To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

You should probably tell her this, and you'll never have an issue with it again.

Don't think she was rude at all. They were normal questions.

There isn’t one! We only just got the internet

I wonder if you’ve actually read this all wrong, OP, and the issue isn’t Jemima’s mum being a handful as a random in the corner at the party, but Jemima herself. Everyone’s assuming Jemima might have underlying issues like separation anxiety but what if she’s just a badly behaved nightmare?! The mum’s breezy “I’ve never dropped her off but I’m sure she’ll be fine” text could be subtext for “I’ve never left her because she’ll rampage around the house without supervision but now you’ve given me a definite out I’m going to spend the time with my feet up sipping wine and relaxing for once”. You might end up wishing she had stayed! 😂

Wow I’m surprised at the responses here! Sounds like a very reasonable conversation and you weren’t rude.
Im in the U.K. and parties have been drop off from middle of year 1 (6th birthdays). All have been at venues tbf rather than people’s houses. I had a few parents hang around at private venue at my daughters 6th but only because they had brought younger siblings (that I had invited as that’s another MN issue) with them.
hope you have a great party! I think I’d only have a second pair of hands for my sanity 😂

No?! As an allergy parent I’d check what the plan was first before listing all my DCs allergies. And the OP is so confrontational I’d be rightly nervous about telling her as she’s already stated, she’s not willing to deal with any special needs, rather that the child just doesn’t come - cruel. Thank goodness the parents in my circle are kind and understanding! OP sounds like a nightmare

Well done @Endoftheroad12345 ! You knew you didn't want her at the party so communicated this is a polite way.
As you can see, some women hate other women who can do this. Cos they themselves are useless at stating what they want, some of them think what they want is of no importance which is really sad. You do not sound stressed at all, you sound very chilled, that'll be getting some backs up too 😁
I hope your dd has a wonderful party.

There was NOTHING rude about either of her posts, and nothing presumptuous as she ASKED. You've said you're not going to budge, fair enough, your perogative, but it's a shame you've already made your mind up about her attitude from just 2 short text messages. You've made it clear you couldn't care less about her child if she's got any additional needs. You're getting more rude and abrasive as your posts go on! I think she's unknowingly dodged a bullet here if she decides not to come. If she does still bring Jemima, then hats off to her for going somewhere it's very clear she'll be unwelcome when all she's (perhaps unnecessarily) doing is just trying to support her child.

What's the big deal?
She asked what the party was, and asked if she could stay.
Perfectly reasonable when they're only 6.
So you don't want her to.
Fair enough.
You're being weird and defensive about it.
YABU

I don't know anyone who drops and runs at a party for 6 year olds! Way too young and the party sounds like there will be inadequate supervision so you are the one being unreasonable.

I work in safeguarding and the thought of one adult in charge of 15 over excited 6 year olds worries me - what if there was an accident? Or a health issue?

I think you are rude and weirdly confrontational towards this mum and if I was her I probably would not be letting my daughter come to the party. She was perfectly polite and reasonable - you have spiralled and cannot see that there is an issue.

Also you NEED at least one other adult there.

Given you're also being weird and rude, you might get on amazingly well.

Saying space is a premium etc or fine. The "understand if she can't come" rather than just asking why was totally rude. YOU invited this child. You're acting like she invited herself. Perfectly normal qn off Mom for an invite to a party where you don't know each other

No she doesn't. She sounds like a woman who just wants to crack on and is more than capable. You however give off a 'I need everything to revolve around me and my child vibe'. Sending lists of allergies? Seriously?

Oh please let this be true!! 🤞🏼🤞🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I think if there are relevant needs it’s only reasonable for her to articulate them.
And I’m not so sure the texts were fine. If I’d been going to ask to stay, I’d have said something more like: “would it be ok for me to to stay as DD requires support in social settings ( or whatever)? Very happy to give you an extra pair of hands too.”

Just to make clear I a) had a reason to push for an invitation and b) that I wouldn’t be expecting food/ glass of bubbly etc ( which is what I would provide had I invited parents to stay).

As a parent of a child with additional needs I would have had to ask this. I’m not “that” parent my child wouldn’t have coped or even attended if I hadn’t gone. Maybe she doesn’t want to tell you her child’s story. But you could say parents are not invited but if you want to stay and help in the craziness you can??

Neither I, nor my DH (also a lawyer) would ever leave our 6 year old alone at a party, I wouldn't leave them alone even if we were close friends with the parents hosting. I don't know anyone else within our friendship group who would think that was okay. There are multiple reasons why I wouldn't do that and I am sure you are smart enough to understand why a parent wouldn't leave their child alone with a stranger.

To be honest, the fact that you think this mum is rude for wanting to know what her child will be doing for 3 hours in a strangers house is shocking. And anyone who didn't want parents staying/or wasn't okay with a parent staying with their young child would be a red flag for me.

You do know some allergies can send people into anaphylactic shock and potentially kill? I wouldn’t like to see OP’s one-woman band deal with a kid fitting because of allergies while 14 other six year olds watched in distress, so of course as a parent you have to check ahead the host is okay to handle it.

I wouldn’t say that’s the norm. Yes at 2,3,4. But by 6 they have had a long time at school and should be able to navigate a group of 15 others their age.

Surprised by the lack of consideration being given to additional needs and allergies by OP and other posters. Why the unnecessary lack of inclusivity? It doesn't take much to consider these, rather than just say they don't have to come. What if every parent takes that attitude and that child doesn't get to go to a single party?

l'm afraid the more you write, the worse you are coming across.

You asked for our opinion and the overwhelming response is that you are being unreasonable - but you don’t like that response so just keep trying to argue back!

I think if you look back on this whole thing in a few weeks' time, when you are feeling calmer, you might regret having been unreasonable and first invited a little girl to your daughter's party and then, in effect, told her she can’t come after all. It's not just about you. Sorry, but you did ask.

I agree. Thank god that some posters on here understand safeguarding.

Your responses seem rude and defensive, I don't think your plan to look after so many children is safe, so what if you have people on call, how long would it take them to get to you in an emergency? You seem to be taking perfectly reasonable suggestions as questions about your competence or party planning skills, when they aren't

No she doesn't. She sounds like a woman who just wants to crack on and is more than capable. You however give off a 'I need everything to revolve around me and my child vibe'. Sending lists of allergies? Seriously?
Would you not expect someone to let you know if there’s a chance their child might have a reaction to something in the middle of a party? You might have things planned you haven’t told people about and then wonder when something happens!! I’m not the world’s most organised mother but it is a question I ask before a kid walks in (and have found out in the past kids are allergic to eggs, dogs and that another child had asthma).

You are completely unreasonable here and you posts here sound very intolerant and judgey.

Be grateful that you have a child who is happy to go to a party in an unfamiliar house with no idea what is going to happen. However please understand that not all children are like this, some are more sensitive than others.

My dd at that age would have been nervous going to a party at an unfamiliar house, not knowing what was going to happen. She would need me to stay for a bit of support. She has no additional needs. I think the other parents messages are very reasonable. Unfortunately you are the very rude one here.

Also you can be sure the other parent wants to stay no more than you want to have her. She is not expecting to be entertained, she would just be there to support her child.

Comparing it to school is ridiculous. School is an environment the children are familiar with, they know the rules and expectations. They know the routine and how to behave. There are numerous other trained adults around for backup. A party is a completely different environment.

Here the mum does not know you, her child might be a bit anxious. She was obviously stating this in her messages. You never know whats going on in someone elses life OP and a bit of kindness and empathy never goes amiss.

I think if it was presumptive then that’s because it’s not an unreasonable assumption it would be ok. Do you seriously want a child who might be tricky and not settle? And why wouldn’t you want another pair of hands, you’re mad imo! I’m sure the mum won’t expect to be entertained and “hosted”