To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

There was zero rudeness in those texts, and if you think that's rude I have no idea how you can go through life without just raging at everyone tbh! Must be exhausting 😆

I'd say that if it's understandable for you to feel uncomfortable having a woman you don't know in your house during your daughter's party, it's also understandable for someone who doesn't know you to be uncomfortable leaving their 5-6 year old child in your sole care.

Her mother is neither weird nor rude. You on the other hand….

If my grandmother had wheels she’d be a bike! I would totally understand but there was no mention by JM of allergies, additional needs, nervousness etc so no grounds to make a different decision. Whereas I know it will probably be raining, the lounge is going to be set up for a Clown Fairy to do a magic show and I don’t have room or energy for someone I don’t know.

it really is 🤣

I think you're right, the mother sounds needy. It's good for kids to experience a bit of independence. Please don't feel guilty, I agree with what you said and want and it's not unreasonable. Some parents are a bit pathetic, baby and over protect their little darlings. Which doesn't build resilient children .

Definitely! Can dish it out (I’m just direct!) but can’t fucking take it (How dare she!)

Also think the poor mum wasn’t even being blunt or bossy she just wanted to know if she was expected to stay with her 6 year old child or not.

Absolutely and she has the option to make an excuse and not come

You've moaned about no adult help... she might have been offering... you don't want a stranger in your house... yet you expect her to be happy leaving her child with a stranger...

15 kids and just one adult! How can you keep an eye on 15 kids.

You're a control freak who wants things done your way! You sound snobby and stick up..

You mean if she's on linkedin right? Got you pegged I think.

Don’t be ridiculous, there are plenty of high flying corporate lawyers on mumsnet, how this job can be triggering?

trust me I prefer to deal in weasel words and obfuscation but when asked a direct question I need to give a direct answer 🥺

I would be incredibly thankful for the help and at 6 I wouldn’t expect to leave my child either unless I knew the parents well.

each to their own, but that’s just not for me

I would not be dropping my 6yo off at a house where I've never even met the parent

Glad it's all sorted. Sounds like other mum just got the tone wrong. Hope you all survive. Never realised that parties so often ended in tragedy before this thread 😂

six year olds are maniacs! I’ve been far too laissez faire

Your party - your rules. Unfair to call the mum weird and rude though when she was just being as direct as you. You say DD had to be persuaded to invite Jemima in the first place and I wonder why you did this. Anyway, hopefully J's mum doesn't twig that you think she's weird and rude as that wouldn't be a good look for a hostess.

Of course she does, but she was just asking first? I don’t think it’s reasonable she makes that call immediately before finding out if you mind parents staying.

that is unusual surely
it is a party

😂😂😂
Maybe she was concerned about your adult to child ratio!!!!! Did you comply with NSPCC guidelines?!

The only parties people stayed at when dd was that age weee the ones at larger venues a drive away - usually as it would be a bit tight to do the drop off/pick up and be able to so much in between. So parents might stay and sit in the cafe area, etc and chat together but weren't part of the party.

There was one parent who always wanted to stay and it was very much a parent thing, rather than a child one.

I teach this age and most parties seem to be drop and go, whether at a venue or house. It is often mentioned in the invitations we see being handed out.

I found it much easier to host without the parents around, and to just have my own friends/family helping.

Wow you sound like a treat! How are you being “massively inconvenienced” and how is the mum “weird and rude”?! Pot/kettle and all that!
I certainly wouldn’t want my kid around you you sound angry, uptight and not the kind of household I would want anything to do with. You can keep your party!

The OP sounds neurotic and hysterical - the parent asked a simple question and it has turned into her being interrogated and supervised even though she is a high powered lawyer that has been doing this for several years single handedly. How doesn’t Jemima’s mum know that by now?!

I found it much easier to host without the parents around, and to just have my own friends/family helping.

exactly, same here,