To tell a mum of a guest that she can’t stay at DD6’s birthday party

[Endoftheroad12345]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU but I’m not changing my mind just upfront 😂 (I know that can be annoying when responding to AIBU posts).

DD6’s birthday party is next Sunday. I sent invites out a week or so ago. The invite states the address which is very clearly our home. Party is from 11am - 2pm. I have provided my phone number and email (with my full name) to RSVP.

DD has invited about 15 girls, almost all from her class at school. I suggested inviting this little girl - I’ll call her Jemima - as DD seems to play with her at after school care, which is run by the community centre next to the school. DD was ambivalent but invited her. I haven’t met the mum but have said hi to the dad when we’ve been picking up at the same time.

The party is at my house, we will have some sort of fairy or face painter, pass the parcel etc and food and a cake.

I am a single mother and I work full time in a fairly intense senior job as a lawyer. Basically I’m having the party at home as left it too late to book anywhere! It’s also winter here (NZ) and pissing with rain which is not ideal as our house is great in summer (big deck and back garden) but obviously feels a lot smaller when the weather is bad. I will be the only adult at the party. My ex H had the option to come but has elected not to 🙄 and will take DS9 out somewhere. My dad is terminally ill, my mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and my sister has 3 kids and her DH has just had heart surgery. Just to give the full picture 😂

This morning at 8am I got a text:

Hi EOTR, it’s Jane here, Jemima’s mum. Thanks for the invite to DD’s party, Jemima would love to come. Can I have a bit more detail about what the plan is? Thanks :)

I thought this was a bit odd but wondered if they had other plans that might be clashing and she might need to arrive late or pick up early, so responded:

Hi Jane, that’s great, DD will be delighted. Still nailing the plan tbh! But the general idea is that there will be a fairy or similar arriving at 12, games and food, and cake at 1.30ish. Hope that helps?

To which she responded 2 minutes later
OK sounds good. OK for me to stay with her?

It’s actually not OK. I’ll have my hands full managing the party, I don’t have the time (or inclination) to host her too, and frankly from those two texts she sounds punishing. I was about to do an acquiescent people pleaserey “oh of course that’s fine!!!” but then I thought fuck it, I don’t know this person, her child isn’t even a good friend of DD’s and I don’t care if she doesn’t come. Also I don’t appreciate being interrogated about my plans for a 6 y.o birthday party and treated as some sort of potential criminal in need of supervision in my own home.

So I responded Hi, space will be at a bit of a premium (especially if it’s raining) so was planning on a drop off situation. Hope that works but understand if it means Jemima can’t make it

No response and that was 3 hours ago.

what do you reckon? Was I U?

Sounds like her daughter is nervous about going and wants her mum to stay. I can see why you don't want extra parents hanging around that you need to offer cups of tea to buy I think that's kind of how it goes with little kid's parties.

@Endoftheroad12345 I LOVE the cut of your jib. You're assertive, stand up for yourself, and are in no way rude - certainly, some of the answers you've been getting from people attempting to teach you manners are far, far ruder. I think your confidence and job are triggering some posters - I'd encourage you not to feed the trolls too much, although I am enjoying watching you put them in their place.

It also sounds like the worst, most overbearing, neurotic and hysterical aspects of UK parenting have not reached New Zealand yet. May they never.

When asked what the plan was, the answer would've been the times of the start and end of the party, and then 'it's just a drop off party :)' absolutely no need for any hand wringing!

All I’m taking from this thread is that you absolutely have never hosted a kids birthday party before if you think coping with 16 5/6/7 year olds on you own is fine.

As an actual lone parent who does all DD’s parties when I had 20 kids for her last party I asked all parents to stay because it’s physically impossible to cater to all the kids needs exactly when they need you to. So I call 💩

She might just be an anxious mum or she was hoping to get to know you better & make friends. My daughter has a nut allergy so unfortunately I have to stay at parties as most people obviously aren't comfortable using an EpiPen without training.

You seem to be suggesting that you know better than @Endoftheroad12345 how NZ parties work .

Just why?

She clearly has an older child, has had parties in the past, why would other parents suddenly change their cultural norms and act like parents on the other side of the world? And even then it's your small part of the UK, I never stayed at a party once my children started school unless specifically invited

So you've sent a party invite with very vague details to a mum you don't know very well. You're labelling said mum weird and rude because she's asking very valid questions and doesn't seem 100% keen to leave her young child in your care. Rather than nurture positive relationships between 2 young kids you're chosing to make a drama out of a complete none-issue.

God this is exactly why I cannot wait for my own 6YO to be old enough to walk herself to school and organise her own playdates. A lot of the time you can't do right for doing wrong. The politics is utterly baffling and ultimately damaging to the children

PS FWIW I gave the option of 'drop off' or stay at dd's 6th birthday. About half stayed. I didn't feel obliged to 'host them' I put a few mugs, milk and a tea urn out and a quick 'how are you?' Not sure how it works in NZ but that's the norm here in the UK

Personally I get it. I wanted parents to drop so I can focus on the kids and not hosting parents. Also you can feel a bit self conscious with an audience. Fine if it's a soft play or whatever but not so much at your house.

But you won't find many of this tribe on MN as most are very protective and can't possibly leave a 6 year old for 2 hours. My son went on the tube to school aged 9 so perhaps I'm not the norm but I can't remember my parents ever staying at a party.

You sound bloody weird and needlessly adversarial.

Or English! I ask "What's the plan?" all the time! Whether it's to my kids, friends or colleagues. I'm really surprised that it's seen as rude over there. It just means 'so what are we doing today?' or similar, here

And Jemims mum thought it best not to mention the hypothetical allergies, no one does that, and then decided it was fine for Jemima to stay and just hope she was fine?

You seem to be proud of your own directness (no bad thing), but outraged at her direct questions- you admit if she’d asked in a different way you might have said she was ok to stay. So you see her direct message as rude, but yours as a sign of good character?

Her asking ‘what’s the plan’ doesn’t literally mean give me a minute by minute account of what you have planned- she just wanted an idea so she knows if her DD will enjoy it (some kids hate bouncy castles, some hate clowns etc) before accepting.

I think the messages from both of you were fine (a bit of extra politeness can work wonders though, it doesn’t always have to be a sign of a lifelong people pleaser!), just not sure why you’re overanalysing them to the extent you are.

OP has said several times that she's done this multiple times before.

YABU. Children mature at different ages and have different needs. I too thought your texts were abrupt and grumpy. If I was Jessica’s mum, I’d be wondering wtf was wrong with your house that you didn’t want any adults staying! You might hope only a couple stay and that’s fine because it would be very crowded otherwise, but it’s completely normal that some might want to stay.

I also find all this “but we’re in NZ where we just toss children out of the car and drive off at 90miles an hour” bravado really weird. I’m not in NZ, but part of my family live there and they have parents stay at parties because I remember them talking about it. Whatever country you’re in, there will always be a few parents who need or want to stay at that age. You don’t have to entertain or supervise them 🙄

God knows. She’s an odd woman I now know I’ve no idea why she chose to literally block the exit (and the route to the kitchen) when I was clearly bringing in trays of food etc. Didnt even offer to carry anything. Just stood in the way 🤦‍♀️

Did you let Jemima's mum know you're quite a senior in house lawyer too? Because it's so very relevant.

Think you're in way over your head w the party tbh, if it's driving you to post this non-issue on MN.

I don’t think my directness is a sign of good character? It’s agnostic as to character. Also she had accepted the invitation before asking “Can I have a bit more detail on what the plan is” - which is a bit different to “what’s the plan?” (we are getting very granular here 😂)

Anyone else thinking jemima’s mum has had a lucky escape!

When she text what’s the plan? I’m assuming she wants clarification on if she was allowed to stay etc then when you didn’t state it was a drop and go she then inquired if she could stay. She wasn’t rude, weird, or anything else. You’re the only weird and rude one here.

I wouldn’t be dropping my child off to a strangers house I’ve never met before for 3 hours, especially knowing you’d be the only adult.

Her messages do sound slightly accusational of you maybe not being able to cope with some many kids. But... This child has maybe has additional needs, struggles without her mum, or maybe has had issues with some of the other children that you don't know about, and her mum may not want to mention this and wants to stay to prevent any dramas or upset happening, if she knows you're going to be busy trying to do this alone, she is potentially worried the kids may be unattended for snippets of time where things may kick off. For what it's worth, I've hosted parties for similar amounts of children at that age, with my husband, mum and another mum friend to help out, and extra sets of eyes and hands is always beneficial. All it takes is for one to spill their juice, scrape their knee or bump their head, and while you're cleaning up or administering first aid, the others will always take the opportunity to become wild animals. An extra parent is always a godsend with so many to keep an eye on, and I'd be asking her if she's available to get there half an hour early to help finish setting things up 😄

no but I guess I could text her my linkedin profile?

I certainly wouldn't want one adult I've never met 'helping' at a party in my own home 🤔 It's just another thing to think about.

OTOH, she's probably nervous about dropping her kid off at a house where she's never met the parent, which is also fair enough.

Yeah and I’m saying she hasn’t. Because anyone that has actually hosted kids bday parties (not just on mn in their heads) would know it’s impossible to safely care for that amount of young children and would be grateful for a second pair of hands.

Yes, this. A hypocritical double standard is being employed by the OP here re 'directness'. Rules for thee but not for me!

I'd probably have omitted the last line about jemima not making it. Otherwise fine. As someone who works in a class of 5/6 year olds though I think you're insane to host 15 dc entirely alone. Party children are hyper, emotional, prone to accident (themselves or household goods). Not to say this mum is the ideal Co host!