to invite her

I used to have to stay with my DC at that age as they’d often get sensory overload and could have a meltdown

I never expected the hosts to make me drinks or entertain me

I love you, OP.

Yes totally. I mentioned it because lawyers are such a universally beloved profession. I knew people would instantly realise was a nice and reasonable person I am

This is exactly what I was thinking. I used to have to stay with my adopted kids on the rare occasions they were invited to parties because it helped them not to become overwhelmed and also meant I could advertise or contain any issues that might disrupt the party

I suspect her daughter suffers from anxiety or is perhaps neurodiverse but doesn't necessarily have a diagnosis yet for her to explain the issues in a text. I did stay with my daughter at some parties when she was 5 - she was later diagnosed as neurodiverse - gets sensory issues with nose etc. Feeling overwhelmed etc.

You asked if you were being U - I don't think you were being unreasonable setting boundaries. I suspect that part of the issue is your daughter was not fussed about this child coming. If it was a friend your daughter wanted to be there its likely you would have approached things differently.

I had something similar - invited 45 nursery kids to a home party (we have twins) - we invited so many I was concerned there was 1 or 2 kids left who were not invited so I asked the nursery - and they said yes there was just two kids at the nursery not invited. Both younger than my kids and my kids did not play with them but I was thinking not nice to be left out - so invited them.

Except it ended up being expected to rain that day (we had a bouncy castle) and thankfully a large garden - so I was freaking out that I had 45 kids plus some parents staying inside the house. We emptied some bedrooms and had organised games rotating around the house like pass the parcel in different rooms.

One mum of the little boys we didn't know was coming (fine) but she asked if she could bring her baby who was just learning to crawl because if not her son couldn't come. And I said unfortunately I am already worried about the rain and having 45 nursery children inside running around an adding a baby to the mix but I understood if he couldn't come.

Well she showed up with her son but no baby and a glare on her face that could melt ice - she was clearly very angry with me and never spoke to me again. Would ignore me passing in tight corridor of the nursery.

I suspect you will get similar from this parent.

The lesson I learnt was not to invite anyone to my children's parties they didn't specifically want there.

I see OP's point. The text ran -
'Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is?' so it didn't suggest Jemima's mum was asking due to any special considerations, it sounded like acceptance of the invite then followed by a request to know what OP had planned for the party. I think it was probably at the 'Ok, sounds good' that OP felt irritated, hence she decided to be firm on parents not staying for the whole party.

I think the only mistake the OP made was not made it clear Jemima's Mum was welcome to hang around at drop off for a cuppa and to help Jemima settle in.