To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

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I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

They might in your friendship circle but that isn't the case in all areas ime. The children I teach are usually at drop and go parties - year 2, so 6 and 7 year olds attending 7th birthdays. Most of the year 1 parties are drop and go too, at venues and homes,

Why on earth are you so wound up by her messages? Maybe she's asking to stay because she thought that it would be a nice opportunity to get to know another Mum, given that she doesn't do pick ups.

Your reply was quite mean about understanding if that means Jemima can't come. Something like 'Sorry, it will be a tight squeeze as we have so many coming but if J is nervous you could come early for a cuppa and then leave once she's settled?

The fact that you think this person is weird and rude speaks volumes. In fact, you’re the one being weird and rude!
Your DD is 6, the guest may only be 5 1/2 at most. Personally, I wouldn’t want 15 6 year olds in my house without other adults there. If I were the mum, I’d want to know what this party was going to consist of - especially as it’s not in a public venue. Maybe the child does have additional needs, but you don’t seem to care about that do you?

Her messages seem quite polite to me, you seem hostile.

Work on saying no and you won’t feel as angry when you have to say it to perfectly reasonable requests

Perhaps the child gets anxious if they don’t know what the plans are? I know children like this. Sometimes just how they are, sometimes just young, sometimes undiagnosed ASD. There’s some judging of the mother going on, as if she is being ‘needy’ in asking, but it is just as likely she knows her child. How about some kindness.

if it is a 6 year old party in june, most of the class will be 6, just a few birthdays in july and august.

I did?

My child is the same age as yours and none of the parties he has been to have been dump and run! Even if they were we would need to stay as he has additional needs but would never expect to be hosted and would muck in and help!

You'd be better off hosting the hell's angels and local drug lords than six year olds. Don't let them near garden implements. They'll probably dig trenches, plant land mines and bring their own weapons. In fact I'd start building containment pods now!

Stay strong and make sure you keep a loaded gun close at all times. And never ever turn your back.
I speak from experience 😂 😂 😂

Just some food for thought, OP, you're coming across to me as one of those people who takes personal offence at being asked to have a DBS check. It's in the vein of, "but why? Are you suggesting I'M a danger to children? I know that I'm safe so why should I?!"

It's a red flag not only for people who are actually dangerous (a minority) but also for the people most likely to be bad at assessing risk or so laissez faire as to be negligent.

I'm sure you're not (I'd hope not given your job 😅) but since we're talking tones...

Just my two cents!

No way I would have left my six year old at house she had never been to with a woman I didn't know. She is being completely reasonable.
My dd wanted to invite a child she went to an out of school activity with to her 9th birthday which was a party at our home. Her mum stayed, I didn't expect anything else as we had never met. She was a great help. Let her stay!

Her message seems perfectly reasonable and polite to me.

Not many did the dump and run when we were at this age.

I genuinely can’t see what the problem is. I’d imagine other parents might stay too.

1:15 six year old is total madness

My DS had medical needs so I always stayed, I always made myself useful or I sat in car outside ( as my son might need o2 and parents wouldn’t be happy using it)

Food for thought:
One particular party the parents were both there, I stayed and basically made myself useful handing out food etc ( I had never met parents before). It was an outdoor party with trampoline, games etc. Half way through a little girl had a seizure on trampoline, parents didn’t know what to do, I did, parents and ambulance called, child supported until help got there.
All was well but in the event of an emergency trying to manage 15 6year olds on your own wouldn’t be easy…
I met the above parents recently ( school days long past) and we had a lovely chat about our non grown up kids and that particular party was mentioned.

You are being unreasonable. The kids are very young still. I didn't do drop and runs until 8, and wouldn't have left DD at that age either.

I suspect her first question was actually trying to find out if parents were staying in a round about way?

I think this is one of those things that vary according to where you live. Parents of our daughters would think we were mad if we suggested they leave their 5 and 6 year old off and leave. Parents stay for all parties here, partly to socialise together I suspect and always some will help the organisers distribute food or gather kids whatever they see is needed.

About 8ish Parents start to drop off, even then the parents you are close to will stay and help.

In school it would be 1:30 or if the class is lucky enough to have a TA 1:15. Shockingly, at lunchtimes it becomes 1:90.

There’s nothing wrong with this at all, but the level of annoyance and contempt off the OP for a very simple question is OTT.

Right, so I don't get why you're offended? She asked about the "plan" (probably trying to feel out if she could stay) then when that didn't work she asked directly.

Better for everyone than her turning up on the day assuming she can stay, and you either having to turn her and possibly her DD away at the door or having to grit your teeth and offer her a coffee while she makes herself at home.

I don't think anyone's wrong here.

How big is your house if you can fit in an additional 20 children and 20 adults?

I can see why you read that text and thought: ugh, not really. I am puzzled by other posters- I could see wanting to stay at a soft play or other public place where there is a lot of chaos but not in your home. One adult managing 15 kids in a public place is too few.

By the way, the mother doesn't even know you'll be on your own? Unless I've missed something...

Could it be she wants to get to know you?

Well you have endured the MN playbook here.
Inverted snobbery

Assumptions based on people’s opinions but if you assumed anything, they would remind you to stick to the facts.

How many of these throw out the ole “No is a complete sentence” but despite you being polite, you have been branded rude and direct.

Honestly, no wonder kids have no resilience. However do they cope at school being away from their parents. Often the ratio of adults to children at dinner hour is lower than yours and shock horror, the dangers of a concrete playground!

You managed it all superbly OP.
Let’s face it. A group of 6 year old girls is much easier to manage than a load of pissy people on an anonymous forum.

So you've sent a party invite with very vague details to a mum you don't know very well

Aren't most invitations vague?
I've never yet seen one with a full pan with timings and events.
Almost all are party at x venue between x times, and little more.

YANNU, OP, most Mumsnetters wouldn’t say boo to a goose in real life, so your assertive approach has them all riled up. Any ‘no’ is a confrontation in their eyes.

Your party, your rules, and the mum realised, to her credit.

Do you know the mum/does she know you? I appreciate that as you say you don't want another person in the house whilst you are trying to get organised, but she may be reluctant to leave her child with someone she doesn't know.
And in that case its perfectly fine for her to say 'I'm really sorry but J is very anxious with new adults so I don't think he can come then'. Your party, your rules. Her child, her rules.

At my oldests 6th, everyone dropped and went. It was at tail end of covid though, so there was a feeling of need to reduce numbers. Just had my youngest 5th and every child came with at least 1 parent, and some with siblings, and it was absolute chaos for us trying to ensure all were happy and fed and had a drink. And that was with 3 helpful grandparents and husband. Tbh none of the parents helped much, they were using it as an opportunity to get to know each other, which is fine. But exhausting

Next year will definitely be a smaller number and drop and go, although I will make exceptions for those who have additional needs.

I’m aware of one party where a child had serious accident (Aged 5) and person hosting had to dash to hospital - thankfully she had her sister helping with party who could stay. I think it’s a bit mad you’re doing it by yourself and if a parent who I didn’t know wanted my child to attend but was adamant no other adult could be present I would be worried and not leave child to be honest. What are you afraid of? But I wouldn’t expect you to host me, I’d be very aware how busy you are, offer second set of hands or just happy to sit quietly !