To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Is a DBS a police check? I’ve done one for every job I’ve had. Would be a bit hypocritical to refuse. As I’m a lawyer.

after reading this thread I’m thinking I’ll lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of gin and leave them and the clown fairy to it!!

It's a PFB message from the other mum.

You are being completely unreasonable. There might be a very good reason for her wanting to know your plans for the party. For instance, perhaps her child is allergic to horses and she wanted to know if there would be pony rides. Or perhaps her child gets easily scared and she was worried they might be watching a scary film. Perhaps her child has some special needs that the after-school carers know about but you don’t, e.g. Type 1 diabetes. Perhaps the child is very shy and is worried about coming to a party where your daughter will be the only child she knows.

Whatever the reason, it was mean to say the child can’t come if she doesn’t come on her own.

Isn't the school year Jan to December in NZ? So a lot of them could still be 5.

I think it's a mad idea to host 15 x 5 and 6 year olds by yourself. Perhaps not safe either. Could you hire someone to do the party for 3 hours? Even managing a game of pass the parcel would be trying with that many. I only ever hosted small numbers, 8 maximum, at home, with DH present and was happy for parents to stay. I wouldn't expect to host them though.

I didn't find the other mums messages unusual or rude at all.

I must admit I did post this thinking there would be differences of opinion (which is why I was interested to see what the response was) but even I did not predict how much traction this would get. Sad that someone thought that assuming someone was German was intended negatively. I love Germans.

That will be great you can give me a helping hand !!

Her first message to you was trying to find out if it was drop and go or if she was expected to stay. As a parent who has never met you before she doesn't know what's expected.

You got your back up immediately. Even to the point of posting here about it.

It's all sorted now, but maybe back off a bit until you know more about the situation. Tone can be difficult in texts.

Her messages didn't seem rude. Yours didn't seem rude. But having posted here you explained that you felt it was rude and you were quite abrupt yourself.

I'm just wondering did JM's mum somehow see this thread and decided to reply!

Without any context, nobody's texts were rude. With all your background information you are being rude and hostile.

I hope your DD's party goes well. I'm going to guess a couple of mums will hang around ☺️

Odd that she never mentioned any of these very specific hypothetical scenarios then.

I don't know there could be some reason. I think I possibly would have engaged a bit more with the mum but I get why you'd suspect, if literally no other parent asked this and it's not common in you're community, you'd worry she'd be useless as a chocolate tea pot in terms of helping but also quietly judging about some such.

TBH, I think you're being a bit dramatic. I don't think Jemima's mum has done anything wrong here.
Maybe, like others have said, Jemima has additional needs, maybe she's a bit nervous/shy around new places/maybe it's just that the mum has never met you before. You maybe your DDs name isn't one Jemima has mentioned before, so the mum was a bit surprised?

Perhaps things are different in NZ, but in the UK it's quite normal for parents to stay for a 6yo party. When my DD turned 7 we had a party at a local community centre, and I'd say most of the parents stayed.

I'm really not sure how the mum staying is a "massive inconvenience" to yourself. OBVIOUSLY she won't expect you to spend every moment chatting to her! She knows you'll be busy running the party!

Really, the more of your replies I've read... You've not come across well. Maybe that's why all the aggressive replies.

I wondered this too!!! 🥴

This is actually becoming hilarious now.
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Could be allergic to horses. 🤣🤣🤣

Surely if a child has any allergy or issue, the parent would check for something specific to that.
Do we have to provide a detailed minute by minute itinerary to counter every possible world scenario and “what if”.

I’d feel the same. Personally I’d want help with 15 girks, but I’d have personally asked a couple if mums that I know and know would help (run games whilst yiu are sorting food, pouring drinks etc). I wouldn’t want a stranger and I hate the ‘plan’ question. Who has a detailed plan for a party???!

I don't think she was interrogating your plans, I think when she asked what the plan was she was wanting to know if parents are staying.
If you haven't specified it is drop off only on the invitation you need to be prepared for parents hanging around when they bring their children. I wouldn't have left mine at that age unless I was told to as it would feel cheeky leaving the parents in charge of my young children.
Parents aren't going to be expecting to be hosted at a children's party, they're more likely to be expecting to chip in and help out with the kids.

Yes, it is. And yes, it would.

However, it is an analogy to your apparent lack of understandinofand offence-taking re why a parent might want further details of a party in advance (probably, as some have pointed out, how many adults will be there and who) or might want to stay rather than drop their child off at the house of a person they have never met.

YOU may know that you are a safe adult and YOU may feel that a 1:15 ratio is appropriate but you don't seem to be able to easily put yourself in the shoes of another person who is not you (and doesn't in fact know you at all) and understand that their questions and concerns are therefore perfectly reasonable.

You should have grabbed her with a resounding YES! You could do with some help, there she is offering to stay!

Say absolutely she can and you'd be really grateful for another pair of hands as you're on your own.

Yes, it’s very mean to say that the child can only come alone. Who would do that?

As for ‘What’s the plan?’, that’s a perfectly common way of asking. Obviously it doesn’t mean Jessica’s mum wants you to write a minute by minute schedule. She’s just asking what’s happening. It’s completely normal to ask that.

Why not just be honest and admit you don’t like Jessica’s mum so are punishing her child?

I imagine she asked what the plan was because she wanted to set expectations with Jemima, nothing more sinister.
I'm another one who saw nothing rude in her communication and I have no idea why it has you so riled.
1 adult with 15 children is a recipe for disaster.. what happens in one falls and slices their leg open? It's very likely that 2 children will require you at the same time, so whilst it's admirable that you have such faith in your abilities, it isn't sensible to do it alone.
It's basic health and safety to have 2 adults with a group that large - and even with 2 adults it will be hectic.
All you had to say was "you are welcome to stay if you are happy to help".
I think you are more stressed than you realise..

I’m definitely being a bit dramatic 🤣 But nonetheless I don’t want a random lurking in my kitchen for 3 hours with nowhere to sit while I serve fairy bread

The specific scenario might be that her daughter is a bit nervous! Nervous of going into a big group in a house she doesn't know with a mum she's not comfortable talking to if she gets upset.

Not all 6 year olds are confident independent women!

I'd guess the delay in response was while she explained to her DD that she wouldn't be staying but that she'd be ok, have great fun and meet lots of new friends.

You might be surprised that other parents believe they are staying. At age 6 I always attended with my child. I didn't expect to be catered for or entertained. I feel the mum asked normal question's your reply was a bit blunt. I wouldn't however have hosted 15 children in my home at that age. I always did parties in halls and such.

Parents tended to do drop off age 8 and above. I mean it sounds like you don't want Jemima to attend and I hope she isn't upset. She is a 6 year old afterall.

I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.🎈

If the norms re parties are so different in NZ why not just post on a NZ site?

Nothing to do with needs but most parties aged 6 you’d stay about unless first parents ran off. There’s a chance you’ll have more than the parent of that one child!!

Her alibi is JEMIMA!!!!! For God’s sake focus

I’ve never met Jemima’s mum and I am not keen to make new friends when I am hosting a party for 15 6 year olds. It has already been pointed out that I will be busy having a nervous breakdown!!!